Farty's Fortunes

Thursday, 8 March 2007

The Two Twats

Journey to the Crossroads

Dam: Oh, master Stevo, I'm so tired. We've been stumbling along for hours and we've gone no further than when we set out.
Stevo: Yes, it feels like we've been going round in circles. Let's ask that kindly-looking stranger over there for directions.
Security Guard: Could you step down from the carousel, please? You're damaging the other passengers' luggage. Now, you need to make your way through that dark and mysterious portal. No, that's the Ladies'. Over there to the left; the one marked "Exit".


Dam: Wow! Oliphants! I've never seen Oliphants before! They're amazing!
Stevo: If you've never seen them before, how do you know they're Oliphants? Anyway, those are giraffes, you idiot. You can tell by the stripes.
Dam: Oi'm so glad you're here to keep me straight, master Stevo.
Stevo: Think nothing of it. Anyway, we'll take two stuffed giraffes and four of those Amusing Monkeys. With the Fez and the Small Clay Pipe. And CAN! YOU! DIRECT! US! TO! MOUNT! KILIMANJARO?
Shop Assistant: No worries, mate. You take a left as you leave the airport terminal, two blocks along and you come to the bus station. There's an hourly service, tickets are twenny bucks each. You wanna coupla tinnies of FourEx to wet your whistle?
Stevo: Er, no thanks, but do you have any canned lager?


Wiilob's Lair

Wiilob waits patiently in the gathering darkness. Wiilob has waited a long time. She can wait a while longer. She hears footsteps approaching. Soon there will be a tasty snack.


Dam: The sun sets really fast in these parts, master Stevo; it's almost pitch black and there's still no sign of a Travelodge. We'd better pitch camp for the night while we can still see what we're doing.
Stevo: Fair enough, Dam. Hey, Tembe! Can you tell your boys to set us down here and put up the tents and that? We're off to scout around for totty; I remember seeing a group of Kiwis up ahead of us; they might be worth investigating.
Tembe: Sure thing, Bwana. {turning to the team of porters carrying the sedan chairs} Kiri-Te-Ka-na-wa!*

* Translation: "Wait until these idiots are out of sight, then leg it with their gear. This lot should fetch at least thirty bucks on eBay."


Closer come the footsteps and closer yet. Wiilob can hardly contain her excitement. Just a few more moments and then she can plunge her sting deep into the soft, yielding flesh of her unsuspecting prey. She would salivate at the thought if she had saliva glands. But she doesn't; so she won't. Just a few...moments...more...


"What was that squelching noise?" asks Dam.
Stevo replies: "I think I've just trodden in something." He fumbles around in his cloak, then proudly holds aloft the Light of Vidor that is Ever Ready. "Ew!"
"Is it edible?" asks Dam, pragmatic as ever.
"Kind of depends how hungry you are, I suppose."


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