Farty's Fortunes

Wednesday, 7 March 2007

The Fellowship on the Wing

The Fellowship Sets Out

Even before the stars had begun to fade from the night sky, Stevo and his trusty sidekick Dam had already packed their supplies for the trip into a handful of Tupperware boxes, grabbed a quick bite to eat from the magic white cabinet, prepared their steeds, thought "feck it" and phoned for a taxi. Dawn's early light found them gazing out over the silvery wing of flight LF552 bound for Schiphol.
"Tell me again, Dam" said Stevo. "How did you come to break your toe last week?"
"'T'were like this, master Stevo," replied his companion, tugging furiously at an imaginary forelock. "There I were, pruning back the hollyhocks and generally mindin' me own business, when this great black beast swooped down from the sky, its foul breath wilting all me lovely nasturtiums and - "
"Only the way I heard it, you cracked it with a number two iron at Gullane."
"Well, yes, if you want to get technical."
"This is going to be one tricky climb with your gammy foot. It's a good thing we've got my superior intelligence to rely on."
"Yessir, master Stevo. You're sure there's a Pizza Hut on Mount Kilimanjaro?"
"Of course there is. You worry so, Dam!" laughed Stevo. "And even if there isn't, I can always phone for a delivery. And you know it's free if it's not delivered in 30 minutes!"


At the Sign of the Non-Working Monkey

And so it was that, tired and weary after a 90-minute flight in first class, they came to the wondrous Land of Holl, known to the locals as the Lands of Nether. Although the language spoken in this country was Double Dutch, our travellers were lucky to find that the Common Tongue was well-understood, if they spoke clearly. And shouted.
"Just enough time to stock up on Longbottom Leaf," commented Dam, tamping down his pipe.
"Bugger that," said Stevo. "I'm going on another kind of trip altogether. Here, into this Coffee Shop."
Two hours later, suitably refreshed, they staggered out into the broad light of day and headed back to the airport, ready to face the longest stretch of their journey so far.
"Whit d'you reckon, Dam? Think they'll be showing Blood Diamond on ra flight?"
"Aw, bound tae, man. That or Hot Fuzz. Mebbe both."
"Quali'y, man."

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