Farty's Fortunes

Thursday, 20 January 2011

Banned from the Co-op – Didn’t like shopping there anyway!

Yesterday I was at my local Co-op buying a large bag Pedigree Chum dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Pedigree Chum Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Chum nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from the Co-op!

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends - it will be
their laugh for the day...

(Thanks to Jennifer for this tale)


john.g. said...

I just fell out of my wheelchair laughing, you bastard!!

Mr Farty said...

John - Thought you'd like that one. See what Keith makes of it...

Liz said...


TwistedScottishBastard said...

You Bastard.
I've just got back to NZ after a quiet uneventful trip to Arctic Bloody Scotland. No injuries in the wholoe month, then I read you blog on the doggie diet and I fall off my chair and bruise my ribs.

PLEASE warn the poor readers of the dangers of your humour.
I've still got 7 years to go before retirement, and i want to reach the golden date.

Mr Farty said...

Liz - Sadly, I can't claim credit.

TSB - Wait - you're the same age as me, come from Scotchland, fan of Terry Pratchett (I've got his autograph) and you live 10km from my sister. Small world, innit?

TwistedScottishBastard said...

Your sister lives near me? (where)
In NZ?
You know where I live?
You're getting scary Mr Farty

Love Scotland,
Love the Scots
Hate the bloody weather and the (English)Government

Mr Farty said...

TSB - Your address is on your interweb page. (Sis lives in Porirua East.)

TwistedScottishBastard said...

Porirua East,
bloody hell,that's like Easterhouse (or Wester Hailes) without the good points.