Farty's Fortunes

Friday, 5 February 2010

Internet Driving Test

So Microsoft's chief strategy officer, Craig Mundie, reckons we should only be allowed on the intertubes if we have an internet driving licence.

I believe this is an absolutely brainless brilliant idea. We can use it to stop those pesky kids from getting online to download free music, play their Mafia World, Café Wars, Farmville and crap so that we can get on with the important business of Twittering.


Anyway, obviously, to obtain such a licence you'll need to pass some kind of test to prove your suitability to surf. Perhaps it would look something like this:

Internet Driving Test - Theory

Which of the following may cause loss of concentration in a long browsing session?

Mark three answers.

  • Engaging in a flamewar with trolls

  • Playing Farmville

  • Putting a cassette tape in the CD drive

  • Stopping regularly to reboot

  • Two girls, one cup

Anti-spam filters prevent your inbox from overflowing. This means the users are less likely to

Mark one answer.

  • See their browser freeze up

  • Get their PC infected with a trojan

  • Catch a virus

  • Get followed by a p0rnbot

  • See too much enough p0rn

Before starting an internet session it is wise to plan which sites to visit. How can you do this?

Mark one answer.

  • Look at Google Maps

  • Switch on your GPS

  • Look in an atlas

  • Type "p0rn" in the search box and hit "I Feel Lucky"

What percentage of all internet traffic does p0rn account for?

Mark one answer.

  • 10%

  • 15%

  • 20%

  • 99%

The fluid level in your coffee cup is low. What should you top it up with?

Mark one answer.

  • Warm milk

  • Distilled water

  • Coffee

  • Two girls, one cup

How can you tell if your PC is infected with a virus?

Mark two answers.

  • The hard drive make a rumbling noise

  • The hard drive make hardly any noise

  • The hard drive stops and goes into reverse

  • You get a popup offering free anti-virus software

  • Your PC starts opening multiple windows with links to p0rn sites

What is the most common cause of crashing?

Mark one answer.

  • Spam

  • User error

  • Other users

  • Internet Explorer

  • P0rn

An End User Licence Agreement is normally valid for

Mark one answer.

  • Three days after the date you accept it

  • 10Mb of browsing

  • One year after the date you accept it

  • 300Gb of browsing

  • Surfing p0rn sites

Antivirus packages are fitted to make the

Mark two answers.

  • Computer slow down

  • Antivirus vendors richer

  • Browsers run smoothly

  • Viruses install more easily

What is the most likely cause of high disk activity?

Mark one answer.

  • Bloatware

  • Internet Explorer

  • Antivirus software

  • BitTorrent

  • Trojan viruses

  • P0rn

While on live TV, you receive an email from a co-worker with pictures of an Australian p0rn star. You should

Mark one answer.

  • Try not to react

  • Let them know how you feel

  • Smile for the cameras, you're going to be on YouTube!

  • Send them flame emails for the rest of your career/the day, whichever is longer

  • Stab them in the face over the internet


Anonymous said...

I'm only midly out- no, no I'm not. I'm horribly outraged that yet another old man in a company that never sees or speaks to the rest of the world outside his front door has the nerve to even suggest this sort of idiocy. For starters, the last time I checked, Microsoft didn't own the internet, human souls, or free will!

I'm going to need this man's Full Name (including middle initial), Driver's License number, Social Security Number, bank account number, address, frequent haunts, telephone number (home and cell) email address, IQ result, and birth certificate, effective immediately.

(I love that I can say things like that and people USUALLY know I'm laughing so they should too.)

john.g. said...

I got them all right, 'cos I said so! Do I win anything?

Liz said...

I'm rather flattered to find myself classified as a 'kid' early on in this post. I've got 15 Farmville neighbours, 13 of whom are over the age of 40. Presumably this makes us big kids.

Mr Farty said...

Patientes - Not a fan of Microsoft either, then?

John - You win a prize especially selected by Microsoft with your unique needs in mind - a unicycle! Cos that's the stupid kind of thing they do.

Liz - Every time my daughter visits, she hogs the pooter for an hour to tend her "farm". It would be nice if she washed a cup in the real world, sigh.

lady macleod said...

LOL Good work geek-dude.

學生 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Welsh Girl said...

There seems to be a running theme here. Ahem. Two girls? One cup? What no saucer?

Mr Farty said...

Lady M - I aim to please.

Taffeta - I have no idea what you're talking about. *cough*