Farty's Fortunes

Saturday, 16 June 2007

Mr Farty's Kitchen Tips

Mrs Farty does most of the cooking in our house. Here are a few tips on how to avoid getting landed with it.

Always remember to put water in the pressure cooker before closing the lid.
In fact, since destroying one pressure cooker and having to clean another one - twice - with steel wool, I tend to put the water in first nowadays.

Stir gravy continuously from the moment you add thickener until ready to serve.
Yes, you can strain the lumps out, although using a blender tends to make it runny.

Potatoes are more easily digested when cooked.
So we had them a few minutes after the main course. What's the big deal?

Potatoes get softer after prolonged boiling; eggs get harder.
This actually happened to my uncle Peter. He couldn't understand why the "soft-boiled eggs" weren't soft yet, after cooking them for half an hour.

Back-scratchers are ideal for scraping boiled eggs from the ceiling.
See above.

Remove LMF's kirby grips from clothing before placing in washing machine.
Rather than after draining the machine and checking the filter (or calling the service engineer if you're female).

Don't leave your uneaten pizza at the restaurant.
Get the waiter to put the leftovers in a box, take it home, pop it in the fridge, leave for a couple of days, then throw it in the bin. Well, that's what we do at Farty Towels anyway.

Check what type of oven you are using before cooking Yorkshire Puddings.
Again, not guilty. What happened was, Aunty B (of Full Moon fame) volunteered to cook her Legendary Yorkshire Puddings to go with our Sunday roast. Turned the oven up to supernova. Greased the tray thoroughly with dripping. Popped the tray in the top shelf. Mixed the batter. Opened the oven door. Stepped back to avoid the flames. Shrieked.
Some ovens turn on the integrated grill when you switch them to full heat.
btw, we've still never tasted Aunty B's LYPs.

When your oven goes on fire, close the oven door.
Keep it closed for at least an hour. Turn off the oven. Cover with a damp towel. Slap Aunty B's wrists every time she "just goes to check". Rub it in at every possible opportunity for the next five years.


Anonymous said...

Please cancel my reservation at Farty Towels.

When I wrote my post on Lovely Men from Scotland I had no idea some of them were domestically-challenged.

Misssy M said...

Yeah my Dad tries that, "Oh I'm so handless in the kitchen" ruse.

You're fooling NO-ONE!

john.g. said...

You should have farted on it! OH, shit no, think of the methane!!

Cat said...

I once heated a pizza without removing the polystyrene base. I'd like to say I was a mere child, but in actual fact it was just a few years back.

Mr Farty said...

Babzy - I can whip up a bowl of porridge faster than you can say sporran. Did this morning, in fact. With salt, natch.
And, er, also Sunday lunch - roast beef and lamb, parsnips, baby potatoes, carrots, broccoli, yorkshire puddings and two pans of thick gravy, no lumps. I'm just saying.

Misssy - Feck.

John - Fart + Oven fire = Boom! I had to hold it in that time.

Cat - Hahaha! What did it taste like?

Anonymous said...

I heard if you order a pizza in Scotland the cook will throw a frozen pizza into the deep fryer.

Brom said...

Ah yes, keeping the oven door closed for an hour is essential after any incident.

Long enough to pop down the pub.

Manuel said...

"This actually happened to my uncle Peter. He couldn't understand why the "soft-boiled eggs" weren't soft yet, after cooking them for half an hour."


just me said...

My dad was the pressure cooker expert. He cooked everything in a pressure cooker. When I moved in with him to help him out when he turned 88 or so, the pressure was on me as he was breathing down my neck whenever I used the pressure cooker. I was afraid everyday our house was going into orbit because of that pressure cooker. Handy little things, but they scare me to death.

Mr Farty said...

Babzy - That is *so* not true. Chilled, maybe, but not frozen. Served with brown chippy sauce. Little Miss Farty swears by them, when not wolfing down Pot Noodles.

Brom - I like your line of reasoning. How's the demo going?

Manuel - Welcome...sorry, just checking out your blog. Carry on.

Just Me - Mrs Farty feels the same way. Come again.

lady macleod said...

fire, door, drippings... I think I have it. Excellent, another decade without cooking!

BOSSY said...

Oh yes - Bossy can see you're a real Kitchen Prize. Bossy's teenage son graduated from the same Culinary School.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee said...

Yep, I have a cook or two like that in my house. Love your blog by the way, Mr. Farty.

Mr Farty said...

Lady M - Glad to be of service!

Bossy - It's a man thing. Mostly.

Coffee - Thanks. I think I'll just nip over for a look...

The Good Woman said...

I'm with Just Me on this one. Pressure cookers are terrifying. I once saw one explode while mid corned beef cooking - it was like a bomb going off in the kitchen. And it was a bitch to clean up. I think I'd rather cook than clean!

Mr Farty said...

My Good Woman - And you survived? Well, obv, but, wow! I'm impressed.

jenny said...

Just the other day I was talking about pressure cookers with my MIL! She told me that her own Mom LOVED her pressure cooker but one day her sister came for dinner, opened the cooker before it was ready and the meal ended up on the ceiling. Needless to say, she didnt stay for dinner. I am afraid of the effing things! Love your post and I shall be adding you to my links!

Mr Farty said...

Jenny - Blimey! I've never tried to open one of the feckers while it was cooking, just assumed there were safety interlocks or something. I'm guessing this was a long time ago and explains WHY there are safety interlocks!

Oh, and hello. Have a slice of Banoffee Pie.