Farty's Fortunes

Saturday, 14 February 2009

I'm Not A Racist But...

FrenchI just can't stand the French.

Now I'm not sure whether it's because they're an arrogant bunch of cheese-eating, wine-guzzling, garlic-munching surrender-monkeys...


...or because they nuked Muroroa Atoll in breach of local and international laws...


Perhaps it's because they sank the Rainbow Warrior, murdered a Greenpeace crew member and thought they could get away with it.


No, mainly I think it's because they like to eat snails, frogs and horses.


Nothing to do with today's 6 Nations rugby result, no sirree!


VE said...

For me it is because they think Jerry Lewis is funny and they like Mimes...

Sir Bruin said...

Like yourself, I am also not racist. Having said that, I do harbour similar feelings for the Welsh (this also has nothing to do with the rugby). I do hope we will continue to be civil to each other after England play Scotchland on the 21st March.

Cat said...

I'm off to France next month, and am quite looking forward to it. I need to brush up on the lingo a bit, as I can only recall how to say that my name is Cat, I am 12 years old, and I have a pet rabbit, which I suspect won't get me very far...

AtomicLaura said...

the French aren't a race. Therefore you cannot be a racist.

john.g. said...

There's nowt wrong with frogs' legs, horse or snails, it's the French! They don't taste nice!!

Mr Farty said...

VE - When I heard Marcel Marceau had died I couldn't help thinking of him trapped in his coffin. LOL.

Sir B - I have nothing but the greatest respect for the England rugby team.

Cat - Or as they would put it: you call yourself Cat, you have 12 years and - FFS don't tell them you've got a rabbit or they'll have that with their horse-burgers.

Also, the French don't speak O-level French and pretend not to understand English. I suggest shouting slowly and clearly at them until they crack.

Atomic Laura - Reminds me of an episode of Family Fortunes.
Q: Name a dangerous race.
A: The Arabs.

John - I'll have to take your word on that.

L'Avocat du Diable said...

Oh dear. Where do I start ?

I'll go through this, point by point.

*Wine and garlic are great for your cardio-vascular thinghies. Cheese is full of calcium.
Also, wine can get you drunk.

*The Rainbow Warrior fiasco was pure Mitterrand - a man to the far-right of Machiavelli, on the ethics scale.
(He once faked his own assassination attempt in an effort to get attention and sympathy).
Note: I realise this is no defense, but as a lawyer, I can only work with the crap I'm given.

*Snails and frogs-legs are tasty, though a bit mean on the portion side of things.
Horse meat is a low-fat, cheap and healthy alternative to mad cow steak.

*You win some, you lose some, but we'll always beat them in the third half-time - we can still drink them under the table.

I'm ignoring the Mururoa thing, and hoping nobody notices. It's completely indefensible, though in keeping with the non-unique French tradition of having vile shits preside over their nation. It was Chiracs' first decision as president.

I rest my case. Don't think I'll bother hanging around for the verdict.


Hey - someone's got to defend them, it's not like they're gonna do it themselves...

Bush Babe said...

Laughed at this one... and could I ask that you add Aussies to your 'not to visit' list? At least while your backside emits flames like in your Farty Facts photo... we have enough fires going on without tourists adding to the problems!!

Brom said...

I have no problem with this - but then again I'm Welsh!

To be honest, It's beating our immidiate neighbours that's really satisfying, and then to watch any of out other celtic cousins doing the same.

Welsh Girl said...

Life would be too boring for words if we liked our neighbours, plus it would be downright un-British! Vive la hatred of the surrender loving cheese eating beret wearing mad men over the channel.

Mr Farty said...

McChé - Regarde mon visage regarde mon visage - suis-je bovvered?

BB - Talking of Scotch backsides, take a look at this. No, it's not a photo. Sorry.

Brom - Aye, as long as the English get thrashed, that'll dae me!

Taffeta - Zut alors, très bien et salute salope!

Lesley said...

The picture of the frog says it all: I mean...a beret?? These should not even be legal.

And swear to gah: The next person who pisses me off is getting called a "cheese-eating, wine-guzzling, garlic-munching surrender monkey!" And then when they're all, "WTF is THAT?!" I can also declare them an idiot!

Ugh. Losing is one thing. Losing because of errors? That's painful.

Mr H said...

The French are good at many things;

1) Running away - years of practice leading up their current rugby team being so good at it. If the Germans played rugby, the French would be World Champions all the time.

b) Not washing. Especially the wimmin.

iii) Not shaving. Beards on wimmin are only welcome in a freakshow.

D) Spitting, snorting and gargling. Should we ever need someone to do all three simultaneously, then we should phone a Frenchman. Although getting a word in, what with all the spitting, snorting and gargling might be tricky.

5) Making crap records. Everything about French music is shite. Except 80s rockers Trust. Don't let the Guardian try to fool you, the French just don't get music. Have you heard that Edith Piaf bird? It's the sound of someone spitting, snorting and gargling simultaneously to the backing of an out of tune accordion.

I could go on, and probably will, but you're excused.

#Debi said...

They fart in your general direction, you know...

WitnessProtectionScheme said...

Pourquoi tant de haine ?

Oh, wait, they beat you at that thing that's a bit like american football.

Mr Farty said...

Lesley - Berets are very good for keeping long hair free of paint, if you're an artist. If you're a poseur, not so much.

Mr H - I'd somehow forgotten about the not washing part. Yeah. Paris stinks.

I thought the spitting etc was just how they speak.

With you on the crap records, except for the bloody brilliant JE TAME, but then that was half British.

#Debi - I think I can handle being farted at.

Witless - Oh, I know this one!
Le haine de ma tante est dans le jardin. I knew that would come in handy one of these days.

Also? Using your nuclear submarines to ram our defenceless, er, nuclear submarines, won't win you any friends, you know.

Anna Russell said...

I actually love the French. Anyone who drinks wine for breakfast is alright with me. Now, the Germans on the other hand...

Mr Farty said...

Anna - There's nothing wrong with the Germans that can't be put right with a full-scale war.

Talking of which: the French started it by invading Hastings. Grr!

Sir Bruin said...

26 - 12! I will say no more.