Farty's Fortunes

Sunday, 4 January 2009

News Update

Anyway, 84 unread blog-related emails in my inbox notwithstanding, I've decided to post first, read later. That can be another resolution. What have we got?

Some police drivers have been given a ticking-off for parking in disabled spaces while they spend a penny. Talk about taking the piss. (I'm here all night, folks!)

The same source reports that Canadian boffins have discovered too much thinking can make you fat. This explains Kate Moss but not Eamonn Holmes.

Meanwhile just around the corner from me in Inverleith, Embra, the Norse God of Thunder, Thor, disturbed an intruder in his Valhallah flat (apartment). A couple of well-placed thunderbolts soon saw the ne'er-do-well leaping from a first (second) floor window. I'm not one to point fingers or that, but maybe Lothian and Borders Police should check out Loki's underwear for flash burns.

Lazyitis sufferer Leo Jackson actually turned up this year at Embra Castle for the New Year's celebrations. Despite pleas from hundreds of screaming girls, Jackson insisted on finishing his set before lifting the portcullis to let them out.

And now it turns out that throwing a stick can kill your dog. Depending on the sharpness of the stick and how good your aim is (I kid, I kid). In order not to choke the poor beast, an expert encourages the use of an over-sized article, such as Eamonn Holmes.

Air New Zealand has just completed a two-hour passenger flight powered by vegetable oil, which causes fewer emissions than ethanol. Or in my case, cheese. Ahhhh, Wensleydale!

After a two-year hiatus (wait), Sleb Big Brother is back. I only know this, obviously, because I was passing through the living room on my way to the kitchen and spotted a gorgeous chick nice-looking girl on the telly and asked Mrs F, "Who's that girl?"
Without a moment's hesitation, she replied, "Michelle Heaton."
"What, off Hears'ay?"
"No, Liberty X."
"Same difference 1. I never would have recognised her." Checks TV listings. "In fact, no wonder. That's Lucy Pinder."
"Exactly. I thought this was Celebrity Big Brother? And WTF is Tommy Fucking Sheridan doing on it?"
"That's not the worst of it," replied Mrs F. "They've got Latoya Jackson in there too. Look! There she is."
"Looks more like Michael Jackson, to tell the truth. Haven't you noticed you never see them together? I wonder..."

And then, joy of joys. "Oh, look at the funny wee man! Hahahahaha! Wait a minute, that's midget porn star Bullet McCoy! Holy crap! He's like, mega-famous! I hope they don't let him near the booze, that's all I'm saying. That Golden Autograph of his is legendary."

There were probly some other hangers-on and Z-listers there, but my night was made.

Bullet McCoy
Bullet McCoy

1 See what I did there?


Anna Russell said...

The only thing that can drag me out of my deep despair that Celebrity Big Brother is back is the knowledge that for the sake of animal rights, I can now throw Eammon Holmes into the gaping (and hopefully rabid - it would be worth the cost of a flight to France) jaws of a rottweiler.

That was a really long sentence.

Mr Farty said...

Anna - That sounds like a good plan. Let's do it.

AtomicLaura said...

most vets want you to throw a stick for your dog... they have to make a profit, you know.
I'd never heard of thus Holmes person, but I know he's not the 'wee lad' pictured

Mr Farty said...

Laura - You'll need to set your monitor to wide-screen: Eamonn Holmes.