Farty's Fortunes

Sunday, 31 August 2008

Taking the Waters

This arrived today from my South African son-in-law currently living in New Zealand. I feel it travels well...


How To Shower Like a Woman


Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.



How To Shower Like a Man


Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.


I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING CAUSE MOST OF IT'S TRUE!!!!!!

12 comments:

Giggle! said...

ROFLMFAO!!!!

I've seen this one in a work memo once... it always cracks me up!

But to be honest... I shower more like a man!

If I had a willy, I'd shake it and 'woooooo' but instead I use my tits!!! But lately even my big gut baby bump!!! *GiGGLeS* xx

Mr Farty said...

Giggle - I don't usually post emails, but I couldn't resist the fart reference.

Toot toot!

Laurie said...

My husband doesn't normally laugh out loud at things, but the woo-woo part got him!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Laurie said...

Wow. That was...odd. I subscribed to follow-up comments to this post, and I'm hoping this anonymous person doesn't live near me (some of the things he says make me think he's in the San Francisco area). I think you've just been spammed... Or should I say ::::

SpanishGoth said...

HA - what a fucking wanker. I was going to post a comment about your 'woo-woo' and then the previous shite distracted me.

I've got Jack Daniels fudge

Hoozah

*falls off chair laughing*

#Debi said...

Someone just posted their entire blog, apparently written under the influence of VERY strong drugs. WTF? Oh, and the post was v. funny... :)

Cat said...

Blimey, I thought I'd never get through that spam. A new fan?

Anyway. I wanted to say that yesterday I went from getting in the shower to dry hair, makeup and out the door in under 25 minutes. Good, no?

john.g. said...

Brilliant, Mr. F. Who is the wanker?

Laurie said...

An escapee perhaps?

john.g. said...

Quiz at mine Farty!

Mr Farty said...

Laurie - Hurrah!

Anon - Fuck off.

Laurie again - Why do you give valuable time to people who don't care if you live or die? I didn't bother reading it.

S - JD fudge? ISTR reading something about that - a supermarket had it on the shelves, but couldn't sell it on a Sunday because it was 1% alcohol. FFS.
You sound happy in the haze of a drunken hour.

#Debi - Mmmm...strong drugs...

Cat - Oh, hello. Getting in the shower to out the door in 25 mins. Dressed, I hope?
Oh. Please do me a favour and put the others out of my misery. Have a go at my Friday Chart. It sounds like your recent history: you were looking for a job, then you found a job, etc.

John - I haven't a clue, but I'd like to kick him in the eye.

Laurie yet again - We have that over here, it's called scare in the community.

John again - I've been in the house too long, I'll be right over.