Farty's Fortunes

Saturday, 25 August 2007

"Q, You Are A Shite..."

"...For Shore Eyesh." Yes, it's Sean Connery's birthday. The first proper James Bond was born and bred in...wait for it...Embra! Happy Birthday, 007!

This global warming is freaking me out, Embra's now into its fourth sunny day in a row after almost four months of cloud and rain. Well, mustn't grumble. Let's see what's in the news...

Timothy Brady has been done for speeding - or should that be flying without a pilot's licence? 172mph? That's more than a hundred miles per hour above the speed limit. Why on earth do they even make cars that can achieve these speeds?

Boffins (dontcha luv that word?) have discovered a Hole In Space almost a thousand million light years across. It's completely empty - no stars, no galaxies, no dark matter, not even dust. The void can be found between the ears of Timothy Brady.

A German woman was outraged after finding that she'd been having sex with her boyfriend's brother. Her BF, who was embarrased about having a tiny willy, would insist on putting the lights out before bonking her. In the darkness, he would then swap places with his brother (hiding in the toilet), who would satisfy the GF before switching places once more. Sounds suspiciously like the one about the woman who turned the light on to discover her not-too-well-endowed husband of twenty years diddling her with a dildo. When she asked him to explain himself, he replied, "Only after you explain the kids."

A Neighbourhood Watch scheme in Lancashire has recruited a burglar to help them combat crime. So far, Marcell Vollings has allegedly suggested keeping jewellery on display, so that you can tell if it's gone missing; leaving keys in the ignition, to save looking for them when you go out; and avoiding labelling white goods with UV ink, in case you want to sell them later.

One more? Flat-chested policewomen in the Northern Constabulary have been ordered to wear fluorescent clothing so that members of the public know who to point and laugh at. You couldn't make it up. Well, you could, but it wouldn't be half as funny.


Liz said...

Good evening Mr Farty,

I get all my news now either from teletext or by reading other people's blogs - yours is a particularly good source. I have just spent the past two hours lurking around on t'internet and from this post, I surmise you have been similarly employed today.

Aren't Saturdays great?


Mr Farty said...

Liz - Actually, no. I get my news from telly, radio and papers. I just use the online news services to provide links for you, my dear reader, to follow up.

But yes, Saturdays are great. And Bank holiday weekends. And holidays. And staying up late when you don't have to get up early.

The Farmers Wife said...

How do they know that there is no dust in this bit of space? Have they been in with the Dyson? Do they really have telescopes so powerful that they can see dust from all those miles away?

john.g. said...

Farty, they make cars/bikes go that fast 'cause it's BRILLIANT!

Only in a safe and responsible environment, you understand!

Mr Farty said...

Mrs Welly - Oh, don't think I've seen you here before. Welcome.
Feck, just glanced at your blog. Another one to add to the bogroll. Great.

I think they have Kim and Aggie operating the telescopes.

John - I have a mate who whinges incessantly about the time, cost and effort involved in finding a parking space in the city, road tax, petrol, insurance, congestion, etc. etc.; when I stopped him to ask why he drives, he gave the same reply as you. Oddly enough, I do understand.

Mr H said...

My Dad punched Sean Connery out in the Palais de Dance, Fountainbridge once.

How much does my Mum regret picking the victor that night.

Mr H, who is not at all bitter at not being Jason Connery.

Misssy M said...

Re Tim Brady. Oh very good, but can he do this


The Farmers Wife said...

Should i be offended that you want to add me to your bogroll?

Sewmouse said...

One wonders what the over-endowed female officers need to wear...

Sean Connery, for all that he is a nice little piece of eye-candy, is rumored to be a bit of a misogynist arsehole, thereby negating any positives from the eye-candyness. Shame, really.

Mr Farty said...

Mr H - Just noticed you've become Mr A on my bogroll, wtf is wrong with me?
Anyway, nice one, your dad.

Misssy - Ew!

Mrs Welly - If you'd like me to remove the link, just say so...

Sew - Sports bras?