What Farty Got For Ecksmas

Because I'm sure you're just dying to know.

What I got was frankly quite obscene. Cue flashback...

Ecksmas Past:
Four kids to a double bed. Never even heard of central heating, let alone double glazing. Thick frost on the inside of the window panes. One bicycle between the whole family, and that was won with a threepenny raffle ticket. It was adult size, so it would be years before I could sit in the saddle and pedal at the same time, and more years still before I inherited it.

In those days a satsuma, an apple and perhaps a bar of chocolate were literally your stocking fillers. Anything else was a bonus. We were over the moon when my dad produced a sleigh, allegedly hand-made from used orange boxes - but thinking back, it was far too well-constructed and hardy to be anything but from a shop. We did have a real tree, which shed real pine needles on the carpet. And we made at least some of our own decorations.

I seem to recall getting a battery-driven toy something with coloured flashing lights. It moved around a bit on its own, but didn't walk, so I guess it must have been some kind of non-humanoid robot. I still remember the scree-scree sound the motor made, but that's about it. And the humungous batteries. You could push it to drive the wheels faster and make it light up a bit more.

Ecksmas Present:
Bear in mind that I am now in my sixth decade on this earth. Ready?

• Alan Carr's autobiography. He's so funny!


• Terry Pratchett's new book. He once said he was a patron of mine, which only readers who know my real name will get.


• Thorntons chocolate and toffee. *mouths thankyou* I'm scheduled for root canal treatment in February.


• Girls Aloud CD and DVD.


• Adult 3d puzzle. Which is weird considering this comment I left on Belgian Waffle a few days ago.


• Pen and pencil set. Because you can never have too many pens and pencils. Unless you steal stationery.


• Amarula. *sigh*


• Seven fecking pairs of socks.


• Various smellies. Thank feck I never got aftershave again. I have no intentions of ever shaving off my beard.


• Digital photo frame. Which will be truly great as soon as I figure out how to switch it on. Will any kids reading this care to explain it to me?


• T-shirts, sweaters and jeans. Which is the sort of thing I can actually use.


• Coconut tablet. Home-made according to Granny's recipe. My mum passed this on to one of my nieces, who guards the secret like something in one of those Indiana Jones films. One of these days...


• Twenty British pounds worth of Woolworths vouchers. FFS. Woolies has just gone bust. BUT. Today I made it to Woolies on the last day of the closing down sale. They were even selling off the fixtures and fittings. I considered buying a pair of automatic doors and a cash register, but I don't think I could have got them all on the bus. I ended up buying a Christina Aguilera double CD, Destiny's Child #1s, three Terry's chocolate oranges, six Cadbury's Fruit and Nuts, two pairs of cooker hood lights, a set of Doctor Who stickers, er, for my nephew, and still got twelve pounds change. So, not so bad.

Oh. And then when I went to Morrisons for the weekly shop, a boy scout helped me pack the shopping bags. The look of gratitude on his face when I popped a five-pound note in his charity bucket - priceless!