Farty's Fortunes

Wednesday, 23 April 2008

Whirlwind

I've been suffering manly in silence from the dreaded Man Flu. I've been at Death's door for three days - yesterday, today and tomorrow - but I've struggled on. Anyway, a couple of aspirin later and it's cleared up. But there's a lot of catching up to do. So without further adieu, a quick clearout of my backlog.

Alice's Restaurant Revisited.
Some bloke's been fined £225 ($450) after his family of five overfilled their wheelie bin, which is emptied every two weeks, by four inches. He now has a criminal record for littering and may be forbidden from joining the army and that as a result. I wonder if the council produced any photos in evidence against him? Yes.

Back Off, Brussels!
Playing the bagpipes has been banned (again - the last time was in 1745) following EU health and safety legislation this time. Noise exposure must not exceed 85 decibels, but the pipes typically peak at 122dB. Pipers have been ordered to turn down the volume or wear earplugs. Since bagpipes don't come with a fricking volume control and pipers can't hear themselves while wearing something designed to prevent them from hearing anything, the poor Scotch now have no way to avoid hearing the missus yapping enjoy their musical heritage.

Does My Bum Look Big In This?
Former Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott has plugged his new book by "confessing" that he suffers from bulimia. Having a former bulemic in the family, I know that the symptoms vary from one person to the next, but always include three familiar signs:

  1. The patient thinks they're fat. Check.

  2. They stuff their faces in public. Check.

  3. They look like skin and bone. Er...


Normal service will resume as soon as I work out what's normal.

6 comments:

Giggle! said...

HAHAHAHA Where the heck did you come from??? You're Fabulous!!! :-)

Thanks for your comment on The adventures of RAT GiRL!
Mr Farty...

*GiGGLeS* xx

Laurie said...

I hope the aspirins don't wear off until after tomorrow...

I went to Friendly Atheist's site today, and I thought I'd accidentally gone to yours instead. Seriously. I had to scroll back up to the top and check. I was afraid something had happened to your thistles...

Sewmouse said...

Wheelie Bin Secret Police?

And the courts UPHELD it? Y'all need to move here, babe. We'd have thrown that one out faster than you can say "GWB is an Arsehole"

Wheelie bins here are blue. Usually. And usually called Trash Cans. Just FYI. In case you need to know for another episode of English/Merkan.

Laurie said...

Our wheelie bins, I mean trash/garbage cans here are green. Our greenwaste containers are black, and recycle bins blue.

Marie said...

My husband wants to learn to play the bagpipes. I'm like, where the hell do you think you're going to practise??? He wants a kilt too, and no, he's not the least bit Scottish.

Mr Farty said...

Giggle - And I'm modest with it ;-)

Laurie - Why, what happens tomorrow? *cough*

Sew - Oooo, a perfect excuse for a crap joke. Watch this space...

Laurie again - Yeah, we have lots of different coloured recycling containers too, I have trouble keeping track.

Marie - We had one really bad piper who used to practice in Princes Street (Embra's main thoroughfare). People threw money to make him stop.