Farty's Fortunes

Tuesday, 29 April 2008

A Brief History Of Scotchland - Part 1


Click to enlarge

In response to overwhelming popular demand (although let's face it, I would probly have done this even if you'd begged me not to), Mr Farty proudly presents his own unique point of view on the greatest little country in the world.

So....where to begin? At the beginning, of course. Since I'm making this up as I go along basing this on state-of-the-art research, other posts in the series may appear to be out of sequence or might even seem to contradict each other. Don't be misled, every word is absolutely true1.

To fully understand the Scotch people, it is first necessary to have a grasp of the hand that we've been dealt. And that means looking at our geology. One account has it that a team of English geologists were up in the Highlands questioning a local about the landscape whilst taking copious notes. After they left, Hamish asked Jock why he'd been giving them completely the wrong names for every loch, ben and cairn. "Och, they were only making a map!"

As Bishop Usher, after whom the Usher Hall in Embra is named, once calculated, the Earth was created in 4004 BC. This is a scientific fact2. Scotchland was, at this time, absolutely crawling with dinosaurs, some of which survive today in remote, inaccessible, trackless wastes such as Loch Ness.
Loch Ness
Deserted Loch Ness

When the Great Flood killed off all of the dinosaurs3, their bodies were covered in silt, sediment and mammoths, which squeezed their carcasses relentlessly over a period of thousands of years until they turned into oil. North America split away from the rest of Scotchland and went drifting across the Atlantic, taking most of our oil with it down to Texas. When we've finished calculating the bill, plus interest, y'all will be hearing from our lawyers.

Oil is treated by most of the Western world as a commodity to be burned up and turned into watseful CO2, but in Scotchland we like to recycle our hydrocarbons, e.g. by using that oil to deep-fry our Mars Bars, pizza and haggis.
Mars Bar
A deep-fried Mars Bar. Or possibly a haggis. It's hard to tell.

Right. I've got some serious research to do for part 2. Toot toot!

1 For a given value of true.

2 If enough members of the clergy do the same sums as the bish, and they all agree on the results, that makes it a "scientific fact". Look it up.

3 Emerson!


BOSSY said...

You seriously had Bossy at "deep fried". Bossy is glad to be home following her favorite Farty again!

#Debi said...

I have to admit it--I am a 10 year old boy at heart, I guess. I took me a minute to quit laughing at the fact that you all have a town called Peterhead...

Mmmmm, fried...stuff...

Jacki said...

Never did try a deep-fried Mars bar, but I loved the local fish 'n chips. YUMMM!!

Mr Farty said...

Bossy - Welcome back!

#Debi - Peterhead is funny? That makes Kinfucky hilarious!

Jacki - Me neither, but Little Miss Farty swears by them.

#Debi said...

Kinfucky? That's a good one--never heard that one before, seriously.

Of course, you know that this area was settled mostly by Scotsmen and Irish... :)

I want to come to Scotland, but I'm afraid that I'd not want to leave. It looks such a beautiful place!