Farty's Fortunes

Sunday, 5 April 2009

Exactly Who Thought It Would Be A Good Idea To Let All The King's Horses Go First?

I've been thinking about some popular nursery rhymes and frankly? It's pretty scary what we've been teaching our kids.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water;
Jack fell down and broke his crown,
And Jill came tumbling after.

Up Jack got, and home did trot,
As fast as he could caper1,
To old Dame Dob2, who patched his nob
With vinegar3 and brown paper4.

Then Jill came in, and she did grin,
To see Jack’s paper plaster;
Her mother whipped her5 across her knee,
For laughing at Jack’s disaster.

1. In the event of a head injury, the NHS strongly discourages any capering for at least the first 24 hours.
2. Is Dame Dob even a qualified first aider?
3. On the use of acetic acid as an antiseptic/disinfectant, the general consensus is that this should be seen as a last resort. Plus, it stings like fuck.
4. Brown paper vs crêpe bandages? What would Florence Nightingale say?
5. Child abuse! Call Social Services, stat!

There was an old lady who swallowed a fly,
I don't know why she swallowed a fly.
Perhaps she'll die!

The ingestion of Drosophila melanogaster is seen by the Health and Safety Executive as a relatively low-risk activity. Death by asphyxiation or other serious trauma only occurred in 0.01% of recorded cases in 2006. However, because of its perception as a "gateway" to more hard-core fauna consumption, e.g. dogs, goats, or in extreme cases, horses, HM Government has chosen to crack down and rate fly-swallowing as a class B recreational activity punishable by up to three months imprisonment or being forced to watch old Dancing With The Stars repeats.

Hey Diddle Diddle!
The cat played the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon.

The little dog laughed
To see such fun,
And the dish ran away with the spoon.

Lacking opposable thumbs, cats tend to find fiddle-playing a particularly difficult form of musicianship. So full marks to puss for his/her achievement!

Likewise, bovine moon-jumping. This is why farmyard animals have been systematically excluded from participating in Olympic events. They would just show up human athletes for the weaklings they are. An ant can lift 200 times its own body weight. Fact.1

Dog-laughing? Dogs are stupid easily amused.

Dish-Spoon liaisons? No on 8!

1. And by "fact" I mean I just made up that figure. But I bet it's more than a human could do.2

2. Unless that human was Jack Bauer off 24. Apparently.

Old Mother Hubbard
She went to the cupboard
To get her poor doggy a bone;
But when she got there
The cupboard was bare,
And so the poor doggy had none.

She went to the baker’s
To buy him some bread,
But when she came back
The poor doggy was dead.

She went to the joiner’s
To buy him a coffin,
But when she came back
The dog he was laughing.

She took a clean dish
To get him some tripe,
But when she came back
He was smoking his pipe.

She went to the fishmonger’s
To buy him some fish,
But when she came back
He was licking the dish.

She went to the ale-house
To get him some beer,
But when she came back
The dog sat in a chair.

She went to the tavern
For white wine and red,
But when she came back
The dog stood on his head.

She went to the barber’s
To buy him a wig,
But when she came back
He was dancing a jig.

She went to the tailor’s
To buy him a coat,
But when she came back
He was riding a goat.

She went to the cobbler’s
To buy him some shoes,
But when she came back
He was reading the news.

She went to the hatter’s
to buy him a hat,
But when she came back
He was feeding the cat.

She went to the fruiterer’s
To buy him some fruit,
But when she came back
He was playing the flute.

She went to the sempster’s
To buy him some linen,
But when she came back
The dog he was spinning.

She went to the hosier’s
To buy him some hose,
But when she came back
He was dressed in his clothes.

The dame made a curtsey,
The dog made a bow;
The dame said, "Your servant,"
The dog said, "Bow-wow!"

Old Mother Hubbard was on crack.


Laurie said...

Thanks for the TwitWarning!

You might not notice swallowing a fruit fly, but Musca domestica might be a different matter. Twister is torn about the Government crackdown: he actually is the most hardcore and lethal member of the animal kingdom, but alternately, he constantly attracts the gateway fauna, especially in summer months, and could potentially become a fly pusher and make some money.

Middle Aged Woman said...

Riding a goat? I thought auld Scotchmen preferred sheep.

Cat said...

Most nursery rhymes (and fairy tales) are actually really quite sinister, I think.

Grit said...

but you are right mr farty. squirrel was the living proof of this thanks to a small baby book she had with her for two years. by the age of three she was convinced that lions wore hats.

Mr Farty said...

Laurie - A fly pusher. Now there's an expression you don't see much of nowadays.

MAW - Anything that doesn't struggle too much. Ye ken.

Cat - Maybe it's just in your head. I used to say this to my daughter as I put her to bed:

Sleep tight
Don't let the buggies bite.

And if they bite
Then squeeze them tight
And they'll no' bite another night!

She was terrified that her buggy (stroller) was going to bite her. True story.

Grit - I once saw a cat in a hat. No wait, that was a book too.

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

Doesn't "diddle" mean "to have sex with"?

Welsh Girl said...

Hmm, think you have forgotten that cat's have a 'lazy thumb' cunningly hidden half way up their leg. I'm sure that allows them to be accomplished fiddlers....

Mr Farty said...

Jenny - I thought that was "tiddle", as in, "Next on WW†BD, we have some advice for Mr Snodgrass who lives in Croydon and tiddles the cat. Stop it, you'll go blind."

Taffeta - OMG those cats are cunning! Cunning but lazy. If they ever decide to stop being lazy, mankind is doomed.

Lesley said...

Terrorist: I am going to blow up this city block with this bomb I'm holding!!

Jack Bauer: Oh yeah? Well:
She went to the tailor’s
To buy him a coat,
But when she came back
He was riding a goat.

Terrorist (confused and momentarily disoriented): WTF?

JB: (Rushes in! snatches bomb! Takes down terrorist! Saves day! CHARGES CELL PHONE. Eats cheese sandwich. Pees.)

The end.

Lesley said...

Oh. I forgot this part: OMG THE BLOGGESS WAS HERE TODAY! Swooooon!

I've Been Mugged said...

Could Jack's brown papered nob be a euphemism for something similar, received in the Post?

Mr Farty said...

Lesley - Cool synopsis. Also? I KNOW!!!! *swoons*

IBM - Ew!

Sewmouse said...

Little Miss Muffet
sat on her tuffet
eating her curds and whey
Along came a spider
and sat down beside her
and frightened Miss Muffet away.

1) WTF is a tuffet? Is that olde Englische for butt?

2) If she wasn't eating so much cottage cheese, maybe her "tuffet" wouldn't be quite so large.

3) How do spiders "sit"? They have no butts.

4) What a wimp!!! Why not just squash it??

Mr Farty said...

Sew - Well, hello stranger! Ack! I hate fecking spiders!

Anna Russell said...

Still more wholesome than The Pussy Cat Dolls.

Mr Farty said...

Anna - Heh. You said pussy.