Farty's Fortunes

Friday, 20 March 2009

Family 'too rich to work'

Phil and Betty Windsor own most of Hampshire and haven't done a day's work between them in over half a century.

They say that they don't need to work as they claim benefits of over £7 million every year to help them run their vast estates.

Betty spends her days walking the corgis around the local estate, while Phil abuses foreigners at every opportunity.

Eldest son Charlie relies on state handouts even though he runs a shop in Cornwall with his horse, selling biscuits, wine and other overpriced crap to unsuspecting tourists.

Daughter Annie is a rugby groupie, travelling up and down the country to eye up the players as they scrummage in the mud.

Incredibly, the family refuse to get proper jobs, claiming their land and titles are hereditary - even though Betty herself handed Charlie the Principality of Wales on a whim.

Silver spoon

The family, who own a total of 84 castles, palaces and stately homes, spend £50,000 a week on food and say they wouldn't be seen dead eating beans on toast.

"One has one's Fortnum & Masons hampers delivered three times a day," says Betty. "One can get top-notch Beluga caviar at bargain prices. It really adds a zest to roast swan and quail's eggs."

"That little whippersnapper Billy said he wanted to join the filth," says Phil of his eldest grandson, "but we soon knocked some sense into him and now he regularly flies a helicopter over to his girlfriend's house for a weekend shag. Good for him I say!"

When asked to comment, a London taxpayer said, "They're worth every penny, Gawd bless 'em! I 'ad that Eddie in the back of my cab once, he was a right gayer. Not that there's anything wrong with that."


Anonymous said...

Phil did go for a job once, presenting some show on the BBC about cars, but they went for someone younger in the end.
He got his benefits extended on the back of that job interview.

And anyway, Wales is a family heirloom - why wouldn't she give it to Charlie, it's a free country, innit ?
Poor old Charlie - in trouble with the law again.


Anna Russell said...

Andrew should go on X-Factor and Philip... hmmm. Foreign relations maybe? Second thoughts, maybe not.

Mr Farty said...

McChé - Dodgy Detox? All it needs is the right marketing...

Anna - I hear Brenda has her own reality tv series, but it's only on once a year. Still more entertaining than some I could Goody.

livesbythewoods said...

Hey! I saw a story very much like this in several highly reputable places this week. Not least, my blog.

Well done that man. These things need to be exposed in the cold light of day.

Sewmouse said...

Oh My Goodness - Chuck is a snake-oil salesman? That's what comes of having a family business that has the CEO refusing to step down and let the next generation take over.

Certainly Betsy should have retired by now and be off somewhere playing bocce and shuffleboard and baking cookies, no?

Mr Farty said...

WithaY - Mmmm. My story could do with a polish now I come to look at it. Your one is funnier.

Sew - Chuck has offered to take the reigns (geddit?) many times, but Betsy insists, "over one's dead body."

lady macleod said...

still laughing, and just wondering if they would adopt me?