Farty's Fortunes

Tuesday, 24 March 2009

A Brief History of Scotchland - Part 7

'Twas in the year 1689 that the Mobile City of Dundee launched a furious, but ultimately abortive attack on the scourge of Scotchland, Janette and Ian Tough. This epic pub brawl went down in the annals of history as the Battle to Kill The Krankies.
Kranky

A couple of early casualties in the meleé were the Earl a' Murraymints and his beautiful wife, the Lady Mondegreen, who fought and ultimately died side by side just a century beforehand and a hundred miles to the north. Or south. What do you want, accuracy? Sheesh. That's what Uncyclopedia's for.
Murraymints

Only one intrepid Scotchman escaped the battle unscathed. Mr Donald MacBean of Auchtershoogle was out walking his pet haggis, Shuggy, when he heard the rumble of the approaching city. Without a moment's hesitation, he lifted up his wooden kilt, yelled, "I fart in your general direction!" and let loose an almighty blast.

Kilt

The force of the resulting eruption, thought to be fuelled by mashed neeps (turnips), propelled Mr MacBean clear across the river Garry to safety. Shuggy's fate is not recorded.

Garry

Sadly, although Dundee won the match 5-0, The Krankies lived to fight another day and can still be heard murdering the Scotch language at Christmas pantomimes and TV specials (rates negotiable).

Any resemblance of the above tale to historical accuracy is purely coincidental.

14 comments:

Anna Russell said...

I may have just pissed myself laughing. And I would like to take part in the battle to Kill the Krankies.

Mr Farty said...

Anna - There's a queue. A very long one.

#Debi said...

Re: the wooden kilt. Why?

Jozet at Halushki said...

I want a pet haggis! I want a pet haggis!

LOL! This just about sent me round the bend, lol.

Mr Farty said...

#Debi - Alas, one of the great unanswered questions - wait! Because he's a mentalist.

Jozet - I never know till I get feedback whether I should give up blogging or go back to farming hagii, so thanks for the vote of confidence!

#Debi said...

Maybe he's trying to attract beavers...

Lesley said...

First of all: CHECK OUT DEBI'S MIND UP IN THE GUTTER THERE. Awesome.

Second of all: OMG: Battle to Kill the Krankies? I have been losing that battle for YEARS. Now they're all just taking over. I'm a total failure.

Third of all: Better Oot Than In and Mr. Farty make me smarter. It took me a couple days to respond here because I had to read slowwwwly while I kept clicking over to Wikipedia and pouring through the five Encyclopedia Britannicas open around me plus my Scotchland to Merkan dictionary. All while searching for a wooden kilt in my size on ebay.

Mr Farty said...

Lesley - You learn so much by reading this blog. Mainly, as you say, by thinking WTF? and then doing your own research. You're welcome.

Ché said...

I don't so much wonder about a wooden kilt (why not? eh) but I do question the genius of getting Roman Polanski to model it.

Mr Farty said...

McChé - LOL!

lady macleod said...

OH mercy!

Mr Farty said...

Lady M - You're not related to Lady Mondegreen, by any chance?

Welsh Girl said...

God I'm disappointed. I thought that place on the way to Aviemore - Kill ye Krankie (sassenach sp Killiecrankie) was the result of a successful massacre and now I find that I was so horribly wrong. History sucks.

Mr Farty said...

Taffeta - Always remember that history is written by the winners. So basically they can write whatever they please. It pleases me to write this version :)