Farty's Fortunes

Thursday, 12 April 2007

My Membership Application Is Rejected

I'll be fifty on Saturday - aaaaarrrggghhhh!!! It looks so bleak written down. Fifty. 50. The Big Five-Oh. Think I'll stick with thirty-something.

Any road up. With Old Age impending, I thought I should apply for membership of the Society Of Dirty Old Men, or SODOM. But somehow this tale had already reached their big, hairy ears.

For our twentieth wedding anniversary, five years ago, I took Mrs Farty out to South Africa to visit her Eldest Daughter and our son-in-law, Fat Bastard. We did the Grand Tour, ya-de-ya, if you're very good I might tell you about it someday. But not this day.

We ended up, the four of us, spending a long weekend in the Court House, a bungalow owned by, and overlooking, Morgan Bay Hotel. But perched on a hilltop, with even better views.

Mrs Farty was down in the hotel with FB, when she remembered she'd left her camera by her bedside. So Muggins was sent to fetch it. Up the steps in the sweltering heat, into the Court House, kick off trainers, pad across the cool floor to the large bedroom, pick up camera, turn, head for main door, something catches my eye.

Door to second bedroom is standing wide open. Sprawled face down across the double bed, wearing only skimpy summer clothes, is Eldest Daughter. Fast asleep.

What was I thinking? I'll tell you.

"Oh, the poor thing looks exhausted. Better be careful not to wake her. Will she be safe here on her own? Yes."

*tip-toes out, picking up trainers on the way. closes the front door behind him really quietly*

I know she's my step-daughter and therefore technically family, but as a dirty perv, surely it was my duty to take some photos? Or to think about it? Or at least to think, Phwoarrr!

But no. Nada. Nothing. Zilch.

I'll never get that membership now.


Timbo said...

I think, Farty, it may be A GOOD THING that you didn't naturally perv your stepdaughter.

I also believe that due to that familial link you can still be a member of the SODOM club. I'm sure there's gonna be a clause in there somewhere that helps you overcome this terrible hurdle.

Mr. X said...

Think of the blackmail opportunity you missed :)

SpanishGoth said...

You can still get in - change of footwear is required. Ditch the trainers, get shiny shoes and spend a lot of time looking at your feet, whilst actually admiring the reflection up dresses. Also remember, never get into a lift unless it is nearly full - more chance of a quick grope...

lettuce said...

what nice blog friends you have.

well. Happy Birthday.

Turning 40 bothered me not a whit.


50 is pretty close now. And is kind of eerie, don't you think?

50. blimus. That ought to be pretty nearly grown-up?

Mr Farty said...

Aw guys, thanks for your warm support. Mmmm, feels nice. Oh, yeah baby!


Lettuce - You would think, eh?

Feelin' over 45, goin' on 15.

Brom said...

Very respectful.

If it was a digital camera you could have taken the pics and kept the decision about whether to delete until later?

Don't worry, there is still time.

Are you like me, are the true signs of real grumpyness settling in these days?

Mr Farty said...

Brom - Still time? Not with stepdaughter. I've gone shopping for handbags with her for FSM's sake.

There is a picture of me about halfway through THIS.

You'll know it when you see it.

apositivepessimist said...

Well Fuck. You Old Bastid...Fifth-freaking-tee.

If you called him Fit Bastard you could pretend yer Kiwi.

ooh it's Saturday...

Happy Birthday Farts!!!

And may you have another *insert...how many more years you wish to live* of them.

MKWM said...

Just think you and Mrs Farty, your other half, are 25 years old. That sums up, the big Five-0.

Happy birthay Mr Farty!

Cat said...

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, hapy birthday Mr Farty, happy birthday to you!

Have a ripping time, you old fart.

Mr Farty said...

Apos - Ah, yes. If I had teen seents for every blood relative I've got in NZ, I'd have seextee seents.

Ladies - Thank you for your birthday wishes. x