Farty's Fortunes

Wednesday, 3 June 2009

Airline Price War Escalates

In the latest twist to the price war between rival low-cost airlines, EasyJet has announced that passengers will henceforth be asked to fly the aircraft themselves.

This is seen by many as a response to RyanAir's cost-cutting plans to make passengers carry on their own luggage, on top of paying to use the toilet and sick bags.

Market analyst Paul Madeupname said, "This is a response to RyanAir's cost-cutting plans to make passengers carry on their own luggage, on top of paying to use the toilet and sick bags.

"Airline pilots earn significantly more than baggage handlers, so cutting them out of the equation should save the airline hundreds of pounds."

EasyJet boss Stelios Haji-Ioannou explained, "We've seen in the movies time and time again that when one or both pilots are incapacitated by food poisoning, terrorists or motherfucking snakes, there is always someone on board with no flying experience whatsoever who is able to land the plane safely, albeit with help from a retired alcoholic Air Force pilot drafted in to the control tower and sobered up with strong black coffee. This is simply extending that principle to cover takeoff and cruising, where an autopilot does most of the work anyway.

"Of course this begs the question of who is going to shag the stewardesses, but I'm sure our male passengers will be glad to fill the gap, as it were."

RyanAir is expected to confirm in the next few days that it will retaliate by requesting passengers to bring their own allocation of airplane fuel to the airport with them. And pay to have it checked in.

British Airways has denied suggestions that it plans to remove all the seats from its 2000-strong fleet and pack the passengers in like sardines "until August at the earliest".

Air France is said to be reviewing its own procedures after hitting "teething troubles" with a similar policy to EasyJet's this week, where passengers were offered the chance to "have a go" at the controls for $50 per 20 minutes while the pilots slept off a hangover.

10 comments:

Lesley said...

Paul Madeupname. HEH.

I have found the cheapest, CHEAPEST way to fly is not to fly. *shudder*

(What's next in the price wars? BYOP?!)

Liz said...

Has anyone made an air disaster movie yet where the day is saved by some child who has learned his flying skills on the Play Station?

If anyone would like to use this idea as a movie plot, I expect to be paid millions of pounds for it, or at least enough money to cover the cost of flying somewhere with a sensible airline.

Welsh Girl said...

Hold on, are you saying that Sleazy Jet had pilots before? Are you sure about that?

Liz - I think your shot at millions and gazillions of hollywood pounds is a couple of years too late. I definitely saw something the other day where the guy flying the plane said he had only done it before on playstation!

Mr Farty said...

Lesley - I may never fly again. Ah well, it's good for the planet.

Liz, Taffeta - Flight of the Navigator comes close. Plane, spaceship, whatever.

Lesley said...

I LOVE Flight of the Navigator!

Because I'm 12 like that.

john.g. said...

Why don't they use blow-up pilots as in Airplane? It would give the air hostesses something to do!

Mr Farty said...

Lesley - Welcome to my world.

John - How rude! Tee-hee.

Laurie said...

And THAT is why I fly Virgin Atlantic. Has NewsArse hired you yet? They totally should, but if they won't, maybe The Onion will...

Mr Farty said...

Laurie - The last time I flew Virgin, I met the boss. He even took his family through the same customs channel as the rest of us plebs, very very nice man.

And no, not yet.

#Debi said...

@Welsh Girl: Would that movie have been "Fool's Gold"? I think they did that in that movie...