Farty's Fortunes

Sunday, 31 May 2009

Outrage Over Charlatanry Claims

Charlatans were outraged today over claims that Charlatanry might actually be an effective treatment for something.

"I went to see a charlatan after conventional medicine failed to cure my baldness," explained Major Buffy Cohen (retired). "The quack made me lie face-down on a couch while he played a tape of whale song, or possibly Rolf Harris playing a didgeridoo, then he waved a crystal over me for a bit and muttered some mumbo jumbo. Didn't make a blind bit of difference, of course, but when I saw the size of the bill a couple of weeks later, it completely cured my hiccups."

The British Association of Charlatans, Quacks and Snake-Oil Representatives in Europe (BACQSORE) have already issued a writ for damage caused to their reputation as complete fraudsters, even although they are not yet sure whether the alleged treatment was for a recognised phony medical condition like restless leg syndrome, having a sloping forehead or pregnancy.

"These allegations are as scurrilous as they are true," said an outraged spokesman for BACQSORE. "Our remedies are world-famous for being proven to be totally ineffective in controlled double-blind clinical trials and we are prepared to stand up in court if need be to refute these unsubstantiated claims of effectiveness using the highest-powered liars, er, lawyers that money can buy. If we could stand up. Which we can't. Bit of a bad back just now. You don't happen to have any painkillers on you, do you? I think I've pulled something. Could you call a doctor? While we're waiting, can I interest you in a couple of gallons of 100% natural snake-oil, er, bio-diesel? Sourced from free-range Guatemalan rock-pythons, guaranteed to stall your engine within 100 yards. Or bring you out in a rash. Whatever."

Simon Singh was unavailable for comment.

11 comments:

Laurie said...

There I was all ready to make a comment in support of Simon Singh, and there you go putting him in right at the end and messing it up for me. Thanks! But then again, you probably stopped me from saying something I might get sued over, anyway.

Welsh Girl said...

Honestly, what is the world coming to when even Charlatans accidentally do things right? It's all gone horribly wrong and I can't even fail to cure it with snake oil anymore...

Anna Russell said...

I'm in the wrong line of work - I need someone to pay me thousands to waft some incense over their head.

Up for it Farty?

john.g. said...

My back's sore......but then again!

Sewmouse said...

Anna - the Catholic Church has been getting seriously wealthy by doing EXACTLY THAT for centuries.

I don't think you have the right kind of plumbing to join their syndicate, however.

Mr Farty said...

Laurie - Grr, bloody Charlatans! *shakes fist*

Nothing to do with spine-kneaders, obv. *cough*

Taffeta - Wasn't there a pop group called the Charlatans?

Anna - I'm all in favour of wafting smelly stuff. What's incense?

John - It'll take more than snake oil to get you back on your feet. Maybe you could try it, then sue them for false advertising?

Sew - But the Church is always pleading poverty. Just look at the Vatican. Ok, bad example...

Ché l'écossais said...

Christianism is so 19th century - we've got homophobia now.

Dang, that's not what i meant to type at all. You people have confused me.

...what I meant to say was...

Charlatanism is so 19th century - we've got homeopathy now.

Mr Farty said...

McChé - Very good, you should write for NewsArse!

Lesley said...

Phony medical condition "sloping forehead" made me snort-laugh.

Mr Farty said...

Lesley - I was about to change it from "sloping forehead" to "man flu", but of course that's a totally genuine medical condition yes it is.

Ché lecossais said...

Ha, brilliant, didn't know NewsArse, love the whole "BBC clone" thing.

Cheers !