Farty's Fortunes

Monday, 22 June 2009

Fathers of Invention

We all know that Fleming invented Penicillin in between writing his James Bond novels and building the first flying car, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, but what about the not-so-famous inventors and their creations?

In the beginning there was nothing except maybe some Hawking Radiation. Then Davy said, "Let there be Lamp. I love lamp." And there was lamp.

But there was nowhere for the lamplight to go, so Hilbert created Space, but it was still very hard to see what was going on with everything happening at once, so Hammer invented Time to break it up a bit.

Then Piltdown created Man out of bits of monkey and that. Newton designed a Cradle for him to sleep in. Man got hungry, so St Elmo invented Fire and Forman built the Grill so he could cook some of Darwin's Finches.

Man was lonely on his own, so Pavlov invented Dogs and Schrödinger invented Cats (or did he?) to keep him company. Still, Man was bored so Tarmac *cough* invented the Road for him to travel on and Shanks invented the Pony for him to ride.

After a while, Man came across Woman. She had been trapped in Faraday's Cage by Maxwell's Demons. "Help me!" cried Woman. Man refused, until she performed a Möbius Strip for him. Glimpsing her Pascal's Triangle, Man decided to rescue her, so Damocles invented a Sword for Man to cut the cage open and free Woman.

Meanwhile Ferris was busy inventing the Wheel, so Man attached some wheels to Constable's Haywain with Archimedes' Screws using a Phillips Screwdriver, which had been sitting around useless for the past few paragraphs.

The Öort Clouds were gathering as, crossing Wheatstone's Bridge, they rounded Sierpinski's Curve. Offering Woman a swig from his Klein Bottle, Man asked Woman her name. "Pandora," she replied. "And will you please stop looking down my Cassini Division, my eyes are up here."

"Her Box could do with a trim from Occam's Razor," he thought to himself as he tightened his Van Allen Belt and offered her a cookie from his Leyden Jar.
But she noticed his Nelson's Column and fended him off with Cleopatra's Needle, right in the Elgin Marbles.

Then Stephenson invented a Rocket which they flew to Barnard's Star before Higgs could create a Boson to destroy the Earth. The end.


Mr Farty said...

Damn, I missed a trick with the antithesis of Maxwell's Demons, courtesy of Charlie.

Mr Farty said...

Nothing to see here, just checking if Windows XP can leave a comment.

Liz said...

Very witty. It must have taken you hours to come up with that.

Laurie said...

I always thought Dick Van Dyke invented Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Thanks for clearing that up!

I think Dawson invented Piltdown before one of them invented man.

Schrödinger definitely invented cats. It was just uncertain as to whether they were alive or dead until someone looked at them.

I think Pascal also invented wagering. Or Fortran.

Thanks - I needed a laugh before the all day meeting today. Who invented meetings?

Sewmouse said...

I like this Genesis much better than the original. Better cast, better plot, livelier dialogue and no snakes.

Jelly said...

"And he said let there be lamp. I love lamp"


Oh, and you are fucking fabulous. I even said so on my blog. Just sayin'

Jelly said...

"And he said let there be lamp. I love lamp"


Oh, and you are fucking fabulous. I even said so on my blog. Just sayin'

Will said...

guffaw... mobius strip... lol...

john.g. said...

Bored Mr. Farty?

Mr Farty said...

Liz - Some bits of it have been bouncing around in my head for years.

Laurie - Ah, Dick van Dyke, London's most famous son. *cough*

Sew - Motherfeckin snakes, argh!

Jelly - Glad someone noticed I Love Lamp. You're not bad yourself.

Will - I stole that from an old limerick.

John - How could I be bored with blogs like yours to entertain me?

Cofo said...

While I can't claim to have caught EVERY reference, I can say that this was a very entertaining post.

And now that I know Schrödinger actually invented cats, I've definitely begun to wonder if those furry animals climbing around the house are actually there.

Mr Farty said...

Cofo - If you missed some references, you may like to know that Google has taken advantage of Al Gore's invention. Do come again, if you can be bothered, like.

Welsh Girl said...

I hear they are rethinking the school history syllabus. I imagine your brief history of everything must be the reason! I bow before your greatness...

livesbythewoods said...


I wish I was a science wonk so I could suggest relevant and wise additions, but all I can do is go "Ooh, clever".

Jimmy Bastard said...

Only a fellow Scot could be so on the ball with his witticisms.

Cofo said...

Google is powered by global warming now?

Oh... THAT Al Gore invention. Hm, I'll check it out.

Mr Farty said...

Taffeta - History is what's written down. This explains a lot.

Lucy - I read way too much of them there science books. Pity so little clever rubs off on me.

James - If you want proper Scotch witty, go see Mr H.

Cofo - Maybe I'm thinking of Steve Wosniak or Guy Kawasaki.

apositivepessimist said...

and a happy ending was had by all!

*sigh* I love fairy tails. It's the rest of their bodies that I pull apart and roll up in a doob to smoke.

Luna said...

Oh Mr Farty you do tell such tales..history written that way everyone would have paid attention. who knows maybe 200 years from now someone will come across this and put it in the history books.

the end

yer suck a funny guy !