Build Your Own Stab-o-mizer TM

Have you ever had the misfortune to phone one of those call centres in India and waste several minutes of your life talking to some inarticulate moron on the other end of the line?

Have you ever had the misfortune to work in one of those call centres in India and waste several minutes of your life talking to some inarticulate moron on the other end of the line?

Have you ever felt like stabbing someone, if only you were face to face with the idiotic fucktard instead of several thousand miles away?

Well, now you can stab someone in the face over the internet, thanks to the patented Stab-o-mizer ^TM!

Previously only available to the security services, the Stab-o-mizer ^TM has now been optimized for home use. Cheap, 100% reliable and easily assembled from off-the-shelf components, this handy little device can be operated with no technical knowledge whatsoever!

All you need is the IP or email address of your intended victim, a steady hand and a cast-iron alibi. On second thoughts, scratch the alibi, you won't need it since you'll be thousands of miles away!

You will need:

• USB cable


• Joystick or PS2 control pad


• Webcam


• Servo motor from a Segway


• Hypodermic needle


• Live rabies virus (optional)


• Large roll of gaffer tape


• Soldering iron

Then follow the simple step-by-step instructions in this video tutorial.



Good luck!

<sup>Disclaimer: This tutorial is provided for information purposes only. No claim is made as to the accuracy or authenticity of the content of the tutorial. The author does not accept any liability to any person for the information or advice (or the use of such information or advice) which is provided in this tutorial or incorporated into it by reference. The information in the Stab-o-mizer tutorial is provided on the basis that all persons accessing the tutorial undertake responsibility for assessing the relevance and accuracy of its content.

No kittens were harmed in the making of this tutorial.</sup>

Farty's Friday Chart

Probly before your time if you were born after 1972. British group.

Name That Tune.

None So Deaf

"Nobody is talking about printing money."
- Alistair Darling, Chancellor of the Exchequer.

"The Monetary Policy Committee will need to go the whole hog and cut rates to zero. And once it has done that, it will have to resort to other measures designed to boost the quantity of money in the economy"
- Roger Bootle, Deloitte.

"The only path left is for quantitative easing, where the Bank effectively prints money."
- Stephen Gifford, Grant Thornton.

"It seems ever more likely that the Bank of England will engage in some form of quantitative easing over the coming months."
- Howard Archer, IHS Global Insight.

"Listen carefully and you can almost hear the printing presses being cranked up."
- Stuart Porteous, RBS.

"The MPC will be tempted to follow the US Federal Reserve’s example and pursue quantitative easing.”
- Edward Menashy, Charles Stanley.

You couldn't make it up.

Computer Terms Illustrated #17 - updated

Why am I doing all the work here? Meh. See how many you can work out for yourself - this set all have a common theme. I may have taken a liberty with teh speling.

Updated for people wot don't do pooters except to play Solitaire...

1. I'm casting these before swine, obviously.


2. Merapi Volcano (on the island of...)


3. Oceans 12 (came after Oceans 11, so it must be a ...)


4. Boxers (quote from Monty ... and the Holy Grail)


5. Simpsons' Cat (but without the 'W')


6. Beta Persei (better known to amateur astronomers as ...)


7. I'll thcweam and thcweam until I'm thick!


8. This ... Isle


9. Joe off I'm A Sleb


10. The South China ...


11. As above, but with a bit more "Oomph!"


12. King Tyrant Lizard. Yeah.

John? I would give this one a miss, mate.

News Update

Anyway, 84 unread blog-related emails in my inbox notwithstanding, I've decided to post first, read later. That can be another resolution. What have we got?

Some police drivers have been given a ticking-off for parking in disabled spaces while they spend a penny. Talk about taking the piss. (I'm here all night, folks!)

The same source reports that Canadian boffins have discovered too much thinking can make you fat. This explains Kate Moss but not Eamonn Holmes.

Meanwhile just around the corner from me in Inverleith, Embra, the Norse God of Thunder, Thor, disturbed an intruder in his Valhallah flat (apartment). A couple of well-placed thunderbolts soon saw the ne'er-do-well leaping from a first (second) floor window. I'm not one to point fingers or that, but maybe Lothian and Borders Police should check out Loki's underwear for flash burns.

Lazyitis sufferer Leo Jackson actually turned up this year at Embra Castle for the New Year's celebrations. Despite pleas from hundreds of screaming girls, Jackson insisted on finishing his set before lifting the portcullis to let them out.

And now it turns out that throwing a stick can kill your dog. Depending on the sharpness of the stick and how good your aim is (I kid, I kid). In order not to choke the poor beast, an expert encourages the use of an over-sized article, such as Eamonn Holmes.

Air New Zealand has just completed a two-hour passenger flight powered by vegetable oil, which causes fewer emissions than ethanol. Or in my case, cheese. Ahhhh, Wensleydale!

After a two-year hiatus (wait), Sleb Big Brother is back. I only know this, obviously, because I was passing through the living room on my way to the kitchen and spotted a gorgeous chick nice-looking girl on the telly and asked Mrs F, "Who's that girl?"
Without a moment's hesitation, she replied, "Michelle Heaton."
"What, off Hears'ay?"
"No, Liberty X."
"Same difference ¹. I never would have recognised her." Checks TV listings. "In fact, no wonder. That's Lucy Pinder."
"Who?"
"Exactly. I thought this was Celebrity Big Brother? And WTF is Tommy Fucking Sheridan doing on it?"
"That's not the worst of it," replied Mrs F. "They've got Latoya Jackson in there too. Look! There she is."
"Looks more like Michael Jackson, to tell the truth. Haven't you noticed you never see them together? I wonder..."

And then, joy of joys. "Oh, look at the funny wee man! Hahahahaha! Wait a minute, that's midget porn star Bullet McCoy! Holy crap! He's like, mega-famous! I hope they don't let him near the booze, that's all I'm saying. That Golden Autograph of his is legendary."

There were probly some other hangers-on and Z-listers there, but my night was made.

Bullet McCoy

¹ See what I did there?

Resolutions

Bleargh, what day is it? Friday already? Result!

Well that was an excellent start to the year, so let's see how I can keep up the momentum. I know! I'll think up some New Year's Resolutions. Nobody's ever done that before! *cough*

BOSSY asked for this in Ten Words recently, I forget what day it was, and I guess I may have been a little bit flippant when I said: "Update blogroll. Scan photos into Flicka. Find cure for cancer."

Yeah, like I'm ever going to scan those photos. Did I mention the driver disk for the scanner finally turned up amongst a pile of music CDs? About a few weeks months ago. So yay. That could still happen.

And I updated my blogroll just yesterday. Everybody say hello to Lesley at Um...What?? Three times now I've seen her comments in places and clicked through and thought, "Wow! This is an amazing blog!" So yeah, this time I remembered to blogroll her. Ooh, snap! One of these days I promise to clear out the crap, you know, the links that no longer work because some people have got a life abandoned blogging in favour of sitting in front of the telly.

Talking of telly (tv if you're a Merkan), having been away for both Eckmas and Hogmanay, I now have a mountain of stuff recorded off the boob tube. Some of it's topical, so I'll probly try to watch it over this weekend, but FFS I still haven't seen the Ecksmas Dr Who, so no spoilers please. Although, come to think of it, after forty-odd years I think I can detect a pattern emerging. Let's hazard a guess:

• Having the entire Universe and all of Time to roam in, The Doctor arrives in an exciting new destination, such as Cardiff or London (Cardiff dressed up to save on production costs) in the near future or recent past.


• The Doctor meets a new alien race such as the Daneleks, Sontarans (yawn) or Cybermen. Yeah, I know that much.


• The Doctor decides that the aliens are getting a bit uppity with his favourite race, the humans.


• After a brief struggle, The Doctor uses his sonic screwdriver or similar gadget to utterly destroy the aliens. Again.


• The Doctor declares: "I've learned something today. No, wait, that's South Park."

So, getting a bit predictable. It's not even as if The Doctor can be killed, 'cos he just resurrects into a new body, so you know he'll always triumph. You could argue that if The Doctor was totally killed, it would kind of shorten the series, but look at Taggart. Mark McManus died fifteen years ago in mid-episode and they just kept on filming. Still going now, as far as I know. I don't really know, I've never watched it, but still, hey. If they can lose the central character, so could Dr Who. Yeah.

Where was I? Resolutions. Catch up on some telly. Right.

And save some money towards Little Miss Farty's wedding next year. Thank goodness I bought all those shares in Lehman's, The Officer's Club and Woolworths. They must be worth a fortune by now, right? Right?

Oh yeah. I got a digital photo frame for Ecksmas. I haven't opened the box yet, but if I should inexplicably drop off the interwebs in the next few days, well, it's been good. I really love you guys.

Toot toot!

Farty's Friday Chart

This is getting hard - every time I come up with an idea now, I have to check in The Book to see if I'm subconsciously nicking ideas from it.

Anyway.



Name That Tune.

Happy New Year, btw.