Where Did I Begin?

Here's one for you: what got you started blogging?

For me, it began thusly...

*Ooooh, wavy lines and that. Again.*

I'd certainly heard of blogging - there was a long article about it in New Scientist, describing how it was a liberating experience, and how the Chinese government was suppressing the downtrodden masses even on t'internet by monitoring their every keypress. Grr!

But so what? I'd also read about cold fusion, quantum chromodynamics, string theory and buttered cat antigravity devices. I'd never seriously thought about investigating any of these further...well, maybe that last one.

Time passed.

I thought about an old friend, and wondered what he was up to, if he was still alive. <clickety on the brand new interweb-enabled moby> Oh! That's interesting, he's set up a community radio station and done loads of brill stuff. And here's a mention of him on one of them blog things. Hey, this bloke Peter is quite interesting in his own right. And Peter became my baby blue habit, right from the first time.

Peter had an infestation problem, first with wasps, then with mice. The former was sorted with a visit from pest control, the latter with a rescued cat whom he christened zoe. Zoe even had her own blog for a while. I discovered comments, then figured out how to post one. My first one was really dumb, and no, I can't remember what it said.

And finally I figgered out how to click through - still on the moby - to other commenters' blogs.

O.M.G.

I found Andre, and Anna, and Anxious - no, not because I was going through his links alphabetically, the next one was Zoe (not the cat, the one whose boyfriend is a twat).

This was running up a small fortune in phone bills, and it would, of course, be unthinkable to steal electrons from my employer *cough* so I was delighted when Mrs Farty bought me a pooter as an early birthday prezzie. (I'd had an aging Amiga before that, but it couldn't keep up, poor thing.) I stalked Non-Working Monkey for a while, reading all her posts from day 1. She is a star.

But eventually, I became tired of reading what other people had to say; I wanted to make a statement of my own. And people were getting fed up of me posting stupid comments in their boxes (not that I've ever stopped doing that).

So I did the <clicky> thing and got me a blog. I was going to go for "Better Out Than In", but some cockmonkey had already taken that. And apparently then chose not to use it. Grr! So I came oot in Scotch garb. Learned myself interweb from this really useful site and pimped my blog. And announced my presence to the world via Zoe (still not the cat), on the same day that she had her one millionth visitor.

I've posted things in here that I wouldn't dare tell my nearest and dearest, but mostly it's just random nonsense. I've made lots of imaginary friends - everyone on my blogroll, except Peter, is there because they left a comment somewhere - and I've read some really disturbing stories. It beats the pants off anything I've seen on the telly.

Oh, the old friend? I bumped into him last year. Yep, still alive. His radio station is still broadcasting too, but it's so local that I can't receive it on this side of the city. Sigh.

If you've not dozed off yet, why not write a post about what got you blogging? Leave a comment below and I might even stalk visit you.

Merkan-English Dictionary #7

An ongoing attempt to educate them darned Merkans about proper English and that.

• Jello/Jelly - Jell-O^TM is a light and fruity gelatin dessert made from powdered gelatin. Jelly, by contrast, is a nitroglycerine-based explosive used in the mining industry. Anyone who gets these two items confused, fully deserves what happens to their kitchen.


• Brazilian - Despite what Dubya may think, a Brazilian is in fact a native of the South American country, Brazil. Or possibly some kind of wax, but I wouldn't know about that. Ew!


• Radge Wee Midden - When Christina Aguilera hosted the MTV Europe Music Video Awards in Embra in 2003, she confided to about a milliard viewers that a local lad had called her a "radge wee midden", and she chose to take this as a compliment. Bless her cotton knickers.
  "Radge" is more commonly used as a noun than an adjective, but essentially means an outrageous or crazy person.
  "Wee" is a Nintendo^TM games console Scotch word meaning small.
  A "midden" is, er, a place where one disposes of unwanted household refuse.
  So Christina told the world that she is a mental little heap of crap.


• Ming/Minger - Sewmouse tells me that she has decided to "ming up her blog". What an ancient Chinese dynasty has got to do with keeping an online diary beats the hell out of me...
  A minger, OTOH, is an unpleasant or unattractive person. Like Jade Goody or Shilpa Shetty. Take your pick.


• Facial - A deep-cleansing treatment of the face neck and shoulders, obviously. And not in any way related to unsavoury activities such as this one described by Tired Dad.


• Paris Hilton - On this side of the Pond, probly best described as an overpriced fabrication from that foreign country where nobody speaks English, a tacky imitation of Basildon Travelodge, associated with low-quality tv porn, entered by thousands of men, hangs out with Nicole Ritchie - Snap!

In Space, No-one Can Spill Your Drink

Space, says Douglas Adams, is big. And dangerous. Full of aliens with blaster guns and huge, gaping, slavering maws, if you believe half of the tosh being churned out at the pictures. This is why it's so terribly important to ensure we're sending the right stuff to explore it.

When you're training to be an astronaut, they prepare you for space travel by hurling you around and around in a huge centrifuge to simulate the high G-forces of liftoff. Or so they say.

Then there's that gizmo what Leonardo da Vinci invented (click to enlarge, ladies) to spin you this way and that, allegedly to see how your body reacts to the disorientation of not knowing which way is 'up'.

And finally there's the so-called Vomit Comet. The clue is in the name. This wonderful piece of low technology allows potential astronauts to actually experience zero gravity, even if only for a few seconds at a time. Stephen Hawking swears by it.

What this means in practice is that, once they're spaceborne, our brave ambassadors to the cosmos should be completely inured against losing the contents of their stomachs after getting totally blootered on Buckie¹.

By this point, you may be wondering why a human space traveller would need to be off his (or indeed her) tits in the first place?

Why, to be ready to make first contact with an alien race, of course!



¹ Intoxicated after imbibing a popular brand of tonic wine.

Big Blogger 2007

Cat from Scotchland has made it into the final of Big Blogger. Yayyy!

But she needs your help to win. As she says:

A plea.

I have made it to the final three in Big Blogger. I am rather proud of myself. And perhaps more than a little bit of a saddo. On Monday night, the winner will be crowned. Then it will all be over and I'll shut up about it. So, I'm counting on you to get over there and vote for me. Every single day. On every PC to you pass.

And if you really love me, it would be splendid if you'd encourage your readers to vote for me too.

Please.

You know what to do.

But in case you don't, Click Here, then vote for Cat to win.

btw, on that other BB, when I heard that Charley and Tracey were up for eviction, I naturally thought Charley was the bloke and Tracey was the bird, not the other way round.

Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

So I finally pluck up the courage bite the bullet can't stand the toothache for a moment longer and pay a long-overdue visit to the dentist. The usual geezer must have either retired or gone private, because in his place is a beautiful young Polish girl called Tanya or something.

Any road up, Vanya has a good root around amongst my bicuspids and that before telling me to "reense", then asking, "You vant me to pull eet for you?"

I almost choke on my mouthwash. "Pardon?"

"Your premolar, eet ees rotten. Do you vant me to pull eet now or vait for eet to fall out by eetself?"

"Er, is there nothing you can do to save eet? It, I mean. Save it. Please?"

"Vell..." Her flashing blue eyes glaze over momentarily, as if her mind has been transported to another world. "I suppose ve could try a root canal treatment. Do you vant to go private or NHS?"

"What's the difference?"

"About seeks months."

I sigh, close my eyes, lie back and think of Scotchland. Irina checks off my remaining teeth, muttering under her breath and giggling. "Amalgam, Uncle Vlad; MOD, Aunt Margaritte; composite, Cousin Monica; scale and Polish, seester Gabriella; meessing, pity; root feelling, feerst class upgrades..." Finally, she glances up and those ice-blue eyes pierce my very soul. "I vant to see you again."

Cool. "Transformers is on tonight at the Odeon. Shall we call it a date?"

"I don't theenk my husband vould approve." She produces a syringe the size of a pepperpot.

"Now open vide, thees may hurt a beet."

If You Can't Beat 'Em

"You will adapt."

As that Borg off Star Trek said.

Is this a bunny or a duckling?

Gone Phishin'

I've had an Important Message from my bank. Apparently Online Access To My Account Has Been Suspended and I need to update my personal records to regain access. How remiss of them to lose my account details in the first place, but how kind of them to use my blogger id to get in touch with me.¹

MrFarty@BlueYonder.co.uk

Dear Lloyds Tsb Customer, 2007 Update

Due to concerns, for the safety and integrity of the lloyds tsb account we have issued this warning message.

It has come to our attention that your Lloyds tsb account information needs to be updated as part of our continuing commitment to protect your account in this year 2007 and to reduce the instance of fraud on our website. If you could please take 5-10 minutes out of your online experience and update your personal records you will not run into any future problems with the online service.

Once you have updated your account records your lloydstsb account service will not be interrupted and will continue as normal.

To update your lloyds tsb records click on the following link:
http://www.scamsrus.com/justhandusyouraccountdetails/ayeright/htm

Thank You.



Call me suspicious, but:

• It's not Lloyds TsB, it's Lloyds TSB

I work for a major financial institution, you notice little things like that.

• I don't hold an account in the name of Mr Farty


• Come to think of it, I don't hold an account with Lloyds TSB


• The link claims to point to http://www.lloydstsb.com/ but by clicking on file/properties/details/message source, I see that it actually points at samsungseriez dot com


• I wasn't born yesterday

Nice try.

¹ Must stop copying BOSSY's style, it's giving me a headache.