Farty's Fortunes

Tuesday, 4 December 2007

In No Particular Order...

Donald Trump has had his plans to build a golf course in the middle of a Site of Special Scientific Interest turned down by a democratic council meeting, so he's given them thirty days to reconsider their decision.
Donald? Hello? Over here? Hi. Now. What part of "Fuck Off" did you not understand the first time?

Back at the dentist this week for some more root canal treatment. When Tanya took my hand and asked me to "Kom vith me", I thought my luck was in. Especially when she led me into a small room and bolted the door shut. Just the two of us, how cozy!
But what she slipped into my mouth wasn't her tongue after all, just an X-ray plate. Boo!

I once had a Polish French teacher called Tanya Smölka. God, she was hot! Even though I was only thirteen, I could tell she fancied me.
So did my French Polish teacher, Brian the woodwork master. But that's another story.

How do you get rid of dullards?
We've been befriended by the most boring people on the planet. A typical scenario - phone rings. "Hi, we've been out shopping at IKEA, is it ok if we pop in?" Um, ok. I put the kettle on. Before it has even come to the boil, they are at the door. IKEA is five miles away and they live beyond that.
He's ok, he just goes through to the bedroom to play computer games with my eleven-year-old grandson and his chum.
But Mrs Dishwater? To paraphrase Douglas Adams, she could talk all eight legs off a tarantula and it would still try to drag itself away and hide. I don't know exactly what she talks about, I can never stay awake long enough. Mrs Farty has to give me a poke to wake me as they leave.
Perhaps we could feign death?

Santa yesterdayElf and Safety. Killjoys in Alnwick District Council have banned Santa from driving his sleigh around Northumberland in case, breaking a thirty-year tradition, he falls off and hurts himself.

I thought I was seeing things when out shopping at the weekend, but no. There is indeed such a thing as a Snow Calendar. Just the thing to brighten up a summer's day, er...no, wait.

And finally...this, from memory, from a spoof lonely hearts ad long ago.
Let us hold hands, take flight and soar on the fiercest winds. Let us race each other to the ends of the earth and back. Let us explore the deepest caverns, go diving into ancient shipwrecks, climb the highest mountains and exalt in our power over nature. Let us share our deepest, darkest, most intimate secrets.

You first.


Alex said...

Snow calendar? How weird.

The health and safety thing winds me up. So much. But it's not the H & S freaks' fault, it's the tw@s who sue them.

The Christmas Carol about santa suing Alnwick District Council is one of my favourites, I have to be truthful...

Manuel said...

The trampy Trump is now said to be sniffing round Ireland looking for lovely places to destroy for ever. Watch the assembly bend over to give him a special welcome.......

Misssy M said...

Bizarrely, a load of Aberdonians are up in arms that our council didn't say yes to Trump. Including the media. Personally I think we did the right thing. That beach does actually look that amazing.

Still if he wants to flatten the Giant's Causeway and build a hotel then let him try that one.

Manuel said...

don't joke, he'll do it......

Sewmouse said...

The Donald is NOT a Merkan.

He is an evil android with a bad toupee from somewhere south west of Alpha Centauri.

Z said...

Alex Salmond has trumped the councillors and intends to let it through, doesn't he?

Cat said...

I have the dentist tomorrow. I am praying for a clean bill of health. I can't afford to lose any more teeth! (And literally can't afford any more costly dental treatment...)

Mr Farty said...

Alex - Welcome and that. It's the inexorable march of American litigiousness(sp?), I tells ya.

Manuel - Don't you just wish he would do a Robert Maxwell and go for a long swim? I'd be willing to hold him under...

Misssy - I know, I know, I've been to Aberdeen and that.

Manuel again - Can't you set the leprechauns on him?

Sew - It must be terrible being a Merkan with a conscience. "Sorry for Dubya, sorry for Donald, sorry for Iraq, sorry for the Boston Tea Party..."
Well, maybe not that last one.

Z - I missed the pun the first time I read that. v.g.

Yep, this is too important a decision to be left the people it's going to affect the most. Still, all we need to do is stall for time, tie it up in a judicial review, then a public enquiry. Sooner or later he'll give up and piss off back where he came from.
No offence, Sew.

Cat - I'm going back tomorrow too. Can't get me enough of that sweet Eastern European accent.

Marie said...

At least you aren't related to those people. I think I might be.

Mr Farty said...

Marie - Oh, hello! Do you mean the Dulls? I think I will be.