Farty's Fortunes

Wednesday, 12 December 2007

Ecksmas Is Coming

Classic. Police are offering a £20,000 ($30,000) reward for the return of the missing Child Benefit CDs. "Police have appealed to workers at HMRC, the Treasury, and the National Audit Office to search for the CDs and have set up a confidential phone line for their return." That'll make a nice Xmas prezzie for someone. Will anyone wishing to claim the reward please form an orderly queue?
An image of Lorraine Kelly dressed as Santa has leapt unbidden into my head. <clickety> Well, how about that? I need to practice with skin shading, innit?

Just when I thought my illusions had been shattered, everything is good again. I had always wondered how they got that 40-foot spruce tree into Jenners department store. Do they remove part of the roof and drop it in with a crane? "No," said Mrs Farty, "they take it in through the front door in sections and assemble it." Gasp! You mean it's - sob! - artificial?

Not any more. In a wonderful "back-to-basics" move, they've reinstated the traditional real tree and damn the pine needles! Hurrah!

Oh. They take off the shop's front doors.

This is not the time of year when you want things to start breaking down, but we've just had the "three things in a row" run of bad luck. First the DVD player turned into a doorstop, which was easy enough to replace, but then Mrs Farty's super-dooper steam iron broke down after only two years, i.e. one year past the warranty. It would cost more to send it off for inspection and repair than it did to buy, so we now have a new one with extended warranty.

And finally, we woke up on Monday morning to a flooded kitchen. The dishwasher, which we usually switch on last thing at night, had managed to burst a pipe. So for the past couple of days we've been washing dishes the old-fashioned way.
I sure hope it gets fixed soon, 'cos taking the dishes down to the river to bash them with rocks doesn't seem to work as well as I remembered. At this rate, we'll have no plates left to serve up Ecksmas dinner.


Misssy M said...

Our tumble dryer has packed in. Sheesh!

And... blowing on clothes doesn't help dry them.

And... wee men in dungarees that come round and do little handyman jobs for a tenner don't exist.

And... my sheets froze yesterday when I hung them outside after I'd googled how to.

I hope it doesn't come down to double day pants ( one day right way, one day outside in) just like wartime.

Honey said...

bad luck on the white goods etc. we had a hoover disaster perhaps it's the season for folly. Someone told be there was a spoof selling of those CD's on ebay, mind you there was also a spoof selling od Belgium which got up to at least 100000 dollars before the government (what government) had it retracted..

john.g. said...

Why not use paper plates, they wont need washing?

Jahooni said...

fake trees... well one thing i can say is this. our real tree is already dead! How sucky is this?

as for bad luck. Is there really such a thing as GOOD LUCK?! Isn't the saying 'If it's not one thing than it's another!"

Mr Farty said...

Misssy - We have a wee handyman in dungarees, but it's a long time since he charged just a tenner.

Double day pants...I told Mrs Farty I liked black underwear, so she stopped washing mine!

Honey - I cannot believe anyone would do that - offer 100000 dollars for Belgium.

John - Too sensible.

J - Your tree is dead the moment they cut it down.

Good luck: didn't I mention Little Miss Farty is engaged? Yayyyyyyyyyyy!

Alex said...

That's a lot of money for Belgium. It probably won't exist in a few years time, so it's all good :).

Unlucky on the dishwasher. I'm in the fortunate position where I find manually washing stuff quite theraputic. And I'm male. Weird eh?

Ricardipus said...

Something edible. Like bananas. Or maybe a starfruit, that would be very xmasy. Or, um, er... a dragon fruit? Very exotic and spiny, lots of visual appeal, a bit questionable for xmas content though.

Oh, the above comment is about what you should decorate your tree with, just in case that wasn't obvious.

P.S. Hello!

Sewmouse said...

THis is a Scotchland Ecksmas Tree
It needs tape. Cello Tape.

Sewmouse said...

And the haggis.

Marie said...

Why don't they just donate the reward to the charity and have done with it?

If anything were to happen to my KitchenAid mixer I would have to cry in my beer. I've already lost a toaster and a coffeemaker this year.

rivergirlie said...

if mrs farty did as i do, and basically only used the iron as a paperweight, it would probably last much longer. just a suggestion

Mr Farty said...

Alex - Belgium drowned - I knew there was an upside to global warming!

R'Pus - Dragon fruit? Meh. Ok. Hi.

And welcome to The All-New 21st Century blah blah blah. wtf?

Sew - Is Cello Tape for mending musical instruments?

And have you ever tried to catch a haggis?

Memarie - I've just got a little cafetiere, maybe Santa will put me on the wrong list this year?

Girlie - You're a girl after my old mum's heart. "You want your clothes pressed? What do you think you've been sitting on for the past half-hour?"

Cat said...

Ironing is distinctly over-rated. I tend to hang things like dresses and tops on coathangers in the bathroom so they don't need done, and a lot of stuff just needs a shake after it comes out of the tumbler. I would, however, kill for a dishwasher.

rilly super said...

Mr farty, I am authoritively, authorotos, reliably advised that the Jenners tree is much faster than the stairs if you want to get down from luggage to menswear during the new year sales.

anyway, shopping at jenners, owning a dishwasher, I like you more and more every time I visit, you dark horse..

Mr Farty said...

Cat - Thank fook the dishwasher is fixed! Ner-ne-ner-ner, etc.

Rilly - True, but Mrs Farty tells me those pine needles get everywhere.