Farty's Fortunes

Sunday, 1 August 2010

X Factor Winner Joe McElderry Comes Out As Geordie

Gay singing sensation Joe McElderry has left the showbiz world stunned with the shock revelation that he is a Geordie.

"Why, man," said Joe yesterday, "it's never reely occurred to me befoah, like, but I were just thinking aboot it when I were standing in G.A.Y. with me boyfriend supping a pint of Newky Brown. I heupe it doesn't affect me relationship with me fans, y'knaa."

Until now, Joe has steadfastly denied being a Geordie, claiming that he was born in Outer Mongolia, "Where everyone smoke tabs aal the time, man pet man." But after his Twitter account was hacked by pranksters, he was forced to come clean. He said that he found his decision to come out "reet liberating, like" and that he could now "be Northern".

He revealed he once went out without a coat before going on the X Factor but says he never thought more about it until recently.

The 19-year-old X Factor winner came out just a week after telling his mentor, Cheryl Cole. "Why, I were gutted, at forst, like," admitted the former Girls Aloud member. "I felt betrayed and humiliated, like when wor fans found oot tha' Nadine were the only one in our group who could actually sing live. The bitch."

Fans of the gurning teenager have expressed their full support. 16-year-old Tracy Sherman of Chelmsford explained, "When you've heard some of the godawful shit coming out of the mouths of the other X Factor finalists, a Geordie accent is the least of your worries. After all, it's not as if he's Scottish. Er, he's not, is he?"

Leading X Factor judge Simon Cowell said, "I'm going to be honest. I'll do absolutely anything to get a new record to the top of the charts, but having to back another fucking Northerner makes me sick in my mouth." This slip of the tongue has led to frenzied speculation about which of Cowell's other protégées may have been from the Newcastle area. So far, Fleet Street's finest have drawn a complete blank.

Joe's debut album is due to be released this October, after which everyone will promptly forget he ever existed.


john.g. said...

Brilliant! But what is the X-Factor?

Mr Farty said...

John - I think the X stands for excrement.

I sent this article in to Newsarse and they used it, so I'm now a published author. Sort of. Yay me!

john.g. said...


Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

I've heard Stephen Fry is actually from Whitley Bay.

Mr Farty said...

Daffers - Aye, right, and I suppose Ian Hislop is Welsh!