Farty's Fortunes

Wednesday, 18 August 2010

Outrage Over Health Claims For Water

A glass of water yesterdayMedical professionals were outraged today over claims that water might be "good for you".

In an article posted last week on the highly-regarded medical journal The Internet, it was claimed that the chemical compound H2O, commonly known as "water", could confer miraculous health benefits, including thirst relief, moisturising and even a reduction in the amount of skin bacteria.

"I'm outraged," said Dr. Malik Singh of Harley Street, London. "These claims are totally spurious and unsupported by any big-pharma financed, long-term, double-blind, highly lucrative clinical trial. This substance must be regarded as potentially dangerous until proper doctors have been paid a fortune to conduct and publish a peer-reviewed study that no-one will bother to read."

The author of the article, Joe Mumble, was unrepentant, claiming that H2O was perfectly safe when diluted repeatedly with itself to the point where less than one molecule of the original substance remained per litre of water. "Furthermore, when just one glass of this is taken with a handful of antiviral drugs, it can definitely help reduce the symptoms of both HIV and AIDS. On its own, not so much."

An NHS administrator who wished to remain anonymous explained, "While this substance has admittedly been in use in NHS hospitals for decades, its primary function has always been seen as an industrial solvent. It's also used in small, carefully-controlled quantities as a sterilizing agent for surgical instruments, but our clinicians are always very careful to remove all traces of it with a greasy cloth before use in the theatre. I certainly wouldn't recommend drinking the stuff, I'd rather pour raw bleach down my throat."

12 comments:

TwistedScottishBastard said...

This is so unfair.
Water is a perfectly safe material as long as it is safely diluted with a good Malt, like Laphroig. I've used it in this way for many years, and have never suffered any ill effects.

Mr Farty said...

TSB - Welcome to my blog, sorry it's a bit sparse lately. As for malt, cannae stand the stuff. Think I'll stick to Kia Ora.

耿麗旺麗旺麗旺綺 said...

傻氣的人喜歡給心 雖然每次都被笑了卻得到了別人的心..................................................................

TwistedScottishBastard said...

I don't know what that last comment meant. Strange that my wife, who is Chinese, says the Chinese characters shown are a "load of crap". No Chinese would wite like that. I suspect that someone has enterd an English phrase into Babelfish or Google translate.
BTW, sorry if my blog has become unviewable, truy again inabout an hour, I've been having a little trouble.

john.g. said...

Mr. F, water is perfectly when combined with other ingredients to produce beer!

Mr Farty said...

TSB - Maybe it's aliens.

John - I hate beer too. Got any cider?

TwistedScottishBastard said...

"TSB - Maybe it's aliens."
What?
The single malt or the trouble with my blog.

If you honestly think that Malt whisky was invented by aliens, then I think you need help, or as my Grannie used to say,
"Awa' an' bile yer heid"

if you think that aliens are effecting my blog, then maybe, though I suspect some foul-mouthed and small-minded eejit has been posting obscene comments under a nom-de-plume similar if not identical to a well-known commentator on my blog.

gg said...

困難的不在於新概念,而在於逃避舊有的概念。......................................................................

TwistedScottishBastard said...

"Think I'll stick to Kia Ora."

BTW Did you know that in New Zealand, the trasditional orange flavoured drink found only in Cineams, called Kia Ora actually means "How's it goin" in Maori?

Mr Farty said...

GG - I'm on to you now, you damned alien!

TSB - I checked out your blog before I made the Kia Ora comment. I have friends and family on both islands ;-)

黃英吳思潔吳思潔邦 said...

你不能決定生命的長度,但你可以控制它的寬度..................................................

TwistedScottishBastard said...

" I have friends and family on both islands ;-)"

Awesome Bro.


GG: Possibly, but to succeed, one has to actually have a life