So Near Yet So Far

A short while ago, I submitted an article to top news site NewsArse. Sadly, it was crap they didn't have room to publish it, but I received this very encouraging rejection slip from Newsarse Sumissions [sic]. Hey, it's just like a real newspaper!

Hello everyone,

You are receiving this email after perviously [sic] submitting an article for consideration at Newsarse.com.

First of all, thank you for sending them in. I do read every single submission (the number of which stands at just over 300, and growing daily - so my apologies if you do not get a personal response).

Of those 300 or so submissions I have used 31 to date, some of which have been credited on the site, while others have specifically requested no mention of their name. This will give you some idea of the proportion of stories used, so please don't lose heart if I haven't used one of yours.

My reason for writing to you is to offer encouragement, as I see lots of genuinely funny material, but sometimes it's just not quite 'right' for NewsArse. So, I thought it might be helpful to offer some feedback on the specifics of what I'm looking for.

1. Topicality always takes precedence. If your article is about a well-known current news story, it has a much better chance of being used.
2. If you have an idea for a topical story, but not the time to write it up, send it in anyway. I will pass it on to a writer and you will still receive a credit if it's used.
3. Make it funny. This sounds a bit obvious, no? But think about who the target of the joke is. NewsArse is about satirising current affairs, so focus on the 'target' in your take on events. Who are you poking fun of [sic]? If something strikes you as ridiculous, ask yourself why? After reading your story, it should be blatantly obvious who the butt of the joke is.
3. It should read like a genuine news story. A good headline with a clear indication of the joke helps enormously. The first paragraph should outline the story and potentially the joke itself. Use as many fake quotes as you can. If you are looking for style guidance then look at existing NewsArse stories, or even the news.bbc.co.uk site. There is a reason I mimic their style - they do it best.
4. 200-250 words is a guideline. We've used articles as short as 170, and as long as 500. But if you're going to deviate from that 250-word guideline, it had better be good!
5. Include your preferred method of credit. Do you want me to link back to somewhere on the Internet? Use a different name? It saves me time chasing you if it's in the article already.

And now a little word on advertising. There are a couple of advertisers monitoring our traffic at the moment as they consider placing paying adverts in the next month or so. At that time I will be in a position to share any revenue earned with the authors whose material I use. Do not get too excited, as this is likely to very
small amounts at first, possibly even pennies. However, I am already able to track how many times a post is read, so it will be easy to share this information with you, the authors. Exact payment methods will be defined once the advertisers are in place, though their interest is obviously based on the continued growth of the site. In short, the more visitors the sites get, the more chance of you being
paid for a submission. So please tell all your friends about the site!

In short, keep the stories coming in and take note of the feedback above. I would dearly love to use more of your material.

Kind regards,

The Editor
http://newsarse.com
Treating all news like ARSE.

PS - Feel free to use this address for submissions from now on rather than the form on the site. The form was used to stop spam emails, and none of you have offered to sell me V1agra so far...