Farty's Fortunes

Sunday, 17 May 2009

The Hymen Manoeuvre

So. Just another quiet weekend at Farty Towers. Up at 7:30 on Saturday morning for a pee. Dither over whether to stay up. For about a nanosecond. Wake up again at 9:30, that's more like it. Make bacon sandwiches. You get the idea.

Blah blah blah Britain's Got Talent crap except for that little black girl blah blah.

Blah blah blah Eurovision. Denmark's attempt to clone Ronan Keating - creepy; Germany using a stripper to boost their vote - FAIL. Russia - as host, superb production values; their own entry - not so much. France - completely forgettable1. Spain sitting there all alone on nul points until neighbouring Andorra took pity and gave them twelve. Nope, not political at. all. UK could have done better if Andrew Lloyd Webber had stayed off stage.

Lloyd Webber

And well done to Alistair Darling's love-child on pulling it off for Norway.

Alistair Darling

Love Child

Anyway. Today. I've made roast chicken, parsnips, boiled potatoes, carrots, sweetcorn and gravy, nothing fancy. Mrs F compliments me on my cooking. Little Miss F has just gone outside for some fresh air. Drummer Boy 2 goes to check up on her, then comes running back inside.

"What?" asks Mrs F, "tell me what's wrong!"

Not a word comes from him, although his face has gone a funny colour.

LMF comes running in behind him, all in a panic. By this time he's bending over, facing away from us and pointing to his back. Mrs F realises what's wrong and thumps him on the back. "Has that cleared it?" He shakes his head.

This is where Mr Farty steps up to the mark, puts his nose to the grindstone and leaps into action. I ♥ mixing metaphors. Read this bit from the bottom up.


Step up behind. Hug below ribcage. Squeeze. Hard. Again. Take a bow.

So yeah, I just totally saved someone's life. Fuck me.

Having choked up the piece of chicken that was stuck in his throat, he then showed his Scotch credentials and asked for ice cream.

"Christ, how can you be thinking about pudding at a time like this?" I asked.

"Naw, it's for my sore throat," he croaked. "That bit chicken scratched it on the way up."

So Mrs F called NHS 24 and told them all about our little drama, including me giving DB the Hymen Manoeuvre to dislodge the chicken. "What? Oh, Heimlich. Right." And they asked him to drop in for a checkup.

Anyway, he's just been to A&E3 to get it checked out and they say he'll be fine. Just so long as he remembers to chew before swallowing.

1 No, really. I don't remember the French song. Was it any good?
2 I've decided to call him this at least until he marries my daughter. It's shorter than Potential Second Son-In-Law.
3 ER


Lesley said...

Holy CRAP. As if you weren't heroic enough already in my book. Now you are like...Super Farty!

It's scary how quickly life can suddenly – in this case ALMOST – go wrong. I'm glad we can all breathe a sigh of relief!!!


Hymen Manouevre. Heh.

Will said...

you just have to love family sundays...

Will said...

ps - i tweeted this... you can thank me later... make sure and do it in a brogue...

Mr Farty said...

Lesley - Scary in retrospect, I didn't have time when it happened, I was too busy looking up Wikipedia to see what to do!

Will - Never a dull moment, eh?

Will again - THANKS!

Will said...

Not quite the brogue I was looking for, but I shan't look a gift horse in the mouth. :-)

Laurie said...

YIKES!!! I bet you legs went all jelly-like after that! Congrats on saving a life.

I had to do that on my son when he was about three. He was sitting next to my mother eating, and then stopped breathing and just looked up at me with big eyes. I said, "can you breathe?" He shook his head. I came around the table, gave him the "kiddie" Heimlich, the food popped out, I continued around the table and sat down just as my legs turned to jelly and gave out. My mother hadn't had time to even move. William just picked up the next bite of food and continued eating - much like your Drummer Boy. He is 1/8th Scotch, after all.

Anonymous said...

You know, I read your tweet and was kinda wondering what was going on...

I think Super Farty suits you. Awesome.

Unknown said...

A Super-Duper Farty!

Cat said...

I once saw this happen at a conference dinner. Quite frightening. Well done you for the quick thinking.

(Little IT problem at my place for you if you fancy a look?)

Z said...

Gosh, you are a hero. Thought you always have been in my eyes, at any rate.

Mr Farty said...

Laurie - Kids are very resilient, innit?

Jelly - I can see I'll have to get a superhero t-shirt made up.

John - I still can't believe it happened. Oh. Mrs F just kissed me on the top of my head. It happened.

Cat - I can promise no thinking was involved.

(I don't know nothing about IT.)

Z - *blushes*

#Debi said...

Yes, I'm fairly certain that the Hymen Manouevre is something altogether different.

Good on you for choosing the right one! Well done!

Sewmouse said...

Read the twitters and thought you were joking.

Glad everything "came out all right".

If you get a Super shirt, you will need a cape.

Mr Farty said...

#Debi - I bet the NHS lady and her friends had a good laugh at that one!

Sew - Oh, what's the expression? Ah, yes: Better Oot Than In.Super shirt, cape...would a mask be OTT?

josetteplank.com said...

Holy crapola! You're a flippin' hero! Never a dull moment there, for sure!

Huh -The Heimlich Maneuver? Who would thunk it. ;-)

The two times I've personally seen people choking, it was both children and it was both times on mozzarella sticks. The stringy cheese glooped-up in their throats. The moms each flipped the kids completely upside-down and started wailing on their backs till the cheese slithered out. It was terrifying to watch.

However, my friend saved another friend with the Heimlich when an errant piece of steak went down the wrong pipe.

I'd think it would be good to know both, so there. And am SO not a liar, Mr. Stinkypants. ;-)

josetteplank.com said...

Oh wait! I see you were calling *yourself* a liar in that Tweet to me, not me. My apologies!

Mr Farty said...

Jozet - If the patient survives, the treatment was correct. Of course you're not a liar.

Everybody else - go and read Jozet's blog, she is pure dead brilliant. Especially Creek Glass.

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