Just You Wait And See

So yesterday Norman Wisdom passed away, age 95. Apparently his mental health had been failing for some time, and this was suitably reflected in a number of tributes wrongly attributing him as co-writer of There'll Be Bluebirds Over The White Cliffs of Dover. To be fair, that is what his Wikipedia entry said at the time the lazy journalists looked it up, but to be harsh, they shouldn't believe everything they read on the internets.

For those of you not familiar with Twitter, what's it like in the Stone Age? here are some more Norman Wisdom "facts".


rpcompaneros
#NormanWisdomFacts Norman Wisdom invented toothpaste
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Mr Farty
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman played Gort in the original movie The Day The Earth Stood Still. His visor was operated by a trained gerbil.
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TheCockOfJesus
#NormanWisdomFacts He thought Albania was an affliction affecting hair colour and eye sight.
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TheConnArtist
#NormanWisdomFacts He thought Albania was a shithole.
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rpcompaneros
#NormanWisdomFacts Wisdom once climbed Everest, Mount Fuji and Ben Nevis. This was collectively known as the Norman Conquests
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Mr_Neurosceptic
#NormanWisdomFacts Norman's brother Saxon wasn't famous for anything. He did try to invent waterproof cardigans for cats. They failed.
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RANTINGMALE
#normanwisdomfacts he used the alias of big_norm and won the 2008 UK online poker championship, but gave his purse to a squirrel sanctuary
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BertSwattermain
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman was 6'3", but he insisted on hiring basketball teams as his entourage.
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rantyman
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman was runner up in the 1937 series of X-Factor, losing out to a troupe of Morris Dancing gerbils
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Mr_McChin
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman founded Lidl as he was sick of paying full price for Bratwurst.
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BertSwattermain
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman was the stunt co-ordinator for the PG Tips chimp adverts.
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BertSwattermain
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman was the recently fired drummer in Lordi. It broke his heart and he never recovered.
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Rantyman
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman's famous cap was woven from the carefully collected pubic hairs of his wife
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MrFarty
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman Wisdom invented cheese.
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Mr_McChin
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman was the only man to successfully scale Jo Brand.
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Mr_McChin
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman was known to his mates as 'old green bollock'.
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MrFarty
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman Wisdom won the 1982 Nobel Prize for ending the war between ghosts and zombies.
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Mr_Neurosceptic
#normanwisdomfacts "The Sandwich Man" is the only film available on DVD in North Korea.
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Mr_Neurosceptic
#normanwisdomfacts Norman Wisdom had three ribs removed so he could suck his own Y-fronts.
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Mr_Neurosceptic
#normanwisdomfacts Norman Wisdom turned down the role of Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver because he only had a license to drive a lawnmower.
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Mr_Neurosceptic
#normanwisdomfacts Zookeepers used to show chimpanzees Norman Wisdom films to stop them biting their toenails.

You're really not missing much.

Grampa

I don't really remember Granny Ethel, except that at one point she was alive and at another, Grampa lived alone. There must have been a funeral and such, but either I wasn't invited or it's all blurred into insignificance.

Most of my memories of Grampa come in drips and draps, but what I do remember clearly is that whenever we visited him out in the colonies, Grampa always served us kids lime cordial and soda water from an old glass siphon as a special treat. It tasted terribly bitter but it made us feel very privileged to be waited upon like that, so we always drank it all up. I don't recall if we were ever allowed to operate the trigger on the siphon ourselves, but somehow I doubt it.

Grampa had red hair, combed back from his forehead - which, now I come to think of it, is how I wear mine, including the ever-increasing bald patch, but so far free of liver spots. I think I have Grampa to thank for my little-remaining-hair-not-turning-grey genes.

Of course the one, truly lasting memory was of the fucking enormous tigerskin rug sprawled across the floorboards in his living room. It had a fearsome snarl permanently frozen on its face, and its staring glass eyes had us absolutely terrified. Grampa would smile and pat it on the head reassuringly, but I was too scared of those long, sharp teeth.

If there were any bullet holes in it, you'd think I'd remember that, right? Nope. I guess he must have strangled it to death with his bare hands then. Grampas are awesome like that.

I'm reminded of Grampa every time I look at my mouse mat, for some reason.

Another Highland Wedding

So if you've been following me on Twitter - and if not, why not? - you'll know that I've been up to Grantown-on-Spey for a wedding at the weekend. A jolly good time was had by all, although I didn't get to take quite as many photos as last year. And somehow totally failed to get a single one of my grand-daughter, despite her being a flower girl, le sigh.

The bride, groom and some parents at Abernethy Church. Now I want a biscuit.

Flower girls always look lovely, don't you think? Even when they're up to mischief.

Cutting the cake. Mmmm, cake. This one was baked by the groom's gran (see top photo) and cost over £200 to make, most of which went on booze. Must remember to ask for the recipe.

There's no point trying to get them to pose, so why not do the opposite and catch them in their natural state?

We're married now and there's nothing you can do about it!

I think she's just spotted the car. Ooer.

Already planning her own wedding. It'll be a blast!

Feeling the Heat

The fine city of Edinburgh hasn't always been the pristine jewel in Scotchland's crown that you see today. Situated slap bang on top of a coal seam, it's perfectly sited to take advantage of Nature's bounty with a roaring fire in every house, sometimes every room, for centuries. Not for nothing is the town still affectionately *cough* known as Auld Reekie.

Well, until the Clean Air Act and all that, when coal fires were banned in the city and we were all forced onto gas or that new-fangled "electricity". Some of us got quite a shock when the sand-blasters started their decades-long clean-up program on our buildings and we discovered that the natural colour of sandstone isn't black, as we'd assumed, but sandy. So what follows must have happened sometime before the switch.

There I am, sitting by the fire in the living room reading a book that I have bought with my own money. In walks my brother. Perhaps he's just been stung by a bee, or maybe he's on his period. Whatever the reason for his bad temper, he walks up to me, snatches the book from my hands, rips out the last several pages and throws them on the fire!

Well, it was all a long time ago and I've forgotten not only what that book was called, let alone who wrote it, but it still irks me that I was prevented from finding out how it ended by a selfish, insensitive twat. However, with any luck I'll come across another copy one day so no spoilers please. I'd like to find out for myself if his Merrie Men managed to spring Jesus from jail.

New Animal Cruelty Outrage as Sickening Video Reveals Bloodthirsty Mounted Thugs Killing Baby Fox to Death with Devil Dogs

In a not-very-new twist to the woman-puts-cat-in-bin story, morons were furious today to learn that upper-class thugs on horseback had posted videos on the internet some years ago of themselves hunting down and killing foxes before it was outlawed in the UK.

Tally-Ho!

The videos clearly show dozens of "huntsmen", as they like to call themselves, dressed in garish outfits and blowing a variant of deafening vuvuzelas while riding their bloodthirsty steeds over fences and across farmers' crops in pursuit of helpless baby foxes.

Their devil dog beagles then go in for the kill, ripping the victims to pieces in a bloodbath of blood and guts. To see the full video in high definition, visit payperview.morons.com.

Facebook

Self-styled animal rights campaigners had already formed several Facebook vigilante groups before learning that the videos were shot before fox hunting was outlawed in England in 2004. "But that's not going to stop us," ranted Frank Mental of Bermondsey in Essex. "We will do whatever we can to bring these monsters to justice!"

One of the huntsmen tracked down by our intrepid reporters, Sir William Fitztightly, explained, "That was all a very long time ago in a different day and age. Everyone was doing it then, so of course we just followed along like sheep. Of course we would never do something as cruel and heartless nowadays. At least not until the fox hunting ban is repealed."

A local farmer then advised us to "Get off my land" before levelling a shotgun at us, so we made our excuses and left.

Outrage Over Health Claims For Water

Medical professionals were outraged today over claims that water might be "good for you".

In an article posted last week on the highly-regarded medical journal The Internet, it was claimed that the chemical compound H₂O, commonly known as "water", could confer miraculous health benefits, including thirst relief, moisturising and even a reduction in the amount of skin bacteria.

"I'm outraged," said Dr. Malik Singh of Harley Street, London. "These claims are totally spurious and unsupported by any big-pharma financed, long-term, double-blind, highly lucrative clinical trial. This substance must be regarded as potentially dangerous until proper doctors have been paid a fortune to conduct and publish a peer-reviewed study that no-one will bother to read."

The author of the article, Joe Mumble, was unrepentant, claiming that H₂O was perfectly safe when diluted repeatedly with itself to the point where less than one molecule of the original substance remained per litre of water. "Furthermore, when just one glass of this is taken with a handful of antiviral drugs, it can definitely help reduce the symptoms of both HIV and AIDS. On its own, not so much."

An NHS administrator who wished to remain anonymous explained, "While this substance has admittedly been in use in NHS hospitals for decades, its primary function has always been seen as an industrial solvent. It's also used in small, carefully-controlled quantities as a sterilizing agent for surgical instruments, but our clinicians are always very careful to remove all traces of it with a greasy cloth before use in the theatre. I certainly wouldn't recommend drinking the stuff, I'd rather pour raw bleach down my throat."

X Factor Winner Joe McElderry Comes Out As Geordie

Gay singing sensation Joe McElderry has left the showbiz world stunned with the shock revelation that he is a Geordie.

"Why, man," said Joe yesterday, "it's never reely occurred to me befoah, like, but I were just thinking aboot it when I were standing in G.A.Y. with me boyfriend supping a pint of Newky Brown. I heupe it doesn't affect me relationship with me fans, y'knaa."

Until now, Joe has steadfastly denied being a Geordie, claiming that he was born in Outer Mongolia, "Where everyone smoke tabs aal the time, man pet man." But after his Twitter account was hacked by pranksters, he was forced to come clean. He said that he found his decision to come out "reet liberating, like" and that he could now "be Northern".

He revealed he once went out without a coat before going on the X Factor but says he never thought more about it until recently.

The 19-year-old X Factor winner came out just a week after telling his mentor, Cheryl Cole. "Why, I were gutted, at forst, like," admitted the former Girls Aloud member. "I felt betrayed and humiliated, like when wor fans found oot tha' Nadine were the only one in our group who could actually sing live. The bitch."

Fans of the gurning teenager have expressed their full support. 16-year-old Tracy Sherman of Chelmsford explained, "When you've heard some of the godawful shit coming out of the mouths of the other X Factor finalists, a Geordie accent is the least of your worries. After all, it's not as if he's Scottish. Er, he's not, is he?"

Leading X Factor judge Simon Cowell said, "I'm going to be honest. I'll do absolutely anything to get a new record to the top of the charts, but having to back another fucking Northerner makes me sick in my mouth." This slip of the tongue has led to frenzied speculation about which of Cowell's other protégées may have been from the Newcastle area. So far, Fleet Street's finest have drawn a complete blank.

Joe's debut album is due to be released this October, after which everyone will promptly forget he ever existed.