Political Correctness Gone Differently Sane

• Ramadana Ding-Dong
  Embra hospital workers have been told not to eat at their desks to avoid offending Muslim colleagues during Ramadan. And Muslim doctors have been requested not to drive burning jeeps into Scotch airport lounges during the summer holiday period.


• Walking Two Short Planks
  Insurers threatened to pull the plug on the annual Plank-Walking Championships in Kent unless entrance forms were amended to warn contestants that "plank-walking may make you wet". Visitors to the Vatican have also been warned to look out for Catholic Popes and hikers planning on taking a stroll in the woods should mind their step.


• Rubbish Flowers
  Paul Newman - who appears to have eschewed Hollywood for Bedshampton in Hampshire - has been snubbed by garbage disposal operatives after leaving a bunch of dead flowers in his household waste. They'd prefer that he puts the lilies in the back of his truck and drives the twenty-mile round trip to the dump to dispose of them in an environmentally-friendly way. With the emphasis on "mental".


• Barking Mad
  Feliciana P. Harrell was arrested in Wisconsin after she "barked at and agitated a K-9 dog". How do you agitate a tin dog?


• Losing The Plot
  June Turnbull, whose gardening skills at the entrance to the high street helped win Urchfont the Best Kept Village Of The Year award, has been given a cease-and-desist order for failing to wear a fluorescent jacket, place women-at-work warning signs or have a second person standing by whenever she wanted to go along and do a bit of weeding. The order comes from Wiltshire County Council, whose county seat lies in Salisbury. Sour grapes or what?

Tonight's The Night

"If the stars should appear just one night in a thousand years, how would men believe and adore!" - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I turned on the news for no good reason tonight. Lucky that I did, for I was abruptly reminded that the Perseid meteor shower was due about...now.

So of course I dashed outside, then dashed back inside and persuaded Mrs Farty to turn off all the lights. Embra is abominable for star-gazing as it is, no point making it harder for yourself.

Sure enough, there were clouds aplenty stretching from one horizon to the other, but one or two promising gaps opened up just as my eyes started to adjust to the dark. I watched and waited...and waited...and waited. To pass the time, I tried to see if I could identify any constellations. Fat chance, I could hardly see any stars, let alone groups.

I moved around, trying to find the best position not to be night-blinded by street-lights, security lights and house lights from the surrounding buildings. And then, just as the clouds began to close in once more, a solitary flash, a thin white streak across the southern sky, and it was gone.

Did I imagine it? Was I so desperate to see something that I just made it up in my head? I noted that it had come from the North-East, heading South-West and aligned with the right arm of that big 'W' shape. Dur, that would be Cassiopeia. Why didn't I notice that before?

Back indoors, a quick look at a star chart shows that the Perseids do indeed originate in the North-Eastern part of the sky. Excited? I'm like a dog with two tails!

Just going to grab a coat and nip back outside. Er, I may be some time.

Some meteors in 1833.

Update:

Well, I didn't imagine that one! The low-lying clouds had scattered by the time I finished my post, with just a thin haze of orange across the sky, so I lay on my back, put my arms behind my head and settled down. Within just five minutes a much longer streak shot across my view to the South-East this time, ending in a bright spark. This one seemed to come more from the North, I dunno. A few seconds later, I swear I heard the sound of distant thunder. I like this game!

Gone Phishin' Part 2

I've had another Fraud alert from my bank. Thank goodness someone's on the case or I'd be losing my non-existent cash hand over fist.

From: Nationwide Internet Banking.® [actually orquestapromusicabenidorm dot com]
To: MrFarty@BlueYonder.co.uk [who does all his banking at Nationwide]
Sent: Saturday, August 11, 2007 2:26 PM
Subject: Nationwide Internet Banking.® (Online Banking Security Notification)

INTERNET BANKING

To Our Value [sic] Customer,

We are very much concerned about the credibility and efficiency of our online banking system. In doing this, we annually renew and upgrade our equipments [sic] to ensure maximum efficiency of our banking activities.

We are presently working on our secure servers to protect our online customers from online Fraud [as against offline Fraud]. More so, we have improved our banking system with up-to-date machineries [e.g. spambots] to enable [our] fast and easy access to your online banking accounts.

However,failure to update your Nationwide Account after 48hrs of notice might lead to restriction of online account access. [if you had any to begin with]

Update Your Nationwide Account Details. (Update Information)

Thank You.

Mangement [sic]

Nationwide Internet Banking.

Honestly, their command of English is worse than my grasp of Latin.

Indistinguishable From Magic

Isn't it marvellous, the way all those ideas that used to be pure fantasy, then science fiction, have been developed into credible scientific theories and built into real, useable technology?

• Crystal balls

Only a hundred years ago, people scoffed at the idea that one day, if would be possible to see major world events, as they took place, on the other side of the planet. Like Paris Hilton being jailed for drink-driving or some cow being given a death sentence. Must...resist...posting...minger...picture...




• Alien planets

Giordano Bruno was burned at the stake in 1600 for even suggesting that there might be other worlds inhabited by other beings. To date, more than 200 alien worlds have been discovered. Probly. It's hard to be sure, all you see is a tiny wobble in a star's motion or a brief dimming in its brightness. But the Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence continues unabated. As scientists say, we just need more money research.




• Teleportation

Just imagine being able to walk into a booth in Sydney, Australia, dial in a code and emerge seconds later in Kentucky, USA. Dream on - so far, they've got as far as teleporting a single atom held at a temperature close to absolute zero. Besides, who in their right mind would want to go to Kinfucky?




• Invisibility Cloak

This story finds its roots way back in Greek mythology. More recently, Frodo, er, Harry made use of a similar device to escape detection. Just last year, scientists developed a working cloak shed of invisibility. Better known to us lesser mortals as a shed.





• Levitation

Who wouldn't give their eye teeth to fly on a magic carpet? Cue A Whole New World and all that Disney shite. Yes, of course it would be amazingly brilliant, in theory. But have you considered the practicalities? Fending off the squeegee brigade while you wait at busy airborne intersections. Spending all your time hoovering up dead flies and that. Still, the high-speed chases would be much more exciting.




• Time Travel

Hop in the Tardis with Dr Who, step back in time and see Kylie Minogue in the bath. I Should Be So Lucky. But Professor Amos Ori now thinks it might just be possible, using an envelope filled with dust. [You're yanking my chain, right? Ed.] No, really.




• Cold Fusion

Limitless energy, virtually for free. All you need is a few million dollars, twenty years and a gullible sponsor. Or you could stick with hot fusion, which costs a gazillion dollars and will deliver commercial results in forty years. Or so they tell us every forty years. Sigh. Looks like we're stuck with the big round yellow thing meantime.

August 6

Then

Now

A Quiet Week

'Sup?

Not much here in Embra. Some Philistines have desecrated (oh, that's a good word, must use it some more) the National Gallery of Scotland by wrapping some Campbell's Soup tins around the Doric (or is it Ionic?) columns at the entrance. It looks bloody awful, so I won't assault your eyes with a picture. I don't know much about art, and apparently neither does Andy Warhol.

I was late for work after a kilt shop went on fire in Princes Street on Friday. When buildings in the Weeg go on fire, it's usually an insurance job, but here it's more commonly some developer fed up with trying to get listed building consent to knock it down. Meh.

We had a shark here on a day trip from the West Coast. Maybe it was here for the fire sale? It had better watch out for hungry Japanese tourists.

The Embra Festival starts today, whatever that is. I'm planning to go and watch Jihad The Musical, to gain some insight into how people from other cultures live. *cough*

Which reminds me. There's an excerpt from Bin Liner's blog over at Celebrity Litigation. And another one from Jesus. You should go and read it, it's very funny. I should know.

Trust No-One

Nowadays, it's best to take anything you see on the telly with a large pinch of salt. What with rigged phone votes, invented arguments between Brenda and some foreign snapper, and now ITV faking the death of an Alzheimer's patient, next thing you know NASA will be admitting that the Apollo Moon Landings were filmed in Hollywood. Thank goodness we have t'internet, which is well known for its truthfulness and honesty.

*cough*

Anyway, what's in the news this week? Animals, that's what.

First we have Shipman, the tabby who lives in a Rhode Island nursing home. Once he's given you the cat-scan of death, you'd better start scribbling your will.





Then there's the Doctor Who Woo won a million dollar prize after successfully creating the first human-porcine hybrid.













And now we have the Oxford Goose creating a flap. As it were.


Right. That's me. Off to read Gordon Brown's blog now. You can always trust a Scotchman.