Simply Redilculous

Following disappointing ticket sales for his current farewell tour, Mick Hucknall has apologised to the 1,000 women he's slept with.

In related news, Victoria Beckham has apologised for all the amazing records she's released over the years and Justin Bieber has said sorry for being so butch.

In an outburst of ginger solidarity, Danny Alexander MP, better known by his stage name of Beaker off the Muppets, has jumped on the bandwagon and apologised for sleeping with Princess Leia, Wonder Woman, Xena Warrior Princess and celebrity vagina Katie Price.

When asked to comment, Miss Price said, "Who? Really? If anyone should apologise, it must be me. My only excuse is that I must have been completely off my tits to sleep with a ginger."

Tony Blair is expected to apologise for winning the Nobel Peace Prize any day now. Oh, wait.

Glorious colours

Glorious colours
Originally uploaded by Farty's Photos

I took some photos today at Edinburgh's Botanic Gardens in the snow. See the least worst ones on Flickr.

X Factor Drops Singing From Show

In a move that has shocked absolutely no-one, X Factor producers have announced that contestants will no longer be required to sing on the show. Not even miming like the celebrity guests plugging their new singles.

It is widely believed that the reason behind the move is to make more time available for Simon Cowell to pontificate about Louis Walsh's absolute and total lack of any musical taste whatsoever. Not to mention his rapidly-darkening hair colour, whiny voice and propensity to go off on one at the slightest provocation.

Insiders on the show have also pointed out the potential savings to be made by not having to pay any royalties to copyright holders, but since Cowell's record company, Sony BMG, already owns every song ever written, past, present and future, this theory has been widely discounted.

Former Pop Idol winner and Girls Aloud member Cheryl Cole, who has previously mimed live on the show herself, is said to be delighted at the news, as it gives her the opportunity to spend even more time fighting with the other judges and verbally abusing the contestants in front of the cameras.

Irish judge Louis Walsh, who manages Westlife, Boyzone and some pop groups, is understood to be disappointed that he will no longer be able to pull out his rulebook and claim that Cher's song wasn't actually a Beatles number as it was a solo hit for John Lennon.

Critics were quick to point out that the change will allow people with the musical ability of a dead sheepdog to win the show, but hurriedly withdrew their objections when they noticed that karate expert Wagner was standing staring at them.

Sparkling Belongs To Me

So I was reading The Bloggess when I came across a post about someone called Jamie Cullum. Or was it Cullen? Anyway, this Gollum bloke seems to feature in some very popular films¹. And there seems to be a feck of a lot of sparkling going on in them.

Which is a bit odd, because I always thought that when vampires were exposed to direct sunlight, it made them fade like a cheap pair of curtains.

Not that I know very much about vampires; when I first read Dracula, I thought that the description of men and women dancing around in the catacombs, "naked to the waist", meant that their bottom halfs were naked. Be more specific, Stoker! (Shakes fist)

Any road up, my memory was jogged into something I wrote in this very blog a few years back. And guess what? I own the word sparkling! It only cost me a pound at the time, but now it's going to make me a gazillionaire!²

So pony up, Twilight fans. Every time you use the word "sparkling", you owe me, oh, let's not be greedy, how about a penny? (Rubs hands)

Ka-Ching!



1- That's "movies" if you're a Merkan.
2 - Not a real word.

I Have A Terrible Feeling Of Déjà Vu

Jenny the Bloggess has retired to her chambers to concentrate on her magnum opus.

Again.

I can picture her now: seated at her writing desk with a goose quill in her hand, her faithful hound Barnaby Jones Pickles seated at her feet (artistic licence), a huge powdered wig perched atop her head with bottles of Xanax and vodka secreted away in its hidden depths. A sheet of parchment gradually filling with elegant curlicued copperplate as she channels the spirit of Nancy W. Kappes, paralegal.

You go, girl!

World Trade Centre to Relocate to Scotland

Under ambitious new plans announced to the press today, a new World Trade Centre is to be built in the heart of Bonnie Scotchland. The noo.

The World Trade Centre Association (WTCA) has granted Embra toon cooncil a licence to waste even more money on top of what's already been squandered on the Parliament building and the fecking trams. The cooncil believes the site close to both Embra airport and the global HQ of RBS is an ideal target for terrorists.

Cooncillor Shuggy McNumpty declared that the original licence was to catch crabs in the Water of Leith, but with the aid of a crayon this had been amended to grant full permission to build a bothy close to the site of the Royal Highland Show.

Artist's Impression

It is hoped that the new WTC would rival Great Britain's only other site in Hull.

Ownership of the licence would be reassigned just as soon as someone mental enough to think this plan might work can be found, although last night Donald Trump was unavailable for comment.

Just You Wait And See

So yesterday Norman Wisdom passed away, age 95. Apparently his mental health had been failing for some time, and this was suitably reflected in a number of tributes wrongly attributing him as co-writer of There'll Be Bluebirds Over The White Cliffs of Dover. To be fair, that is what his Wikipedia entry said at the time the lazy journalists looked it up, but to be harsh, they shouldn't believe everything they read on the internets.

For those of you not familiar with Twitter, what's it like in the Stone Age? here are some more Norman Wisdom "facts".


rpcompaneros
#NormanWisdomFacts Norman Wisdom invented toothpaste
»
Mr Farty
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman played Gort in the original movie The Day The Earth Stood Still. His visor was operated by a trained gerbil.
»
TheCockOfJesus
#NormanWisdomFacts He thought Albania was an affliction affecting hair colour and eye sight.
»
TheConnArtist
#NormanWisdomFacts He thought Albania was a shithole.
»
rpcompaneros
#NormanWisdomFacts Wisdom once climbed Everest, Mount Fuji and Ben Nevis. This was collectively known as the Norman Conquests
»
Mr_Neurosceptic
#NormanWisdomFacts Norman's brother Saxon wasn't famous for anything. He did try to invent waterproof cardigans for cats. They failed.
»
RANTINGMALE
#normanwisdomfacts he used the alias of big_norm and won the 2008 UK online poker championship, but gave his purse to a squirrel sanctuary
»
BertSwattermain
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman was 6'3", but he insisted on hiring basketball teams as his entourage.
»
rantyman
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman was runner up in the 1937 series of X-Factor, losing out to a troupe of Morris Dancing gerbils
»
Mr_McChin
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman founded Lidl as he was sick of paying full price for Bratwurst.
»
BertSwattermain
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman was the stunt co-ordinator for the PG Tips chimp adverts.
»
BertSwattermain
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman was the recently fired drummer in Lordi. It broke his heart and he never recovered.
»
Rantyman
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman's famous cap was woven from the carefully collected pubic hairs of his wife
»
MrFarty
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman Wisdom invented cheese.
»
Mr_McChin
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman was the only man to successfully scale Jo Brand.
»
Mr_McChin
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman was known to his mates as 'old green bollock'.
»
MrFarty
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman Wisdom won the 1982 Nobel Prize for ending the war between ghosts and zombies.
»
Mr_Neurosceptic
#normanwisdomfacts "The Sandwich Man" is the only film available on DVD in North Korea.
»
Mr_Neurosceptic
#normanwisdomfacts Norman Wisdom had three ribs removed so he could suck his own Y-fronts.
»
Mr_Neurosceptic
#normanwisdomfacts Norman Wisdom turned down the role of Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver because he only had a license to drive a lawnmower.
»
Mr_Neurosceptic
#normanwisdomfacts Zookeepers used to show chimpanzees Norman Wisdom films to stop them biting their toenails.

You're really not missing much.

Grampa

I don't really remember Granny Ethel, except that at one point she was alive and at another, Grampa lived alone. There must have been a funeral and such, but either I wasn't invited or it's all blurred into insignificance.

Most of my memories of Grampa come in drips and draps, but what I do remember clearly is that whenever we visited him out in the colonies, Grampa always served us kids lime cordial and soda water from an old glass siphon as a special treat. It tasted terribly bitter but it made us feel very privileged to be waited upon like that, so we always drank it all up. I don't recall if we were ever allowed to operate the trigger on the siphon ourselves, but somehow I doubt it.

Grampa had red hair, combed back from his forehead - which, now I come to think of it, is how I wear mine, including the ever-increasing bald patch, but so far free of liver spots. I think I have Grampa to thank for my little-remaining-hair-not-turning-grey genes.

Of course the one, truly lasting memory was of the fucking enormous tigerskin rug sprawled across the floorboards in his living room. It had a fearsome snarl permanently frozen on its face, and its staring glass eyes had us absolutely terrified. Grampa would smile and pat it on the head reassuringly, but I was too scared of those long, sharp teeth.

If there were any bullet holes in it, you'd think I'd remember that, right? Nope. I guess he must have strangled it to death with his bare hands then. Grampas are awesome like that.

I'm reminded of Grampa every time I look at my mouse mat, for some reason.

Another Highland Wedding

So if you've been following me on Twitter - and if not, why not? - you'll know that I've been up to Grantown-on-Spey for a wedding at the weekend. A jolly good time was had by all, although I didn't get to take quite as many photos as last year. And somehow totally failed to get a single one of my grand-daughter, despite her being a flower girl, le sigh.

The bride, groom and some parents at Abernethy Church. Now I want a biscuit.

Flower girls always look lovely, don't you think? Even when they're up to mischief.

Cutting the cake. Mmmm, cake. This one was baked by the groom's gran (see top photo) and cost over £200 to make, most of which went on booze. Must remember to ask for the recipe.

There's no point trying to get them to pose, so why not do the opposite and catch them in their natural state?

We're married now and there's nothing you can do about it!

I think she's just spotted the car. Ooer.

Already planning her own wedding. It'll be a blast!

Feeling the Heat

The fine city of Edinburgh hasn't always been the pristine jewel in Scotchland's crown that you see today. Situated slap bang on top of a coal seam, it's perfectly sited to take advantage of Nature's bounty with a roaring fire in every house, sometimes every room, for centuries. Not for nothing is the town still affectionately *cough* known as Auld Reekie.

Well, until the Clean Air Act and all that, when coal fires were banned in the city and we were all forced onto gas or that new-fangled "electricity". Some of us got quite a shock when the sand-blasters started their decades-long clean-up program on our buildings and we discovered that the natural colour of sandstone isn't black, as we'd assumed, but sandy. So what follows must have happened sometime before the switch.

There I am, sitting by the fire in the living room reading a book that I have bought with my own money. In walks my brother. Perhaps he's just been stung by a bee, or maybe he's on his period. Whatever the reason for his bad temper, he walks up to me, snatches the book from my hands, rips out the last several pages and throws them on the fire!

Well, it was all a long time ago and I've forgotten not only what that book was called, let alone who wrote it, but it still irks me that I was prevented from finding out how it ended by a selfish, insensitive twat. However, with any luck I'll come across another copy one day so no spoilers please. I'd like to find out for myself if his Merrie Men managed to spring Jesus from jail.

New Animal Cruelty Outrage as Sickening Video Reveals Bloodthirsty Mounted Thugs Killing Baby Fox to Death with Devil Dogs

In a not-very-new twist to the woman-puts-cat-in-bin story, morons were furious today to learn that upper-class thugs on horseback had posted videos on the internet some years ago of themselves hunting down and killing foxes before it was outlawed in the UK.

Tally-Ho!

The videos clearly show dozens of "huntsmen", as they like to call themselves, dressed in garish outfits and blowing a variant of deafening vuvuzelas while riding their bloodthirsty steeds over fences and across farmers' crops in pursuit of helpless baby foxes.

Their devil dog beagles then go in for the kill, ripping the victims to pieces in a bloodbath of blood and guts. To see the full video in high definition, visit payperview.morons.com.

Facebook

Self-styled animal rights campaigners had already formed several Facebook vigilante groups before learning that the videos were shot before fox hunting was outlawed in England in 2004. "But that's not going to stop us," ranted Frank Mental of Bermondsey in Essex. "We will do whatever we can to bring these monsters to justice!"

One of the huntsmen tracked down by our intrepid reporters, Sir William Fitztightly, explained, "That was all a very long time ago in a different day and age. Everyone was doing it then, so of course we just followed along like sheep. Of course we would never do something as cruel and heartless nowadays. At least not until the fox hunting ban is repealed."

A local farmer then advised us to "Get off my land" before levelling a shotgun at us, so we made our excuses and left.

Outrage Over Health Claims For Water

Medical professionals were outraged today over claims that water might be "good for you".

In an article posted last week on the highly-regarded medical journal The Internet, it was claimed that the chemical compound H₂O, commonly known as "water", could confer miraculous health benefits, including thirst relief, moisturising and even a reduction in the amount of skin bacteria.

"I'm outraged," said Dr. Malik Singh of Harley Street, London. "These claims are totally spurious and unsupported by any big-pharma financed, long-term, double-blind, highly lucrative clinical trial. This substance must be regarded as potentially dangerous until proper doctors have been paid a fortune to conduct and publish a peer-reviewed study that no-one will bother to read."

The author of the article, Joe Mumble, was unrepentant, claiming that H₂O was perfectly safe when diluted repeatedly with itself to the point where less than one molecule of the original substance remained per litre of water. "Furthermore, when just one glass of this is taken with a handful of antiviral drugs, it can definitely help reduce the symptoms of both HIV and AIDS. On its own, not so much."

An NHS administrator who wished to remain anonymous explained, "While this substance has admittedly been in use in NHS hospitals for decades, its primary function has always been seen as an industrial solvent. It's also used in small, carefully-controlled quantities as a sterilizing agent for surgical instruments, but our clinicians are always very careful to remove all traces of it with a greasy cloth before use in the theatre. I certainly wouldn't recommend drinking the stuff, I'd rather pour raw bleach down my throat."

X Factor Winner Joe McElderry Comes Out As Geordie

Gay singing sensation Joe McElderry has left the showbiz world stunned with the shock revelation that he is a Geordie.

"Why, man," said Joe yesterday, "it's never reely occurred to me befoah, like, but I were just thinking aboot it when I were standing in G.A.Y. with me boyfriend supping a pint of Newky Brown. I heupe it doesn't affect me relationship with me fans, y'knaa."

Until now, Joe has steadfastly denied being a Geordie, claiming that he was born in Outer Mongolia, "Where everyone smoke tabs aal the time, man pet man." But after his Twitter account was hacked by pranksters, he was forced to come clean. He said that he found his decision to come out "reet liberating, like" and that he could now "be Northern".

He revealed he once went out without a coat before going on the X Factor but says he never thought more about it until recently.

The 19-year-old X Factor winner came out just a week after telling his mentor, Cheryl Cole. "Why, I were gutted, at forst, like," admitted the former Girls Aloud member. "I felt betrayed and humiliated, like when wor fans found oot tha' Nadine were the only one in our group who could actually sing live. The bitch."

Fans of the gurning teenager have expressed their full support. 16-year-old Tracy Sherman of Chelmsford explained, "When you've heard some of the godawful shit coming out of the mouths of the other X Factor finalists, a Geordie accent is the least of your worries. After all, it's not as if he's Scottish. Er, he's not, is he?"

Leading X Factor judge Simon Cowell said, "I'm going to be honest. I'll do absolutely anything to get a new record to the top of the charts, but having to back another fucking Northerner makes me sick in my mouth." This slip of the tongue has led to frenzied speculation about which of Cowell's other protégées may have been from the Newcastle area. So far, Fleet Street's finest have drawn a complete blank.

Joe's debut album is due to be released this October, after which everyone will promptly forget he ever existed.

East Fortune Airshow 2010

So this time we remembered to bring folding chairs, so that we didn't a) crick our necks looking up all the time or b) get wet off the grass. I took 300 photos and videos, mostly of empty sky, wingtips, exhaust smoke or trees. Of the rest, these are the least worst.

As usual, click to embiggen.

Vampire

Russian Red Arrows

Spitfire

Wing Walkers

Wing Walkers (video)

The Tale of the Missionary and the Black Sheep

A missionary gets sent into deepest, darkest Africa. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read and write, and about the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin, "Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!"

One day the wife of the Village Chief gives birth to a white child.

The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk to the missionary.

"You taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here is a black women who gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!"

The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a rare, but natural occurrence. It's called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See there a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black sheep. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief pauses for a moment and then says, "Tell you what, my friend, you say nothing about the black sheep, and I'll say nothing about the white child!"

Edward Cullen Eat Your Undead Heart Out

So this week, young, almost teenage girls have been falling over each other to get some of my precious bodily fluids.

They've been very, very persistent, sending me letters, begging me to come and pay them a visit.

And when I eventually arrived, they were clamouring around me in their short, white skirts and tight blouses, demanding to know every little thing about me.

"What do they call you, handsome?"

"What's your star sign?" ¹

"Hey, do you operate, you know, heavy machinery?" They get totally turned on by that.

"So, where do you take your holidays? San Francisco? Equatorial Africa? Anywhere that's had a recent outbreak of a communicable disease?"

"Man, have you done any good shit lately? Smack, crack, anything involving needles, basically?"

And then they got really personal, asking about my sex life and that. Not so much about all the prostitutes I'd murdered but whether I'd had unprotected sex with them, either before, during or after.

Then they gently laid me down and I barely felt the tiny, sharp sting as they began to suck out my lifeblood and I slipped into a daze...

Next thing I knew, I was sipping a nice cuppa tea with my chocolate Hobnobs.

Best thing about it? Not an angst-ridden Twilight fan in sight.

¹ Technically, "What's your date of birth?" But anybody can work out your star sign from that, right? Right.

Computer Terms Illustrated

Haven't done this for a while. Honest, these are all genuine computer terms.

API

Enterprise Architecture

Micro

Polling

Proxy(sp?) Server

Spoofing

Escape Characters

Pipe

Tar

There's also Shell, of course. Think I'll save that for later.

Down By The River

So as my Twitter followers will know, I went for a stroll down by the Water of Leith yesterday, watched the pretty birdies and broke the first rule of photography - didn't take my camera. #headslap

To make up for it, I went back today with camera in hand and took a few snaps.

As usual, click to embiggen.

Water of Leith

Heron>

Swan

Swan closeup

Another Heron

Duck

Wallflowers

The only thing that spoiled it for me was trying to get a shot without the assorted prams, bicycles and shopping trolleys that have been discarded in the river over the years by gormless vandals.

Gormless

Toot toot!

Shit My Dad Said

Some time ago.

Dad worked on the top floor of a four-storey telephone exchange. There were no lifts (elevators), but the exercise he got from climbing the stairs every morning was still preferable to the drenching he'd regularly received while fixing junction boxes in the streets of Edinburgh.

Be that as it may.

One day, a uniformed police officer turned up by his desk, puffing and wheezing.

"Good day, my good man," or words to that effect, said the filth. "Would that be your car parked on the pavement downstairs, only it's causing an obstruction?"

"Would that be the silver Bentley?" asked Dad innocuously. Dad never drove in his life.

"Ah, no sir," replied the pig. "It's a blue Ford Escort. Sorry to have disturbed you."

And off he went.

Five minutes later, with much pounding on the stairs, the rozzer was back, gasping for breath this time. "Sir! Sir! There's no silver Bentley down there!"

"Oh, my God, it's been stolen!" Sharp as a pin, was Dad.

So then he made poor PC Plod go back down again, have another look to make sure, come back up and prepare to take a statement before declaring, "Ah, wait, the wife said she would be taking it today to fetch the shopping."

He would have loved Robin Cooper.

Roaming In The Gloaming

So I noticed that this week my sex change was commented on in Scottish Roundup, juxtaposed with the most excellent Scotland In The Gloaming. Seriously, I'm not worthy, but that won't stop me nicking their name linking to them for this post.

Be that as it may, I was at a "do" up near Bathgate a couple of weeks ago on one of the few days it didn't rain. A professional photographer had warned me not to bother taking my camera, since there was nothing to see but scenery. Yes, of course I ignored him. Was it worth it? You decide.

Distant Lake
Those cows totally knew I was there.

Walking At Sunset

Roaming In The Gloaming

Through A Glass, Darkly
I rather enjoyed climbing over the wall to get this picture with the sun directly behind the lamp.

Stay With Me Till Dawn

Sunset Over The Loch
Well, I say 'loch'. 'Artificial reservoir' doesn't have quite the same ring to it.

My Red Dress

I've been up to Hillend a few times to practice skiing, but I'd always planned to just walk up with the camera one day and take some nice photos of my home town. Then life happened and what with one thing and another, that day never came.

Yesterday, however, I found myself on holiday, with no fixed plans, beautiful weather, a new camera and a free morning. So I thought, "Bugger it, I'm off!"

Hopping on the bus, I started up Twitter on my phone and the very first tweet I saw was one from Chookooloonks about how to improve your photography. That led me to her blog, where I was momentarily sidetracked by a stunning photoset of Jenny The Bloggess wearing a red dress in a cemetery. Yeah.

Jenny's own post on the same subject would have prompted me to take this trip if I wasn't already there. Spooky coincidence, innit?

As always, click on any photo to embiggen and feel free to copy for non-commercial purposes.

Bluebells. Aren't they lovely? No, of course I didn't have to stop anyway to catch my breath.


Oh, looky! Someone's got a hang-glider!


The First Forth Bridge. To Fife.


A boat. And Fife. Again.


Arthur's Seat. And Fife. Sigh.


Top of the ski-tow. Practising skyline photos without ending up underexposed. Win.


North Berwick Law. Cockenzie power station in the foreground. No sign of Fife.


Edinburgh Castle. Pay no attention to the background.


Action shot of a skier going down.


Action shot of a hang-glider going up. Cheeky monkey.


Panorama of Edinburgh. This was stitched together in the camera from 3 separate photos. Isn't technology wonderful?


About this site. Robert Louis Stevenson was here.


That hang-glider again.


Gorse Bush. There's a lot of these around here. Hope that pilot can steer well. #spiky


And if you're still wondering about the title of this post, you haven't visited Jenny's blog. Go on!