Merkan-English Dictionary #5

As if from thin air, a whole new slew of words and phrases have suggested themselves to me. Anyone who says this is in any way related to the recent cross-border visit to Merka is a liar.

• First floor, Mezzanine, Ground floor, Cellar, Basement

This gave me no end of grief a a young 'un when I used to read Merkan SF novels (I still do, but with less confusion nowadays). "Hang on, he jumped out of the first floor window and didn't break his neck? Is he wearing a gravity belt or is he a superhero?"
Look. The Ground Floor is on the ground. The First Floor is the first one above the Ground Floor. Mezzanine isn't even a proper word, but if it was, it would be where midgits lived, in the space between the Ground Floor and the First Floor.
You might think, as I do, that cellar and basement were synonymous terms for the underground floor of a house. Maybe it's just in the Canada that the cellar can sometimes be on the ground floor, below the normal living quarters. Now my brain is starting to hurt.


• Scarf, Muffler, Exhaust

A Scarf is something that a lady (or gentleman) wears around her/his neck. A lady sometimes calls this a Muffler. Not to be confused with a muff, although both are good for keeping one's ears warm. An Exhaust is the part of a car that the engine's exhaust fumes are expelled from.


• Clamp, Boot, Trunk, Bonnet, Hood

A Clamp is the thing that the Pedestrian's Friend attaches to a car to let the fuckwit know that it is in breach of local bylaws to double-park, with or without hazard warning lights, in front of Harvey Nicks whilst picking up a couple of bottles of Bolly. A Car Boot, by contrast, is the bit in the back (unless you drive a VW Beetle, in which case it's the front) where the jack, spare wheel etc. are kept. Car Boots can easily be obtained at specialist Car Boot Sales. A Bonnet is a pretty hat worn by ladies and young girls at Easter time. A Hood is what will get you thrown out of Asda/Walmart.


• Pissed vs Pissed Off

Pissed, or Fished as a Part, refers to the condition of having had one too many Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters. Pissed Off is what your friends are after you execute a Technicolor Yawn over their shoes.


• Corn, Maize, Mealies

A Corn is a sore bit on your toe caused by thickened skin. Apparently Merkans eat Flaked Corns. Maize (Mealies in South Africa) is that foodstuff that comes in tins and passes, undigested, straight through your intestinal tract.