Top Ten Jokes

This isn't a joke site, but I just had to share these. They're only my favourites because I can remember them. Mostly.

A husband asks his wife, "If I died, would you remarry?"
"Oh darling, what a horrible thought! Don't say that!"
"But if I did," he insists, "would you?"
"Well," she replies, "a woman has needs..."
"And would he sleep in our bed?"
"He would be my husband, so of course he would."
"And would you let him use my golf clubs?"
"Oh no, dear, he's left-handed."

A man comes running into the house and yells to his wife, "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!"
"Hurrah! What should I pack, scuba gear, skis, bikini?"
"I don't care, just feck off and don't come back!"

Three scientists are sitting at a pavement table outside a bar, enjoying a quiet pint. Across the road lies an empty building. Over the course of the afternoon, two people walk into the building and three people emerge.
The physicist says, "There's been a measurement error."
The biologist says, "It's reproduction."
The mathematician says, "If exactly one person enters the building, it will be empty again."

How many male chauvenist pigs does it take to change a light-bulb?
None. Let the bitch cook in the dark.

What's the difference between babies and marbles?
You can't stack marbles with a pitchfork.

Three girls step into a lift: a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. In a corner, they see a small puddle of a pale, viscous fluid.
"Ew," says the brunette, "that looks like man juice."
The redhead leans right over, puts her dainty little nose close up, wrinkles it and sniffs. "It smells like man juice."
The blonde leans over, dips a finger in the puddle and pops it in her mouth. After a moment's thought she declares, "Well, it's nobody from this building!"

It's moose hunting season, so two Canadian hunters hire a plane to take them up north for a shooting trip. The pilot drops them off and promises to pick them up after a week.
Next week he's back and the hunters are delighted - they've bagged five beauties between them.
"But this is just a small plane," complains the pilot, "I can only carry two, three moose at the most. You'll have to leave some and come back later."
"No way, eh," says the first hunter, "the coyotes'll have a feast while we're away. You'll have to take all five."
The argument goes back and forth, but eventually the pilot caves in and agrees to take both hunters and all five moose (meece?).
Sure enough, barely fifteen minutes into the return flight, the engine conks out and they plummet into the jungle trees in Canada.
After a few minutes, the first hunter pokes his head from the wreckage. "Well, at least we survived!"
The second hunter emerges and takes a look around. "Maybe so, eh, but we're hopelessly lost."
The pilot replies, "Nonsense, we're only half a mile from where we crashed last year!"

Two girls: a blonde and a redhead (it's the brunette's day off), enter a lift. A young man gets in and stands with his back to them, facing the doors. Whispering to each other, they agree that he's very tasty, but he has bad dandruff.
"We should give him Head & Shoulders," hisses the redhead.
"Ok," replies the blonde. "How do you give shoulders?"

Two South African hunters are out shooting in the veldt (I am so varied, me). Suddenly, one of them gasps, clutches his chest and falls to the ground. The other hunter realises that one braai too many have finally taken their toll. He takes out his cell-phone and calls the emergency operator.
"Hello, my hunting companion has had a heart attack. I think he's dead."
The operator replies, "It's ok, don't panic, I've had training on this and I know exactly what to do. First of all, you must make sure he's dead."
"Ok, just a moment."
There's the sound of footsteps, then BLAM! BLAM!
"Right, now what?"

Three men: an engineer, a manager and a software programmer, are in a car coming down a steep mountain road when the brakes fail. The car gathers speed, but after a desperate struggle the driver finally manages to slow down by steering it against the mountainside, scraping off most of the side of the car in the process. After it finally comes to a halt, the three of them have to decide what to do next.
The engineer pops open the hood/bonnet. "Ah, yes, we just need to patch up the thingumybob with chewing gum, that'll see us clear to the next garage."
"I disagree," says the manager. "Firstly, we need to form a committee to appoint a task force to investigate all the possibile options going forward, then arrange a series of followup meetings to consider how to arrive at a decision."
The software programmer says, "Before we try anything else, we should push the car back up to the top of the hill and see if it happens again."