Snow Joke

Not that it ever snows in Embra, but couldn't resist exhuming this oldie in response to Hot Coffee Girl's gripe about the weather in Cleveland (Ohio).

THE DIARY OF AN ENGLISHMAN LIVING IN SCOTLAND ENTITLED "OUR FIRST WINTER"

DEC 20TH Its starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It is so beautiful and peaceful.

DEC 24TH We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white, glistening snow, covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a snow-plough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car, so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.

DEC 26th It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snow plough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish-gray.

JAN 1st Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice when the temerature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars. Fell on my arse in the driveway. Went to a physio but nothing was broken.

JAN 5th Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4x4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing. Had another 8 inches of white shite last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush. That bastard snow-plough came by twice today. Where's that bloody shovel.

JAN 9th More Fucking snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater, which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car hit a Fucking deer on the way to casualty and was written off.

JAN 13th Fucking bastard white shite just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little shits next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back. I'll shove that carrot so far up the little prick's arse it'll take a good surgeon hours to find it. If I ever catch the arsehole that drives the snow-plough I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the bastard hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael Fucking Schumacher and buries the Fucking driveway again.

JAN 17th 16 more sodding inches of Fucking snow and Fucking ice and Fucking sleet and god know what other white shite fell last night. I am in court in 3 months time for assualting the snow-plough driver with an ice pick. Can't move my fucking toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20 and more f-ing snow is forecast.

FUCK THIS I'M MOVING BACK TO LONDON.