Better Oot Than In

I Learned Something Today

2012-01-02T23:27:00.005Z

I've been catching up with reruns of The Big Bang Theory and after hearing the theme song half a dozen times in a row I looked up autotroph and it turns out they are the organisms at the bottom of the food ~~chain~~ pyramid which live off of inorganic matter and convert it into organic molecules using photosynthesis and that.

Which totally screws up my post on Inorganic Food.

Bugger.

Also, I had been led to believe that energy and matter are different forms of each other, in the same way that space and time are inextricably linked, and that all of these are basic building blocks in the universe; that they can neither be created nor destroyed, merely changed from one form to another.

So imagine my astonishment when the lady on another telly show said that some DIY enthusiasts had managed to create both space and light simply by knocking through a wall in an old house.

Wonders will never cease.

Farty's Ecksmas Quiz 2011

2011-12-20T23:17:00.009Z

Let's have an Ecksmas Quiz!

1. Easy one to start with. Name that choon.

2. Pick the odd one out.
a) The Great Scottish Haggis Hunt.
b) Loch Ness Monster sightings.
c) The Edinburgh Trams.
d) UFOs over Bonnybridge.

Sorry, I got distracted by shiny. Continuing...

3. What famous quote from Independence Day was appropriated by Disney's Tangled? (Clue: You won't find it in IMDB, I just checked.)

4. At what age is it appropriate to ask someone if they still believe in Jesus?

5. What nationality is Andy Murray...
(a) When he wins?
(b) When he loses?

6. What is wrong with this picture? (click to embiggen)
Proving Atheists Wrong With Science #1

7. Better question: What's right with it?

To be continued. Maybe.

Bear With Me

2011-12-13T22:13:00.004Z

This seems to be International Bear Week or something. First, poor Sir David Attenborough gets slated for using zoo pictures of baby polar bears in his Frozen Planet series. Shocking stuff. Did Professor Brian Cox film his Wonders of the Solar System while in orbit around Jupiter? No? Now I feel cheated.

Then Jenny the Bloggess posts a link to a French film producer who looks a bit on the hairy side.

And now there are rumours that Edinburgh's very own Panda Bears may not be all they're cracked up to be. Where will it all end?

Doctor Who Pass Notes (contains spoilers)

2011-11-28T22:10:00.001Z

Name: The Doctor

Age: Circa 1100 years, although he existed at the birth of the Earth and the end of time.

Appearance: Old/young/middle-aged/young again/truly ancient/young white male. Long/short dark/white/fair hair. Prefers to wear long coats, hats and scarves.

Background: Born on Gallifrey, fairly normal upbringing, then got a bit rebellious and ~~stole~~ ~~borrowed~~ rescued a decommissioned type 40 TARDIS from a scrapyard to explore the universe. Currently has arrest warrants out on ~5000 planets for interfering with causality.

TARDIS? Time And Relative Dimension In Space. A time machine, if you will. Also spaceship. Looks like a 1960s London police call box.

Is he a real doctor? He is a qualified medical practitioner, but has also carried out extensive studies in philosophy, language, physics, mathematics, chemistry, intergalactic law, robotics, vulcanology and cricket. Likes to consider himself a good all-rounder, but still has trouble with basic navigation. Rarely lands the TARDIS on target.

Any friends? Usually has one or more companions, generally human or humanoid but has also been known to carry a tin dog on board. Most companions end up dead or lost in a parallel universe.

Tin dog? K9. A talking mechanical dog, carrying basic armaments and possessing limited intelligence. Almost as lovable as Jar-Jar Binks.

And enemies? Cybermen, Shansheeth, Slitheen, Silence, Gelth, Nestene, Daleks -

Daleks? Giant pepper-pots with a single eye on a stalk. Lacking any depth perception, they tend to bump into things a lot. Perpetually cross as a result.

How does the Doctor deal with his enemies? The Doctor always attempts to talk his way out of trouble by way of peaceful negotiations. When that fails, he usually resorts to genocide. He has utterly destroyed the Daleks on at least four separate occasions, one of which destroyed his own homeworld. Worst. Pest controller. Ever.

What weapons does the Doctor carry? None, although he does own a sonic screwdriver. This is quite handy for turning sonic screws and not much else.

So the Doctor is the last of his kind? The Doctor's home planet was sealed off from the rest of the universe in the Time War with the Daleks. Although his own race, the Time Lords, are essentially extinct, he has a daughter, at least one wife and has dealt with other time-travellers.

He appears human. Only on the outside. On the inside, Time Lords have two hearts. Also, on the frequent occasions on which he gets killed, he is reincarnated or "regenerated" on the spot. Technically, this makes the Doctor a zombie.

Why does the TARDIS resemble a police box? The TARDIS has a chameleon circuit to allow it to blend in with its environment. When we first saw it, it was in 1960s London, so this camouflage worked perfectly. Then the chameleon circuit broke.

Isn't it a bit poky? Like the wardrobe in Narnia and the travelling luggage in Discworld, the TARDIS is bigger on the inside. Be sure to check out the swimming pool, the library, the spiral staircase, the alternate control room and the laundry room.

How does the Doctor communicate with aliens? He just speaks normally. The TARDIS is telepathic and performs automatic translation between all known languages and most unknown ones.

Not to be confused with: Harry Potter.

Do say: "Dock-torrrr!"

Don't say: "Pleased to meet you, Doctor Who!"

If You Liked It Then You Should Have Put A Ring (Or Five) On It

2011-11-16T20:11:00.007Z

Aw, bless! Seb Coe wants to promote the London 2012 Olympics by hammering a set of giant Olympic rings to the front of that auld monstrosity, Edinburgh Castle.

If the organisers get their way, the 26ft high x 60ft wide brightly-coloured rings, rendered in tasteful aluminium, will, for nine months, almost totally obscure the massive eyesore that has blighted the city skyline for the past several centuries.

A spokesperson for London Organising Committee of the Olympic Games said Edinburgh Castle had been identified as the “right place” to erect the Olympic emblem. "If that doesn't drive the tourists away from Scotland and down to London in their droves, I don't know what will."

If nothing else, at least they'll deflect attention away from the continued non-appearance of any trams down in Princes Street.

Robot, Fix Thyself!

2011-11-01T21:06:00.007Z

According to JotZoom, material scientists at AkzoNobel have developed a self-mending plastic. This wondrous substance can repair damage to itself without the aid of glue, tape or any other stickum.

Supra B (catchy name, huh?) can be used in toys, spectacles, automobiles, computers or other devices. So if you sit on your specs, no need to buy a new pair, just hold the broken parts together and hey, presto! They're as good as new.

The boffins reckon Supra B would be ideal for putting scratch-proof coatings on laptops and that, but I can't help wondering if it couldn't be incorporated into a self-repairing robot. I bet nobody's ever thought of that before. Oh.

Well, what could possibly go wrong?

When Aliens Attack

2011-08-19T19:35:00.005+01:00

According to that bastion for accurate reporting, Fox News, top NASA scientists have predicted an imminent alien attack on mankind. These aliens, who inhabit the planet Algoria, have decided that humans have done enough damage to our own planet via Anthropic Global Warming (AGW) and should be stopped before we melt all the comets in the Oort Cloud or something [sub - please check].

The only way to prevent such an onslaught is for engineers to construct a Humungous Orbital Geostationary Wide Autonomous Shield for Humanity (HOGWASH) to make the Earth appear invisible to outside observers, say these boffins. They estimate that if Congress approves an immediate grant for one billion dollars, that should be enough to fund a proposal to investigate a feasibility study into whether such a shield could be built in time to fend off the attack which could happen ANY DAY NOW!!!

When pressed for details, team leader Professor Huge Grant licked his finger, stuck in the air and announced that it would cost on the order of one trillion dollars per year to keep the shield operational, but on the plus side it would appear completely transparent from Earth. It would also need a constant supply of hookers and blow, for reasons which the team are still working out the details. Oh, yes it will.

Harry Potter was unavailable for comment.

Thoughts of Mary Jane

2011-08-01T20:49:00.022+01:00

This was going to be a post about Amy Winehouse and her struggle with drug addiction, but I'd rather write about me. Soz, Amy.

I was first introduced to Mary Jane way back in the summer of, let me think, a while ago. I was still trying to come to terms with my on/off relationship with the girl who broke my heart and if anyone could help me in that respect, Mary Jane was the ideal candidate.

A friend of mine, let's call him Alex since this is still incriminating, had recently quit his job before they could fire him for throwing a fire extinguisher at the boss. To be fair, the boss was quite a wind-up merchant but some things you just don't do even in Embra.

I decided to pay Alex a visit and see how he was getting on. He asked me in, showed me around his poky little flat and asked if I'd like a cup of hash tea. As you do.

I lifted the lid of the teapot and gazed inside. An oily substance swirled invitingly on the surface, coyly tempting me to taste its herbal goodness.

"Yeah, why not?"

Why not indeed? Drug education in those days was only slightly more vague and misinformed than, "Drugs are bad, m'kay?" I'm pretty sure we'd only been told that much because one of my classmates at school had been expelled for admitting to a newspaper reporter that he smoked the occasional reefer.

So we sat and drank some of his funny tea and chatted and drank some more and to be honest? I don't remember whether it had any effect whatsoever. It certainly didn't taste like any tea I'd had before but since that had basically been either Typhoo at home or some abysmal infusion I'd been served while being held virtual prisoner on a school cruise ship, I never had much to compare it with.

Anyway, that was the beginning of my long descent into a drug-addled nightmare of actually quite a lot of fun most of the time.

Shortly after that, Alex moved into his girlfriend's flat across town and I was invited to his moving-in party. There was his half-brother Frank, who I soon discovered had an amazing party trick of throwing up neatly into a pint jug every time he smoked a joint. An empty jug was always kept on hand for these events, which were to become a regular feature of Alex's parties.

Frank was gay, as it turned out, although nobody really gave a toss as long as he didn't try to pick up someone else's boyfriend. Like Andy, for instance. Andy was gay too, but he had a fiancée. Yes, female: it's complicated. I was later to become firm friends with Andy, as regular readers may recall. (Screen turns swirly, fades to The World's End pub etc.)

And then there was Dwarf. I always picture Dwarf striding along in some sort of Ranger outfit from the Lord of the Rings, with an axe slung over his shoulder and an evil smile playing on his lips. Dwarf was six foot four and not to be messed with.

There were others, but these were the main players. One girl I only met at that first party; I forget her name but let's call her Coliary. Once everyone had been introduced and given something to drink, our host called for contributions and those who had any to give, opened up secret pockets and purses and produced what I learned were called Red Leb, Rocky and Afghani Black but could be collectively referred to as Mary Jane. At this point Coliary, who had only a few moments earlier been amiably discussing the latest fashion trends with her companion, leapt up, declared, "I'm not spending one more minute in this Opium Den!" and stormed out.

Sheepishly snuck back in, picked up her coat, drained her glass and flounced out again. Classy.

I, on the other hand, stayed and learned how to roll a joint, how to inhale oh, so slowly, how to hold my breath and then let it out in a miasmic cloud of wonder. Or to put it another way, I choked and coughed particles of burning hash all over the floor. But I got the hang of it eventually.

Over the coming days, weeks and months, I got to grips with the pin: attached by Blu-Tack to a Pink Floyd album cover and covered with an empty tumbler until the morsel of resin within had been consumed in a slow-burning ember, then slide the tumbler to the edge and inhale; the ~~creek-glass~~ chillum; the neat-pipe, hash cookies and of course, the bong.

Ah, the bong. Even though there was and, as far as I know, still is a Head Quarters just behind the National Museum of Scotland, stocked with all sorts of weird paraphernalia, it was much more fun to grow, or in this case, build your own. We made one out of three empty Coke bottles, with a chillum inserted in the neck of the first one and connected with plastic tubing leading the smoke through the second and then bubbling through spring water in the third to arrive, cool and refreshing, on our hungry lips.

And then, suitably smashed out of our skulls, we'd trundle barefoot into central Embra for a climb up the Scott Monument, or nip into Mr Boni's (does that place still exist?) for a Belly-Banger: 30 scoops of ice cream, every one a different flavour. I couldn't taste a thing for three days after that. Or, you know, hunt out the best place to serve Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters. (The World's End - you have been taking notes, right?)

And then there was the time I spent the night alone with Gay Andy. Sorry to disappoint, but all we did was smoke joints, play some Prog Rock - Yes, Genesis, Jon Anderson, um, I don't know, I was stoned - drink some rather nice red wine and talk about these new-fangled things called micro-chips. In the morning, we climbed up into the Pentland Hills behind Andy's house for a spontaneous photo-shoot, with him in the rôle of Highlander years before Mel Gibson. Yeah, Mel probably copied his style from our pictures. Wonder where they are now?

Yep, drugs are very, very bad. Just say no.

Fuck. I could do with a drag right now.

Threipmuir Walk

2011-07-03T19:36:00.001+01:00

Threipmuir Walk, a set on Flickr.

So we went on the charidee walk and it was awesome. If you follow me on Twitter, you'll have seen some of these as I posted them from the hilltops. The rest I took with my "proper" camera.

The route we took was from somewhere called Threipmuir in the Pentland Hills, across the Alps and the Himalyas, ending near Flotterstone Inn. But we weren't allowed the luxury of stopping for a pint, as we then had to walk three miles over the Andes to get back to the cars.

Totally worth it.

Charidee Walk

2011-06-24T20:31:00.004+01:00

So I've been ~~coerced~~ volunteered into doing a sponsored walk. For charidee. Next weekend. Up a mountain. In Scotchland. I suppose most of you are wondering, "Why do a charity walk up a mountain?" I'm just thinking, "Why me?"

Apparently this particular stretch of ~~inhospitable wilderness~~ pleasant country walking route has a door policy: t-shirts, jeans and trainers are "inappropriate attire" and the ~~bouncers~~ marshalls won't let you in unless you're bedecked with reasonably-priced walking boots, wooly socks, sou'westers, canvas trousers, ice-picks, crampons (or was that tampons?), tents, Primus stoves, and six months' supplies of Kendal mint cake. Can't be too careful, I suppose.

I can't help wondering if it wouldn't have been easier for me to donate the supplies budget to charidee and spend the day loafing on the couch watching Dr Who reruns.

A Little Princess

2011-06-22T22:09:00.003+01:00

Princess Farty may be a Little Monster, but baby, she was Born This Way.

Pentland Walk

2011-05-09T22:13:00.003+01:00

I went for a walk up the Pentlands last week, near Torphin golf course. The next day it went on fire. Wasn't me.

If this thing works, you should see a slideshow of my walk. If not, try this link.

Twitter: Watching William & Kate The Wedding So You Don't Have To

2011-04-24T21:48:00.008+01:00

So today the UK's Channel 5 screened William & Kate: The Movie. Sadly, I missed it, but thankfully Twitter came to the rescue and filled me in on all the pertinent details. Which I shall now share with you and, indeed, posterity.


FacePimp
Obligatory Diana reference #solemn

AdeMitchell 
This is like a porn film with no porn.

andyb2910 
They should show this to the prisoners of Guantanamo Bay - more effective than waterboarding.

millsymoomoomoo
Ooh a london bus on the wrong side of the road

FacePimp 
Obligatory Diana reference 2 #insulting

MissWendabella
wow...typical student accomodation...just like mine when I was at college...ha

TallulahMiggins 
Could they not have got an English English-speaking person to check the damned script?

BrenUK 
He's groping her arse! Nice one Wills. That's what I call Royal protocol.

MrsStephenFry
Stephen and I are watching Will and Kate: the Movie. It's like a fairytale - without a fairy. Or a tale.

FacePimp 
Obligatory Diana reference 3 #comparisons

jonanamary
Kate, a tip: keep your knees together when getting out of a sports car.

castiels_angel 
I love how an hour & a half after the film started my auntie just piped up "Is that meant to be Kate?". The power of acting. 

Ross_Lawson
THEY WERE ON A BREAK!!!!

bilbobaggins2k
She's never cut a cucumber in her life!

emmylouscutt 
I keep waiting for Ben Cross to shout 'I was in Chariots of Fire you know!' 

DirtyMackem 
Is this our generation's Mr Darcy moment?

rahulmansi
'Assuming, Miss Middleton, that you wear undergarments.' 

matton79
"I can assure you I wear undergarments."

hooflethroid
I don't wear 'undergarments' #justsaying

keithy73
I love American made shows set in Britain like #williamandkate. Has anyone shouted "wanker" yet?

Yeloop
When is Wikipedia going to be updated with all the new facts we have learned today?

hooflethroid
I've just realised the nice couple in this story have the same names as Prince William and Kate Middleton. How odd. 

FacePimp 
Obligatory Diana reference/flashback #tragic

Disco_Jesus
I know whenever i go camping in africa, i always take my chaise lounge and silverware with me

gaby_w
Best Green Screen EVER

Yeloop
WHEN DO THEY SING ACUNA MATATA? 

Ross_Lawson
I can't believe Kate went back to her home planet. 

rastansaga360
and i hear the sequel is being shown next Friday

I can't wait.

Now I Feel Bad

2011-04-11T22:31:00.007+01:00

So last week I was in some foreign country and I didn't take my camera most of the places I went because everybody's already taken a zillion photos of their Spanish holiday resort and honestly who wants to see even more of that crap unless they're planning to go there themselves and want to check it out first? But I did take my phone because now the EU's ordered the mobile phone companies to stop gouging their customers with "roaming charges" for taking their phones abroad when it costs the companies themselves a fucking pittance to interoperate? Not that I use the phone all that much for phone calls but I feel lost without Twitter and guess what? They still charge an arm and a leg for data, so I had to top up twice.

Anyway, I used the phone to take some snaps and post them to Twitpic, but of course this phone doesn't upload Twitpic photos because O2|Sony Ericson|Twitpic are assholes. So I had no way of knowing if the photos which I posted at great expense to Twitpic had actually arrived as sent until I sat down tonight at the PC to review them. Oh, fuck.

Someone did post a comment asking if I'd even checked my snap of Steamboat Willow because it was shit and I just blocked him out of force of habit, but it turns out he wasn't just being nasty. Steamboat Willow. Sorry.

As a special treat, here's another picture I took from the apartment.

Also, I tweeted most of what happened while I was away but there's no signal at 30,000 feet, so here's what you missed if you're on Twitter:


No signal? *Hyperventilates*

Reading Mrs F's magazine. Munter, munter, @ThisIsDavina, munter, @RealLorraine, munter, done. Bored now.

So we're five miles up, held aloft by the latest technology...why do the seat rows go 10, 11, 12, 14?

Seven quid for a baguette? What's on it, unicorn or griffin?

Coming over the Spanish coast now. I wonder if I left the gas on?

Everything on this flight costs extra. I hope if we crash, it's on land. Otherwise they'll be trying to sell us life-jackets.

The cabin crew are friendly but dead behind the eyes. They're speaking Spanish right now. I assume they're saying, "I hate my job".

We're coming in to Malaga. Or Mauritius. Or Morocco. Something beginning with "M". I suck at geography.

Then we had a holiday. Which was nice. And then...


Glad we checked in online, only had to queue 45 mins at the "bag drop" (check-in) desk.

Also? Incredible number of morons here with no grasp of the concept of "excess baggage" or "no bottled nitroglycerin".

Some twat has left their bag unattended. Bit wary to report it in case they evacuate the airport.

Yes, we would go back. As soon as they invent Star Trek type transporters.

That Was The Week, Was It?

2011-03-04T23:02:00.008Z

So I was reading Tired Dad's blog post about his top five most hated television programmes and I was tempted to join in, but my attention was caught by this highly-pertinent but almost throwaway comment:

Several people list that “fuckin 10 O’Clock Show shite” in their top five, and I briefly argue. But even I have to concede that I WANT to like it more than I ACTUALLY do.

And I know exactly what TD means. Every week, I tune in in the hope of watching some cutting-edge biting satire of the sort that hasn't really been seen since That Was The Week That Was, back in Olden Times (pre-Moon Landing). And every week I feel vaguely disappointed that it wasn't longer, that some bases weren't properly covered, that it was all a wee bit "shoddy".

But then, maybe my memories of TW3 have become sepia-tinted with age. After all, I was just a nipper and couldn't possibly have understood most of the jokes. On @10OClockLive it's remarkably similar. Jimmy Carr, for example, will make some hilarious double-entendre, listen to the first wave of laughter and then glance at his watch while the cognoscenti who "got it" right away explain the joke to their less clued-up companions...aaand there goes the second wave.

And a live news show is always going to be shoddy; it's the whole point. Some items are literally thrown in at the last minute, which is every editor's worst nightmare, never mind stand-up comedians.

Still, I do feel that the presenters are letting off lightly the politicians who deign to appear on the show, ready to be cross-examined by some posh bloke from Oxbridge. Sometimes it seems it's David Mitchell who's being hung on the ropes by media-savvy, well-coached, silver-tongued weasel-word merchants. Or perhaps producers are afraid that if he were to really lay into them, the supply may suddenly dry up. Time will tell.

Lauren Laverne makes very pleasant eye-candy, but other than that she seems to be very much the token female. Appearing in just one short prerecorded sketch per week, she spends the rest of the time trying to keep her boys under control long enough to go to an ad break. Maybe Jo Brand could show her how it's done?

Of course the star of the show has to be that lucky bastard who married Konnie Huq. Charlie Brooker has taken to live satire like a duck to bird-flu. All of his own segments appear to be well-rehearsed, coherent and relevant, while he joins in the group discussions with carefully-constructed snippets of wisdom. I want to be him when I grow up.

The show as a whole just doesn't seem to fit into it's ample 65-minute slot. Maybe that's down to the ad breaks, but at least they stop any one item from tying up the whole programme.

Oh well, three months to go. I'm sure it'll all mesh together by the end of the run.

And That's Why I Never Insure With Domestic & General

2011-02-25T22:34:00.012Z

Earlier this month, I received a letter from Domestic & General Insurance.

"Dear Sir," it began, quoting a reference number, "Further to your recent communication regarding the above agreement."

I thought this was a mite odd, considering that I make a point of not using their services, ever, and certainly hadn't communicated with them recently.

The letter went on to explain why the agreement I don't have with them had been cancelled.

Curiouser and curiouser.

Then I checked the Direct Debit mandate which they had helpfully attached, and all became clear.

Clear as mud, to be honest.

The signature didn't even remotely resemble mine.

Come to think of it, neither did the name, address, bank, sort-code or account number.

Although, on closer inspection, the quoted reference number was only one digit different from the one in the letter.

Ah.

At that point I picked up the phone and called their customer support number, which only took a couple of button-presses to put me through to their complaints department, where a very articulate young chap answered immediately, listened attentively to my explanation of why I felt his company was in breach of the Data Protection Act, interjected only to say that my reference number was for a make of appliance I haven't even owned in ten years, then apologised profusely and politely suggested that I score through the letter, write "return to sender" across it, attach a note explaining what I'd just told him, pop it in the enclosed envelope and stick it in the post, which I promptly did.

And I thought that was the end of it.

Until.

This week, I received another letter from Domestic & General.

Oh, how nice, I thought. They've taken the time to send me a written apology. Yay.

As it turned out, not so much.

"Dear Sir," it began, quoting a reference number, "Further to your recent communication regarding the above agreement."

My heart sank.

It was the same letter.

Had it fallen through a wormhole in the space-time continuum?

Well, no, because it was stapled to my letter to them, their original, scored-through letter to me and the same Direct Debit mandate.

Fuckwads.

I quite enjoy a game of ping-pong, so I'm sending the entire set of correspondence back to D&G. Only this time I'm sending a copy to the person named on the Direct Debit mandate so that they know why their appliance isn't insured.

And another copy to the Data Protection Registrar.

Because that's how I roll.

Every Time I Sit Down To Write A New Blog Post, I Get Distracted By The Bloggess

2011-02-21T21:57:00.003Z

Not that this post is about Jenny; it's actually about something I saw in the news today - and I've just remembered what it was.

The UK has a census coming up and in that census, there is precisely one question that's voluntary - "What's your religion"?

The last time around, 390,000 people put "Jedi".

This year, I'm joining them. *You must do the same.

It's not as much of a protest as sitting in Tahrir Square chanting, "Mubarak must go", but it's a start.

What are they going to do - blow up a planet to bring us into line?

Or perhaps they'll offer us a choice between death and something else.

* Old Jedi mind trick.

Do As We Say, Not As We Do, Urges UK Government

2011-02-10T19:47:00.004Z

So the House of Commons has just voted to flout the law as laid down by the European Court of Human Rights. The vote was 234 to 22 in favour - a 99% majority according to innumerate Tory MP David Davis.

With such fine, upstanding citizens as these telling us that it's ok to pick and choose which laws we can ignore, is it any wonder there are so many prisoners behind bars in the first place?

Now excuse me, I'm just nipping off to burgle my MP's second home while he's down in London - assuming he's not simply fiddling his expenses. Again.

Don't Give Up

2011-01-25T22:39:00.000Z

When you look up at the top of a stunning waterfall and catch yourself thinking, "That would be a good place to jump from".

When you're slicing bread and you realise how easy it would be to open your wrists.

When you take a walk along the waterfront on a stormy day, with the salty wind whipping your hair while the surf hurls itself against the seawall, and you idly wonder if they'd ever find your body.

When you're terrified to be left alone in the house in case of what you might do to yourself.

Don't be too afraid to ask for help.

If Anybody's Going To Show Underage Girls With Their Tits Out, It Should Be Us, Rants Murdoch Empire

2011-01-23T20:42:00.009Z

Rabid Murdoch mouthpiece Fox News was in paroxysms of rage after it transpired that MTV had set itself up in direct competition with Sky Filth by broadcasting a mediocre US remake of the British award-winning E4 series Skins.

The show, which airs after the 9pm watershed, aims to explore the trials and tribulations of a typical group of hot, young, randy teenagers in modern-day USA, featuring such diverse topics as sex, drugs, sex, pop music, sex, drugs and sex (sub - please check, I've never seen it).

Some interfering parents' group which doesn't know what an "off" switch is for has branded Skins as "the most dangerous show for children on television - unless you count that dodgy Icelandic show where the adult male lead gets way too up-close-and-personal with the cute kid. You know the one I mean."

The Dirty Digger's other major organ, The Sun, a national daily "newspaper" which prides itself on its long-running tradition of printing topless pictures of teenage girls, was unavailable for comment, as all of its "investigative journalists" were busy snorting coke off hookers' tits.

What Were They Thinking?

2011-01-21T20:21:00.007Z

There's a story in today's ParentDish about a head teacher who told his primary school kids that World War III had started, led them to a cellar and simulated a bomb explosion, then acted all surprised when they suffered nightmares about it.

Nobody in their right mind should subject young, impressionable children to that kind of mental torture. It's worse than exposing them to the X-Factor. Arguably. Depends how many weeks he kept them in their improvised bomb shelter. And how many of their classmates they had to eat before he 'fessed up.

I'm shocked, outraged and shocked.

Flashback

When we lived near the prison back in the '60s, we'd often play out in the street (this was before X-Boxes and Wiis and shit) with our pals, one of whom was four-year-old David. If one of Her Majesty's guests took an unscheduled leave of absence, they'd set off an alarm that sounded remarkably like an air raid siren. We took great delight in telling David that the Germans were coming and we'd have to run for cover. He's probably still in therapy now.

Er...

But we were only kids ourselves. A head teacher really should know better.

On the other hand, it's good practice for the Zombie Apocalypse.

Banned from the Co-op – Didn’t like shopping there anyway!

2011-01-20T19:53:00.004Z

Yesterday I was at my local Co-op buying a large bag Pedigree Chum dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Pedigree Chum Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Chum nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from the Co-op!

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends - it will be
their laugh for the day...

(Thanks to Jennifer for this tale)

Opposable Thumbs

2011-01-06T22:13:00.005Z

So I was reading about polydactyl kittens and I got to thinking about what it must have been like when the first ever human baby was born with opposable thumbs. All the other mothers must have been like, "Ew! That's disgusting! You should get those funny-looking fingers removed right away, they make your kid look like some kind of mutant!" And the baby's mum would be all, "I know, right? But I don't know any really good surgeons, first of all because we're in the stone age or whatever and surgery hasn't been invented yet, but more importantly none of them seem to able to wield a scalpel properly and I'm not letting any unqualified half-assed dinosaur butcher anywhere near my kid's hands - OMG! My son could be a doctor! I'm going to enroll him in medical school just as soon as I can figure out how to hold a pen to fill in the form. I'm so proud of little Johnny Two-Thumbs. He won't need to write with his mouth or his toes or whatever we're using right now, he can wrap his thumb right around the pen and hold it in his hand. Get me Fox News, we're gonna be rich!"

I'm pretty sure that's almost exactly how it went. Assuming pens had been invented.

Simply Redilculous

2010-12-05T23:34:00.003Z

Following disappointing ticket sales for his current farewell tour, Mick Hucknall has apologised to the 1,000 women he's slept with.

In related news, Victoria Beckham has apologised for all the amazing records she's released over the years and Justin Bieber has said sorry for being so butch.

In an outburst of ginger solidarity, Danny Alexander MP, better known by his stage name of Beaker off the Muppets, has jumped on the bandwagon and apologised for sleeping with Princess Leia, Wonder Woman, Xena Warrior Princess and celebrity vagina Katie Price.

When asked to comment, Miss Price said, "Who? Really? If anyone should apologise, it must be me. My only excuse is that I must have been completely off my tits to sleep with a ginger."

Tony Blair is expected to apologise for winning the Nobel Peace Prize any day now. Oh, wait.

Glorious colours

2010-11-30T20:32:00.001Z

Glorious colours
Originally uploaded by Farty's Photos

I took some photos today at Edinburgh's Botanic Gardens in the snow. See the least worst ones on Flickr.

X Factor Drops Singing From Show

2010-11-21T22:28:00.010Z

In a move that has shocked absolutely no-one, X Factor producers have announced that contestants will no longer be required to sing on the show. Not even miming like the celebrity guests plugging their new singles.

It is widely believed that the reason behind the move is to make more time available for Simon Cowell to pontificate about Louis Walsh's absolute and total lack of any musical taste whatsoever. Not to mention his rapidly-darkening hair colour, whiny voice and propensity to go off on one at the slightest provocation.

Insiders on the show have also pointed out the potential savings to be made by not having to pay any royalties to copyright holders, but since Cowell's record company, Sony BMG, already owns every song ever written, past, present and future, this theory has been widely discounted.

Former Pop Idol winner and Girls Aloud member Cheryl Cole, who has previously mimed live on the show herself, is said to be delighted at the news, as it gives her the opportunity to spend even more time fighting with the other judges and verbally abusing the contestants in front of the cameras.

Irish judge Louis Walsh, who manages Westlife, Boyzone and some pop groups, is understood to be disappointed that he will no longer be able to pull out his rulebook and claim that Cher's song wasn't actually a Beatles number as it was a solo hit for John Lennon.

Critics were quick to point out that the change will allow people with the musical ability of a dead sheepdog to win the show, but hurriedly withdrew their objections when they noticed that karate expert Wagner was standing staring at them.

Sparkling Belongs To Me

2010-11-10T21:50:00.006Z

So I was reading The Bloggess when I came across a post about someone called Jamie Cullum. Or was it Cullen? Anyway, this Gollum bloke seems to feature in some very popular films¹. And there seems to be a feck of a lot of sparkling going on in them.

Which is a bit odd, because I always thought that when vampires were exposed to direct sunlight, it made them fade like a cheap pair of curtains.

Not that I know very much about vampires; when I first read Dracula, I thought that the description of men and women dancing around in the catacombs, "naked to the waist", meant that their bottom halfs were naked. Be more specific, Stoker! (Shakes fist)

Any road up, my memory was jogged into something I wrote in this very blog a few years back. And guess what? I own the word sparkling! It only cost me a pound at the time, but now it's going to make me a gazillionaire!²

So pony up, Twilight fans. Every time you use the word "sparkling", you owe me, oh, let's not be greedy, how about a penny? (Rubs hands)

Ka-Ching!

1- That's "movies" if you're a Merkan.
2 - Not a real word.

I Have A Terrible Feeling Of Déjà Vu

2010-10-18T21:26:00.007+01:00

Jenny the Bloggess has retired to her chambers to concentrate on her magnum opus.

Again.

I can picture her now: seated at her writing desk with a goose quill in her hand, her faithful hound Barnaby Jones Pickles seated at her feet (artistic licence), a huge powdered wig perched atop her head with bottles of Xanax and vodka secreted away in its hidden depths. A sheet of parchment gradually filling with elegant curlicued copperplate as she channels the spirit of Nancy W. Kappes, paralegal.

You go, girl!

World Trade Centre to Relocate to Scotland

2010-10-07T22:44:00.010+01:00

Under ambitious new plans announced to the press today, a new World Trade Centre is to be built in the heart of Bonnie Scotchland. The noo.

The World Trade Centre Association (WTCA) has granted Embra toon cooncil a licence to waste even more money on top of what's already been squandered on the Parliament building and the fecking trams. The cooncil believes the site close to both Embra airport and the global HQ of RBS is an ideal target for terrorists.

Cooncillor Shuggy McNumpty declared that the original licence was to catch crabs in the Water of Leith, but with the aid of a crayon this had been amended to grant full permission to build a bothy close to the site of the Royal Highland Show.

Artist's Impression

It is hoped that the new WTC would rival Great Britain's only other site in Hull.

Ownership of the licence would be reassigned just as soon as someone mental enough to think this plan might work can be found, although last night Donald Trump was unavailable for comment.

Just You Wait And See

2010-10-05T21:23:00.004+01:00

So yesterday Norman Wisdom passed away, age 95. Apparently his mental health had been failing for some time, and this was suitably reflected in a number of tributes wrongly attributing him as co-writer of There'll Be Bluebirds Over The White Cliffs of Dover. To be fair, that is what his Wikipedia entry said at the time the lazy journalists looked it up, but to be harsh, they shouldn't believe everything they read on the internets.

For those of you not familiar with Twitter, ~~what's it like in the Stone Age?~~ here are some more Norman Wisdom "facts".

rpcompaneros
#NormanWisdomFacts Norman Wisdom invented toothpaste
»
Mr Farty
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman played Gort in the original movie The Day The Earth Stood Still. His visor was operated by a trained gerbil.
»
TheCockOfJesus
#NormanWisdomFacts He thought Albania was an affliction affecting hair colour and eye sight.
»
TheConnArtist
#NormanWisdomFacts He thought Albania was a shithole.
»
rpcompaneros
#NormanWisdomFacts Wisdom once climbed Everest, Mount Fuji and Ben Nevis. This was collectively known as the Norman Conquests
»
Mr_Neurosceptic
#NormanWisdomFacts Norman's brother Saxon wasn't famous for anything. He did try to invent waterproof cardigans for cats. They failed.
»
RANTINGMALE
#normanwisdomfacts he used the alias of big_norm and won the 2008 UK online poker championship, but gave his purse to a squirrel sanctuary
»
BertSwattermain
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman was 6'3", but he insisted on hiring basketball teams as his entourage.
»
rantyman
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman was runner up in the 1937 series of X-Factor, losing out to a troupe of Morris Dancing gerbils
»
Mr_McChin
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman founded Lidl as he was sick of paying full price for Bratwurst.
»
BertSwattermain
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman was the stunt co-ordinator for the PG Tips chimp adverts.
»
BertSwattermain
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman was the recently fired drummer in Lordi. It broke his heart and he never recovered.
»
Rantyman
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman's famous cap was woven from the carefully collected pubic hairs of his wife
»
MrFarty
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman Wisdom invented cheese.
»
Mr_McChin
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman was the only man to successfully scale Jo Brand.
»
Mr_McChin
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman was known to his mates as 'old green bollock'.
»
MrFarty
#NormanWisdomfacts Norman Wisdom won the 1982 Nobel Prize for ending the war between ghosts and zombies.
»
Mr_Neurosceptic
#normanwisdomfacts "The Sandwich Man" is the only film available on DVD in North Korea.
»
Mr_Neurosceptic
#normanwisdomfacts Norman Wisdom had three ribs removed so he could suck his own Y-fronts.
»
Mr_Neurosceptic
#normanwisdomfacts Norman Wisdom turned down the role of Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver because he only had a license to drive a lawnmower.
»
Mr_Neurosceptic
#normanwisdomfacts Zookeepers used to show chimpanzees Norman Wisdom films to stop them biting their toenails.

You're really not missing much.

Grampa

2010-09-22T23:23:00.000+01:00

I don't really remember Granny Ethel, except that at one point she was alive and at another, Grampa lived alone. There must have been a funeral and such, but either I wasn't invited or it's all blurred into insignificance.

Most of my memories of Grampa come in drips and draps, but what I do remember clearly is that whenever we visited him out in the colonies, Grampa always served us kids lime cordial and soda water from an old glass siphon as a special treat. It tasted terribly bitter but it made us feel very privileged to be waited upon like that, so we always drank it all up. I don't recall if we were ever allowed to operate the trigger on the siphon ourselves, but somehow I doubt it.

Grampa had red hair, combed back from his forehead - which, now I come to think of it, is how I wear mine, including the ever-increasing bald patch, but so far free of liver spots. I think I have Grampa to thank for my little-remaining-hair-not-turning-grey genes.

Of course the one, truly lasting memory was of the fucking enormous tigerskin rug sprawled across the floorboards in his living room. It had a fearsome snarl permanently frozen on its face, and its staring glass eyes had us absolutely terrified. Grampa would smile and pat it on the head reassuringly, but I was too scared of those long, sharp teeth.

If there were any bullet holes in it, you'd think I'd remember that, right? Nope. I guess he must have strangled it to death with his bare hands then. Grampas are awesome like that.

I'm reminded of Grampa every time I look at my mouse mat, for some reason.

Another Highland Wedding

2010-09-13T21:37:00.013+01:00

So if you've been following me on Twitter - and if not, why not? - you'll know that I've been up to Grantown-on-Spey for a wedding at the weekend. A jolly good time was had by all, although I didn't get to take quite as many photos as last year. And somehow totally failed to get a single one of my grand-daughter, despite her being a flower girl, le sigh.

The bride, groom and some parents at Abernethy Church. Now I want a biscuit.

Flower girls always look lovely, don't you think? Even when they're up to mischief.

Cutting the cake. Mmmm, cake. This one was baked by the groom's gran (see top photo) and cost over £200 to make, most of which went on booze. Must remember to ask for the recipe.

There's no point trying to get them to pose, so why not do the opposite and catch them in their natural state?

We're married now and there's nothing you can do about it!

I think she's just spotted the car. Ooer.

Already planning her own wedding. It'll be a blast!

Feeling the Heat

2010-09-09T20:30:00.002+01:00

The fine city of Edinburgh hasn't always been the pristine jewel in Scotchland's crown that you see today. Situated slap bang on top of a coal seam, it's perfectly sited to take advantage of Nature's bounty with a roaring fire in every house, sometimes every room, for centuries. Not for nothing is the town still affectionately *cough* known as Auld Reekie.

Well, until the Clean Air Act and all that, when coal fires were banned in the city and we were all forced onto gas or that new-fangled "electricity". Some of us got quite a shock when the sand-blasters started their decades-long clean-up program on our buildings and we discovered that the natural colour of sandstone isn't black, as we'd assumed, but sandy. So what follows must have happened sometime before the switch.

There I am, sitting by the fire in the living room reading a book that I have bought with my own money. In walks my brother. Perhaps he's just been stung by a bee, or maybe he's on his period. Whatever the reason for his bad temper, he walks up to me, snatches the book from my hands, rips out the last several pages and throws them on the fire!

Well, it was all a long time ago and I've forgotten not only what that book was called, let alone who wrote it, but it still irks me that I was prevented from finding out how it ended by a selfish, insensitive twat. However, with any luck I'll come across another copy one day so no spoilers please. I'd like to find out for myself if his Merrie Men managed to spring Jesus from jail.

New Animal Cruelty Outrage as Sickening Video Reveals Bloodthirsty Mounted Thugs Killing Baby Fox to Death with Devil Dogs

2010-08-31T22:55:00.000+01:00

In a not-very-new twist to the woman-puts-cat-in-bin story, morons were furious today to learn that upper-class thugs on horseback had posted videos on the internet some years ago of themselves hunting down and killing foxes before it was outlawed in the UK.

Tally-Ho!

The videos clearly show dozens of "huntsmen", as they like to call themselves, dressed in garish outfits and blowing a variant of deafening vuvuzelas while riding their bloodthirsty steeds over fences and across farmers' crops in pursuit of helpless baby foxes.

Their devil dog beagles then go in for the kill, ripping the victims to pieces in a bloodbath of blood and guts. To see the full video in high definition, visit payperview.morons.com.

Facebook

Self-styled animal rights campaigners had already formed several Facebook vigilante groups before learning that the videos were shot before fox hunting was outlawed in England in 2004. "But that's not going to stop us," ranted Frank Mental of Bermondsey in Essex. "We will do whatever we can to bring these monsters to justice!"

One of the huntsmen tracked down by our intrepid reporters, Sir William Fitztightly, explained, "That was all a very long time ago in a different day and age. Everyone was doing it then, so of course we just followed along like sheep. Of course we would never do something as cruel and heartless nowadays. At least not until the fox hunting ban is repealed."

A local farmer then advised us to "Get off my land" before levelling a shotgun at us, so we made our excuses and left.

Outrage Over Health Claims For Water

2010-08-18T20:50:00.009+01:00

Medical professionals were outraged today over claims that water might be "good for you".

In an article posted last week on the highly-regarded medical journal The Internet, it was claimed that the chemical compound H₂O, commonly known as "water", could confer miraculous health benefits, including thirst relief, moisturising and even a reduction in the amount of skin bacteria.

"I'm outraged," said Dr. Malik Singh of Harley Street, London. "These claims are totally spurious and unsupported by any big-pharma financed, long-term, double-blind, highly lucrative clinical trial. This substance must be regarded as potentially dangerous until proper doctors have been paid a fortune to conduct and publish a peer-reviewed study that no-one will bother to read."

The author of the article, Joe Mumble, was unrepentant, claiming that H₂O was perfectly safe when diluted repeatedly with itself to the point where less than one molecule of the original substance remained per litre of water. "Furthermore, when just one glass of this is taken with a handful of antiviral drugs, it can definitely help reduce the symptoms of both HIV and AIDS. On its own, not so much."

An NHS administrator who wished to remain anonymous explained, "While this substance has admittedly been in use in NHS hospitals for decades, its primary function has always been seen as an industrial solvent. It's also used in small, carefully-controlled quantities as a sterilizing agent for surgical instruments, but our clinicians are always very careful to remove all traces of it with a greasy cloth before use in the theatre. I certainly wouldn't recommend drinking the stuff, I'd rather pour raw bleach down my throat."

X Factor Winner Joe McElderry Comes Out As Geordie

2010-08-01T21:23:00.007+01:00

Gay singing sensation Joe McElderry has left the showbiz world stunned with the shock revelation that he is a Geordie.

"Why, man," said Joe yesterday, "it's never reely occurred to me befoah, like, but I were just thinking aboot it when I were standing in G.A.Y. with me boyfriend supping a pint of Newky Brown. I heupe it doesn't affect me relationship with me fans, y'knaa."

Until now, Joe has steadfastly denied being a Geordie, claiming that he was born in Outer Mongolia, "Where everyone smoke tabs aal the time, man pet man." But after his Twitter account was hacked by pranksters, he was forced to come clean. He said that he found his decision to come out "reet liberating, like" and that he could now "be Northern".

He revealed he once went out without a coat before going on the X Factor but says he never thought more about it until recently.

The 19-year-old X Factor winner came out just a week after telling his mentor, Cheryl Cole. "Why, I were gutted, at forst, like," admitted the former Girls Aloud member. "I felt betrayed and humiliated, like when wor fans found oot tha' Nadine were the only one in our group who could actually sing live. The bitch."

Fans of the gurning teenager have expressed their full support. 16-year-old Tracy Sherman of Chelmsford explained, "When you've heard some of the godawful shit coming out of the mouths of the other X Factor finalists, a Geordie accent is the least of your worries. After all, it's not as if he's Scottish. Er, he's not, is he?"

Leading X Factor judge Simon Cowell said, "I'm going to be honest. I'll do absolutely anything to get a new record to the top of the charts, but having to back another fucking Northerner makes me sick in my mouth." This slip of the tongue has led to frenzied speculation about which of Cowell's other protégées may have been from the Newcastle area. So far, Fleet Street's finest have drawn a complete blank.

Joe's debut album is due to be released this October, after which everyone will promptly forget he ever existed.

East Fortune Airshow 2010

2010-07-24T23:35:00.006+01:00

So this time we remembered to bring folding chairs, so that we didn't a) crick our necks looking up all the time or b) get wet off the grass. I took 300 photos and videos, mostly of empty sky, wingtips, exhaust smoke or trees. Of the rest, these are the least worst.

As usual, click to embiggen.

Vampire

Russian Red Arrows

Spitfire

Wing Walkers

Wing Walkers (video)

The Tale of the Missionary and the Black Sheep

2010-07-21T21:21:00.002+01:00

A missionary gets sent into deepest, darkest Africa. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read and write, and about the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin, "Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!"

One day the wife of the Village Chief gives birth to a white child.

The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk to the missionary.

"You taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here is a black women who gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!"

The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a rare, but natural occurrence. It's called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See there a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black sheep. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief pauses for a moment and then says, "Tell you what, my friend, you say nothing about the black sheep, and I'll say nothing about the white child!"

Edward Cullen Eat Your Undead Heart Out

2010-07-11T22:19:00.009+01:00

So this week, young, almost teenage girls have been falling over each other to get some of my precious bodily fluids.

They've been very, very persistent, sending me letters, begging me to come and pay them a visit.

And when I eventually arrived, they were clamouring around me in their short, white skirts and tight blouses, demanding to know every little thing about me.

"What do they call you, handsome?"

"What's your star sign?" ¹

"Hey, do you operate, you know, heavy machinery?" They get totally turned on by that.

"So, where do you take your holidays? San Francisco? Equatorial Africa? Anywhere that's had a recent outbreak of a communicable disease?"

"Man, have you done any good shit lately? Smack, crack, anything involving needles, basically?"

And then they got really personal, asking about my sex life and that. Not so much about all the prostitutes I'd murdered but whether I'd had unprotected sex with them, either before, during or after.

Then they gently laid me down and I barely felt the tiny, sharp sting as they began to suck out my lifeblood and I slipped into a daze...

Next thing I knew, I was sipping a nice cuppa tea with my chocolate Hobnobs.

Best thing about it? Not an angst-ridden Twilight fan in sight.

¹ Technically, "What's your date of birth?" But anybody can work out your star sign from that, right? Right.

Computer Terms Illustrated

2010-06-29T22:32:00.012+01:00

Haven't done this for a while. Honest, these are all genuine computer terms.

API

Enterprise Architecture

Micro

Polling

Proxy(sp?) Server

Spoofing

Escape Characters

Pipe

Tar

There's also Shell, of course. Think I'll save that for later.

Down By The River

2010-06-22T20:04:00.012+01:00

So as my Twitter followers will know, I went for a stroll down by the Water of Leith yesterday, watched the pretty birdies and broke the first rule of photography - didn't take my camera. #headslap

To make up for it, I went back today with camera in hand and took a few snaps.

As usual, click to embiggen.

Water of Leith

Heron>

Swan

Swan closeup

Another Heron

Duck

Wallflowers

The only thing that spoiled it for me was trying to get a shot without the assorted prams, bicycles and shopping trolleys that have been discarded in the river over the years by gormless vandals.

Gormless

Toot toot!

Shit My Dad Said

2010-06-17T20:02:00.005+01:00

Some time ago.

Dad worked on the top floor of a four-storey telephone exchange. There were no lifts (elevators), but the exercise he got from climbing the stairs every morning was still preferable to the drenching he'd regularly received while fixing junction boxes in the streets of Edinburgh.

Be that as it may.

One day, a uniformed police officer turned up by his desk, puffing and wheezing.

"Good day, my good man," or words to that effect, said the filth. "Would that be your car parked on the pavement downstairs, only it's causing an obstruction?"

"Would that be the silver Bentley?" asked Dad innocuously. Dad never drove in his life.

"Ah, no sir," replied the pig. "It's a blue Ford Escort. Sorry to have disturbed you."

And off he went.

Five minutes later, with much pounding on the stairs, the rozzer was back, gasping for breath this time. "Sir! Sir! There's no silver Bentley down there!"

"Oh, my God, it's been stolen!" Sharp as a pin, was Dad.

So then he made poor PC Plod go back down again, have another look to make sure, come back up and prepare to take a statement before declaring, "Ah, wait, the wife said she would be taking it today to fetch the shopping."

He would have loved Robin Cooper.

Roaming In The Gloaming

2010-06-01T22:45:00.001+01:00

So I noticed that this week my sex change was commented on in Scottish Roundup, juxtaposed with the most excellent Scotland In The Gloaming. Seriously, I'm not worthy, but that won't stop me ~~nicking their name~~ linking to them for this post.

Be that as it may, I was at a "do" up near Bathgate a couple of weeks ago on one of the few days it didn't rain. A professional photographer had warned me not to bother taking my camera, since there was nothing to see but scenery. Yes, of course I ignored him. Was it worth it? You decide.

Distant Lake
Those cows totally knew I was there.

Walking At Sunset

Roaming In The Gloaming

Through A Glass, Darkly
I rather enjoyed climbing over the wall to get this picture with the sun directly behind the lamp.

Stay With Me Till Dawn

Sunset Over The Loch
Well, I say 'loch'. 'Artificial reservoir' doesn't have quite the same ring to it.

My Red Dress

2010-05-26T23:45:00.000+01:00

I've been up to Hillend a few times to practice skiing, but I'd always planned to just walk up with the camera one day and take some nice photos of my home town. Then life happened and what with one thing and another, that day never came.

Yesterday, however, I found myself on holiday, with no fixed plans, beautiful weather, a new camera and a free morning. So I thought, "Bugger it, I'm off!"

Hopping on the bus, I started up Twitter on my phone and the very first tweet I saw was one from Chookooloonks about how to improve your photography. That led me to her blog, where I was momentarily sidetracked by a stunning photoset of Jenny The Bloggess wearing a red dress in a cemetery. Yeah.

Jenny's own post on the same subject would have prompted me to take this trip if I wasn't already there. Spooky coincidence, innit?

As always, click on any photo to embiggen and feel free to copy for non-commercial purposes.

Bluebells. Aren't they lovely? No, of course I didn't have to stop anyway to catch my breath.

Oh, looky! Someone's got a hang-glider!

The First Forth Bridge. To Fife.

A boat. And Fife. Again.

Arthur's Seat. And Fife. Sigh.

Top of the ski-tow. Practising skyline photos without ending up underexposed. Win.

North Berwick Law. Cockenzie power station in the foreground. No sign of Fife.

Edinburgh Castle. Pay no attention to the background.

Action shot of a skier going down.

Action shot of a hang-glider going up. Cheeky monkey.

Panorama of Edinburgh. This was stitched together in the camera from 3 separate photos. Isn't technology wonderful?

About this site. Robert Louis Stevenson was here.

That hang-glider again.

Gorse Bush. There's a lot of these around here. Hope that pilot can steer well. #spiky

And if you're still wondering about the title of this post, you haven't visited Jenny's blog. Go on!

FO Condemns "Despicable Cult"

2010-04-25T20:54:00.013+01:00

The Foreign Office has described as "despicable" a cult led by a former member of the Hitler Youth, according to a memo seen by Newsarse.

Nazi Piece of Work

German-born Joe Ratzinger, who leads a cult calling itself the Catholic Church, is reported to have turned down several offers to make his sect appear more tolerant and forgiving by carrying out some specially planned activities during his next visit to the UK.

One proposal suggested that the "Pontiff" could open an abortion clinic, a move which would undoubtedly have reduced the number of unwanted pregnancies in the country and indeed around the world.

Another idea put forward in the same vein would have seen the launch of "Benedict condoms", which were also intended to reduce the spread of "Bad AIDS". These would have been of crucial importance to leading members of his own establishment, known as "priests" and "bishops", whose duties include bumming choirboys and orphans.

A Joke Too Far

A Foreign Office spokesman who wished to remain anonymous said of the declined offer, "We invite someone into our country - a person like the Pope - and then he treats us in this way. I think it's appalling manners more than anything else.

"The whole idea of a church that rejects giving aid to people who suffer from AIDS is, quite simply, a joke that has gone too far".

The Bishop of Nottingham said he did not think Catholics would be upset by the memo as they "are used to getting a bad press".

"Just look at that whole Torquemada business," added Bishop McMahon. "He used to strike fear and terror into the hearts of the unfaithful, but you can't even mention the Spanish Inquisition these days without some wag yelling, 'Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!'"

Pope Should FO

Many leading mandarins in the Foreign Office have privately expressed the view that instead of wasting £20million on the proposed visit, their own bonuses and pensions should be topped up while the old Nazi fucks off back to Italy.

Wedding Photos

2010-04-17T23:27:00.011+01:00

I couldn't take my camera with me, but still managed a few before we left for the church and received some from guests. The official ones will probly be copyright or that.

Princess

Flower Girls

Necklace

Father & Bride

Mother & Bride

Bride, Groom & Chief Bridesmaid

Classy

Gaining A Son

2010-04-12T23:06:00.008+01:00

So. Little Miss Farty is no more; now it's Mrs Drummer.

The service went very well, flower girls strew petals down the aisle as I led my daughter to meet her new husband. She didn't recoil in shock when she saw his face, which I took as a good sign.

The minister said a few words: when it came to the "any lawful impediment" part, he didn't even pause to draw breath; you don't want to take any chances with these things.

Rings were exchanged and the deed was done.

A quick pause outside for photos and then Mr & Mrs D headed down to Arthur's Seat for the scenic shots while the hoi polloi were carted off in a coach. Meanwhile the ladies and I climbed into the stretch limo and relaxed as we were transported in comfort and luxury to a classy hotel just outside the city.

Spacious grounds, sunny weather, hardly a breath of wind - hard to believe a week ago it was snowing here. A leisurely drink before the bride and groom arrived, then a blitz of photos. To everyone who asked, "But where's your own camera?", I replied that I had absolute trust in the professional photographer. Which left me free to get pissed.

The hotel staff were friendly and efficient, showing us all the way to our room. A bicycle would have helped: getting there involved negotiating a maze of twisty little passages, all different.

With the meeting and greeting out of the way, a kilted piper serenaded the happy couple into the wedding breakfast. Butternut soup, roast lamb or chicken, followed by sticky toffee pudding were all on the menu but first! The speeches.

Yes, I did do the bit about rising from a warm seat with a bit of paper in my hand (thanks to Non-Working Monkey for that), right through to my daughter being the reigning SE Scotchland Farmville Champion, which got a laugh from everyone under thirty and puzzled looks from everyone else.

And then got totally outclassed by the Best Man speech with accompanying slideshow. Grr!

Missed the first dance as Mrs F and I were up in our room trying to get our granddaughter, Princess Farty, settled. Not. Going. To. Happen. Eventually mum and dad arrived, picked her up and took her down to show her off to the guests. They were suitably impressed that at eight months she was dancing to All The Single Ladies, even though she can't walk yet.

There was a special request from Mr & Mrs D just for me - Westlife singing Amazing. Which was quite thoughtful, considering that they know full well I can't stand the talentless Irish coverband. I'm already plotting my revenge. Patience.

Three little old ladies turned up - I didn't see them arrive, but surmised that they had come by broomstick. I swear I heard one say, "When will we three meet again?"

And once we'd said goodbye to the last of the guests, and made our way back to our room, we found that we'd forgotten to pack Mrs F's underwear, my pajamas, her nightie, my jeans, any toothbrushes...as you do.

Slept soundly, then up at the crack of ten o'clock just in time for a quick shower before a fab breakfast with the folks who had stayed the night. Still wearing the kilt (see above), but combined with a t-shirt because I'm classy.

Cadged a lift home, opened the door to a bombsite. "Oh, my God, we've been burgled again!" wailed Mrs F. "No, wait. This is how we left it yesterday. Oh, lordy!"

Fast forward to Monday, where just as I was about to return my kilt to the hire shop, daughter-in-law dropped off her sons' outfits with an abject, "Sorry about the vomit." Lovely.

Oh, and if you were wondering if anything is worn under the kilt? See the labels below.

A Watched Pot Never Boils - The Mythbusters Test

2010-04-05T22:37:00.007+01:00

Did I ever mention I'm an award-winning animator? I am, but this isn't an animation. Sorry.

Psychiatrists 'Worse Than Useless', Psychiatric Study Shows

2010-03-10T20:46:00.002Z

A new study in The Lancet has proven what many of us have suspected for years: criminally insane nutjobs have been blagging their way back out of secure units into 'scare in the community' programs by 'telling lies' to their psychiatrists.

Typical phrases seen over and over in the psychiatric evaluation reports include: "I feel fine now, doctor", "No, really, it was just that one episode" and "I hardly ever get the urge nowadays to run amok with a meat cleaver in the local shopping centre".

Closer examination of the data leads to the earth-shattering conclusion that out of 2500 violent lunatics who went on the rampage after their release, all of them without exception would, if locked up indefinitely, have only been able to harm themselves or other schizos. Who don't count.

Shrinks have been quick to defend their profession, claiming that they never expected loons to be able to string more than a few words together, never mind come up with a coherent argument for why they should be allowed near sharp objects.

"So tell me again," said leading trick-cyclist Albrecht Schadenfroher, "what's this thing you call a 'lie'? I can't quite get my head around it."

How Embarrassing Is That?

2010-02-28T00:00:00.002Z

I forgot my own 3rd blogoversary. *hangs head in shame*

I guess that makes it official - I suck at blogging.

If you want to keep up with me - which I promise won't be hard, cos I am really slow on the uptake - follow me on Twitter.

kthxbai

If you're not into baby photos just move along. kthxbai

2010-02-23T20:27:00.011Z

Some pictures from Princess Farty's Christening on Sunday in Edinburgh's Canongate Kirk. Where the Queen goes for her churchery when she's in toon, ye ken. Tres posh.

Gran & Grandad
Proud parents
A wee hug from a cousin

Just saw the sun on this clock and took a photo. The light is over the door of the pub where we celebrated afterwards.

Royal Mile

Scientists Hate Cats

2010-02-12T23:30:00.008Z

It's true and I can prove it.

Schrödinger's Cat

experiment

Einstein's Cat

pulling its tail

The Bloggess's Buttered Cat

threw it off the roof

Anyway, scientists - proper scientists - always use cats in their experiments and the reason for this is that scientists hate cats. Probably because cats keep destroying their laboratories with their laser eyes.
Pew! Pew!

Q.E.D.

Internet Driving Test

2010-02-05T20:25:00.003Z

So Microsoft's chief strategy officer, Craig Mundie, reckons we should only be allowed on the intertubes if we have an internet driving licence.

I believe this is an absolutely ~~brainless~~ brilliant idea. We can use it to stop those pesky kids from getting online to download free music, play their Mafia World, Café Wars, Farmville and crap so that we can get on with the important business of Twittering.

Er...

Anyway, obviously, to obtain such a licence you'll need to pass some kind of test to prove your suitability to surf. Perhaps it would look something like this:

Internet Driving Test - Theory

Which of the following may cause loss of concentration in a long browsing session?

Mark three answers.

Engaging in a flamewar with trolls

Playing Farmville

Putting a cassette tape in the CD drive

Stopping regularly to reboot

Two girls, one cup

Anti-spam filters prevent your inbox from overflowing. This means the users are less likely to

Mark one answer.

See their browser freeze up

Get their PC infected with a trojan

Catch a virus

Get followed by a p0rnbot

See ~~too much~~ enough p0rn

Before starting an internet session it is wise to plan which sites to visit. How can you do this?

Mark one answer.

Look at Google Maps

Switch on your GPS

Look in an atlas

Type "p0rn" in the search box and hit "I Feel Lucky"

What percentage of all internet traffic does p0rn account for?

Mark one answer.

The fluid level in your coffee cup is low. What should you top it up with?

Mark one answer.

Warm milk

Distilled water

Coffee

Two girls, one cup

How can you tell if your PC is infected with a virus?

Mark two answers.

The hard drive make a rumbling noise

The hard drive make hardly any noise

The hard drive stops and goes into reverse

You get a popup offering free anti-virus software

Your PC starts opening multiple windows with links to p0rn sites

What is the most common cause of crashing?

Mark one answer.

Spam

User error

Other users

Internet Explorer

P0rn

An End User Licence Agreement is normally valid for

Mark one answer.

Three days after the date you accept it

10Mb of browsing

One year after the date you accept it

300Gb of browsing

Surfing p0rn sites

Antivirus packages are fitted to make the

Mark two answers.

Computer slow down

Antivirus vendors richer

Browsers run smoothly

Viruses install more easily

What is the most likely cause of high disk activity?

Mark one answer.

Bloatware

Internet Explorer

Antivirus software

BitTorrent

Trojan viruses

P0rn

While on live TV, you receive an email from a co-worker with pictures of an Australian p0rn star. You should

Mark one answer.

Try not to react

Let them know how you feel

Smile for the cameras, you're going to be on YouTube!

Send them flame emails for the rest of your career/the day, whichever is longer

Stab them in the face over the internet

Wordless Wednesday

2010-02-03T22:16:00.001Z

Sky is Falling, Say Boffins

2010-01-20T21:01:00.005Z

Climatologists at the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) claim in their latest report that the sky is falling and everyone should run for cover before it comes crashing down.

This latest shock news comes hard on the heels of a warning from the same august body that Himalayan glaciers could disappear by 2035, based on an email interview with Indian glaciologist Syed Hasnain, published in New Scientist back in 1999.

However, this time the Nobel Prize-winning authors assert that they have "got it dead right this time", quoting from the highly respected scientific journal the Oxford Storybook, in a peer-reviewed article published by Ian Beck and colleagues titled "Chicken Licken".

In this nightmare scenario, Professor Beck describes in graphic detail with illustrations and everything how the Earth's atmosphere will suffer catastrophic collapse, bringing clouds, planes, weather balloons and birds down with it. Property damage alone is estimated to run into trillions of dollars. Smaller species of wildlife are expected to be wiped out in a mass extinction. Or eaten by wily foxes.

Critics are already describing the latest revelations as "alarmist", "wildly inaccurate", "hare-brained" and "can I have some of what he's smoking?"

Whale Meat Again*

2010-01-06T20:07:00.003Z

So. It looks like there was a wee contretemps in the Southern Ocean today. See how you do in my impromptu quiz.

1. The Japanese warship hit the Adi Gil because:
a) The powerboat was using advanced stealth technology, making it invisible.
b) The Japanese crew were busy looking for whales.
c) The powerboat accelerated directly into the path of the warship.

2. At the time of the collision, the Adi Gil was:
a) Completely stationery, honest.
b) Sailing directly away from the whaling fleet.
c) Steering towards the bow of the Japanese ship. As you do.

3. The conservation group's boat was:
a) Utterly destroyed, killing all aboard her.
b) Sunk without trace, drowning all the crew.
c) Holed, but otherwise still floating.

4. The Japanese are carrying out "scientific" whaling. They are trying to find:
a) Whether the whale population is at a sustainable size for commercial whaling to resume.
b) Any way around IWC rules on catching whales.
c) The tastiest recipe for whalemeat, yum!

* I had a better title, but forgot it. Sorry.

More of the White Stuff

2010-01-05T19:59:00.008Z

Edinburgh Botanical Gardens. In the snow.

To the Caff!

Spot the squirrel

Edinburgh skyline

Gap in the trees

That squirrel again.

Snow, Snow, Thick Thick Snow

2010-01-02T00:14:00.014Z

As the title of this blog says, it's better oot than in. So on New Year's Day I took my brand new camera out for it's first field test. The only processing I've done on these is cropping a couple to size. Click to embiggen and feel free to use as wallpaper etc. as long as it's not for commercial purposes.

Resolutions Revisited

2009-12-31T19:47:00.002Z

So, I just checked out my new year's resolutions from this time last year and guess what? Oh crap.

Last week I caught up on last year's Sunday Night Xmas Project. Still got months of other stuff still to see, including Pirates of the Caribbean 2 - yes, I've just seen 3, so I can guess who wins.

Still haven't used the digital photo frame - anybody want one? I really don't see the point.

Doctor Who gets to fight an old enemy tomorrow, so no change there then.

I now have a printer/scanner, which I've used more for printing than scanning. Sorry.

Blogroll. Oops. Just look at who I'm following on Twitter, it's far easier.

My resolution for 2010? 1152×864. I am such a geek.

Happy New Year!

We Did Warn You

2009-12-27T20:12:00.003Z

As has been reported heavily in the press, plane bomber Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab was reported to US authorities a good six months before the attack. Some insight into the Merkans' lack of enthusiasm to follow up the matter at the time can be gleaned from this copy of an email sent by the would-be bomber's father to the CIA:

Lagos, Nigeria.
Attention: The CIA.

Dear Sir,

Confidential Security Proposal

Having consulted with my family and based on the information received from Nigerian Secret Service, I have the privilege to request your assistance to transfer a Verified Member of Al Qaida into your custody. The above request resulted from many years of intelligence gathering, internet Deep Packet Inspection and other means which I cannot discuss in an open forum such as this with your good self in case of Eaves Dropping.

We are now ready to transfer the suspect overseas and that is where you come in. It is important to inform you that as a former Chairman of Nigeria's FirstBank, I and my family are forbidden to operate a foreign Bank Account; that is why we require your assistance. The total reward will be shared as follows: 70% for us, 25% for you and 5% for local and international expenses incidental to the renderition.

If you find this proposal acceptable, we shall require the following documents:

(a) your banker's name, telephone, account and fax numbers.

(b) your private telephone and fax numbers — for confidentiality and easy communication.

(c) your letter-headed paper stamped and signed.

Alternatively we will furnish you with the text of what to type into your letter-headed paper, along with a breakdown explaining, comprehensively what we require of you. The business will take us thirty (30) working days to accomplish.

Please reply urgently.

Best regards
Umaru Mutallab

Advent Calendar

2009-12-11T19:12:00.003Z

Today, I receive a pleasant surprise from an old friend. Allow me to share it
with you.

Cheers, Daffers! *hic*

A Scottish Wedding

2009-12-07T21:46:00.014Z

So. Yeah. I was asked to be the official photographer at a wedding in Dornoch this year. Cool, huh? See what you think. Click to embiggen etc.

Queen Faces Sacking

2009-11-17T19:38:00.006Z

The Queen was last night facing calls for her abdication after referring to a Labour politician as a "dreadful little oik" on her Facebook page.

Off With His Head

Her Majesty is believed to have called for the summary execution of Peter White, Labour candidate for Havering council, after a brief show trial for treason against the Crown.

"One cannot have these dreadful little oiks running around calling one a German parasite," said The Queen, 83. "Throw him in the Tower and make an example of him. Let's have him hung, drawn and quartered, like that Guy Fawkes chap, then hold a public holiday to celebrate the event. That would cheer one up immensely."

All Sound and Fury

Mr C. Windsor, a resident of Clarence House, London, described Her Majesty's attitude as "totally unacceptable", insisting that "Mumsy, er, that is The Queen, should stand down and let me, er, someone more in touch with one's subjects, take his rightful place on the throne. And Camilla agrees."

Flying Colours

2009-11-12T23:07:00.004Z

At last the Red Arrows flying team have acquired a female member, hurrah!

It's tempting to say she's there to make the tea, or to pass a comment about women drivers, but honestly, I'm very impressed.

You go, girl!

Priceless

2009-11-11T23:13:00.000Z

So. After the burglary, we found the bedroom strewn with the contents of the filing cabinet, which we hastily threw into a couple of boxes for later sorting. Which is what I've been doing today.

What a load of junk.

Receipts dating back to 1998, guarantees long since expired, instructions for a Soda Stream FFS. Any amount of old credit card statements going back to the dawn of time (and yes, aware of identity fraud, I had the cards cancelled on Sunday night).

And then I found this letter. I don't normally put my name up in lights on the interwebs, but in this case I'll make an exception.

Opening it, I found this beautiful picture.

And turning it over, this important document.

Some thing are irreplaceable. Thank FSM he didn't get this.

Keep Your Shed Secure

2009-11-10T21:35:00.003Z

Those of you not on Twitter may not have been aware that Farty Towers was burgled over the weekend, hence the not-keeping-up-with NaBloPoMo. Sorry.

Yes, they caught him and no, it was too late, he'd already sold our stuff. Jewellery, camera, ice axe (really), baby clothes (WTF?), booze. Weird thing was he'd picked up and moved, unopened, a bag labelled "Barclays Diamonds" containing LMF and DB's wedding rings. Those are now in a bank vault.

Anyway, the Crime Prevention Officer was here today and as part of his security advice, mentioned that garden forks and that are handy tools for breaking into a house, so you need to keep your shed secure too.

On the leaflet he left with us it says, "Recommend hostile/aggressive plants around perimeter fences and boundary walls".

What do you reckon?

Farty's Friday Chart

2009-11-06T20:53:00.003Z

Haven't done this for a while. Look at the picture and...

...name that tune.

Mouse over the picture if you're really stuck.

Off Their Crusts

2009-11-05T21:24:00.005Z

So on the one hand Threshers are to close hundreds of stores and on the other, proper scienticians like Professor David Nutt saying that cannabis and LSD are less harmful than tobacco and alcohol and should therefore be decriminalised.

Is it just me or are the off-licence retailers missing a trick here? The phrase, "I'm just nipping down to the shops for some tabs" could take on a whole new meaning. Think of all the new tax revenue the government could raise, without worrying about cirrhosis, lung cancer, heart disease and all the shit that goes with fags and booze eating up hospital budgets.

But don't send the kids to get your skunk, just in case they come back with the wrong thing.

Paved With Good Inventions

2009-11-04T22:24:00.000Z

It says here that the best scientific invention of all time was the X-Ray machine. And the TV and mobile phone never even made the top ten? Sure...

More interestingly, No. 5 on the list is the V2 rocket. You know, the successor to the Doodlebug. The one that killed thousands in London during the Blitz and thousands more prisoners of war during its manufacture. Great invention, that. Who made up the shortlist, Adolf Hitler?

Also, hands up who's even heard of the Pilot Ace Computer? Exactly. I call shenanigans.

My own top five inventions for their "impact on the past, present and future"?

The Time Machine. Because I wanna fight Morlocks.

The Faster-Than-Light Drive. Saves all that hassle of waiting years to get to your destination.

The Anisokinetic Punch. Transmits force through a 90° angle. Pretty cool.

Soylent Green. Tasty and nutritious, yum!

Multivac. The greatest computer ever, except for maybe Deep Thought.

Who said they had to be real?

The Oldest Face in Scotchland

2009-11-03T21:21:00.000Z

Scienticians recently unearthed what is described as The Oldest Face in Scotchland.

The 5000-year-old stone carving was found in Orkney, which is that bunch of islands up at the top of Scotchland. Somebody must have had really sharp eyes to spot it: it's fooking tiny.

It went on display in Embra Castle and loads of people paid a fortune to come and see it. They could have saved themselves the trouble - you can see Ming Campbell at his Fife constituency any time you like (except when he's fiddling his expenses in London). He's richt auld. Heh.

Oldest Face

Ming Campbell

Anyway, it's gone on tour with Rod Stewart or something. More details here.

Living In The Future

2009-11-02T23:28:00.005Z

Busted - The Year 3000.

So I went to the future but it wasn't so great. All of the chicks, although pretty fine, turned out to be my own great-great-great-grand-daughters. Which kinda sucked.

The Earth had had its axis straightened so that we could have BST all year round, but that had melted what was left of the polar ice caps and put all the ski instructors out of a job.

The Earth was, of course, flooded, but that was ok because the scienticians had worked out how to give everybody gills so they could live underwater. Oh, and since people were pretty bored with eating fish every day, they'd bio-engineered squid to taste like chicken.

Oh and Jedward's seventh album had gone multi-platinum, so it was just as well that ears had been done away with. Innit?

Xtraordinary

2009-11-01T19:40:00.010Z

So it's that time of year again, when the clocks go back and we need something entertaining to brighten up our long winter evenings. Sadly, we're stuck with Strictly Come Dancing¹ and The X Factor².

On the one hand we have well-loved tunes being mauled by some half-wit who thinks it's a good idea to randomly cut out half the lines to fit the song into half the time and on the other hand, yep, exactly the same thing.

Strictly isn't terrible, with the exception of Brucie's jokes, but oh, deary me, what is it with Jedward on The X Factor? Instead of gradually improving week by week, under the careful supervision of their mentor, like any normal contestant, they seem to revel in sinking further and further into the mire of publicity-happy mediocrity. Like Jade Goody, Kerry Katona and Barrack O'Bama(sp?), they are famous simply for being famous.

I'll admit that at the start, I said I'd stop watching if the terrible twins made it onto the live show, but now there's a morbid fascination with the anticipation of which classic they're going to murder next. And last night they hit a new nadir with Queen's "We Will Rock You".

I'm not saying we should form vigilante squads armed with duct tape and ball gags. No, wait. That's exactly what I'm saying. We could replace them with a pair of shaving brushes and no-one would be the wiser. Well, Simon might comment on the massive improvement in their performance, but that's about it.

Boydrone and Westlifeless have a natural successor.

¹ Merkans read "Dancing With The Stars".
² Merkans read "American Idol".

The Other Love Of My Life

2009-10-29T20:49:00.004Z

Oh, my darling, how I've missed you! Can you forgive me for ignoring you all day? I must say, you look absolutely enchanting in those clothes, are they new? I'd like to gently peel them off, then slowly enter you and bury my face in your pillows. You're so warm and inviting, from your head right down to your, er, foot.

Computer Terms Illustrated

2009-10-21T21:44:00.019+01:00

Seems I've still got a few of these to write up. Honestly, dozens. Maybe I could do one of these a day for a month?

HTTP Error 502 - Bad Gateway

Connected to host

DM

Static Ram

Garbage Collection

Authoring Tools

Memory Leak

MIME

Crop

Tweetie

Ying Tong Iddle I Po

2009-10-15T19:49:00.002+01:00

In a last, brave attempt to drag this blog back into the land of the living, I have decided to have a go at that NaBloPoMo thingy. It sounds really complicated; according to the website, "Post every day for a month. That's all you have to do."

The month will be November, but I'll try to work up some momentum between now and then.

Wish me luck.

Killing Two Birds

2009-10-01T23:47:00.008+01:00

Remember me? I used to have a blog that I cared about. Then I got hooked on Twitter and let it all go to pot. Yeah, sorry about that. I'd promise a swift return to normal service, except I never did figure out what was normal for this blog in the first place.

So what has Farty been doing, I hear you ask?

[Reader: So what has Farty been doing?]

I'm glad you asked that. Helping Mrs F to babysit our new grand-daughter quite a bit, if you must know, but in between that, I was at a wedding Oop North three weeks ago as "Official Photographer", and have been weeding out the crap, balancing colour, straightening things up etc. to try and achieve something more-or-less presentable for the happy couple. Who are now back from their honeymoon and asking awkward questions, e.g. why is the sky blue, will the universe expand forever and does anyone still watch Ellen?

Any road up, at one point we were at the beach and Mr & Mrs M decided to make this pose:
I think they're expecting me to add some sort of witty caption, but my mind has gone ~~blank~~ blanker than usual. Can you help?

P.S. Lesley, stop drooling, he's spoken for.

Updated: Ezee-Keyzee

2009-09-10T00:02:00.002+01:00

I've been thinking. Shut up, it can happen. You know how mobile keypads are all small and fidgety and hard to operate when you're drunk? Well, I've invented a keyboard like on a mobile phone but - and here's the clever part - instead of having all the letters of the alphabet, plus numbers and shit it's got a small, simple set of symbols pre-programmed to enter entire words and phrases at a single keypress! Yeah. So you can have LOL, ROFLMAO, WTF, "your retarded", "yo momma", ect.

I was going to post a Photoshopped picture to go with but I was rudely interrupted and now it's midnight, so you'll just have to use your imagination.

"You're welcome"

Updated: It coliary looks like this:

Geoengineering may be it, Royal Society says

2009-09-02T19:32:00.005+01:00

From a search on "global warming" in Google News today:

Life may depend on giant sunshade

Boffins: Give up on CO 2 cuts, only geoengineering can work

World must plan for climate emergency - report

Royal Society warns climate engineering 'could cause disaster'

The most radical ideas on Earth might just save it

Climate may need emergency fix: report

Hopes dashed for geo-engineering solutions

Risky 'geoengineering' measures may be needed to save climate: Report

Investment in geo-engineering needed immediately, says Royal Society
‎
All clear as mud? Try this:

Shooting sulphate aerosols into the stratosphere would work well, said the Royal Society, as previous volcanic eruptions have shown in the past. When Mount Pinatubo in the Philippines erupted in 1991, for example, global temperatures dropped by 0.5C the following year.

Doug Parr, chief scientitian at Greenpeace UK, said: "The most promising option is to detonate all the world's nuclear bombs in Yellowstone Park, triggering the dormant supervolcano and launching dust and gases high into the stratosphere to block out the sun for decades, allowing the world to cool down to its natural temperature, whatever that is. This would also get rid of those pesky atomic warheads, so you know, win/win."

I might be paraphrasing that last bit, but I think it conveys the gist of the report. We're doomed.

World Mourns IRA Backer

2009-08-27T11:47:00.001+01:00

The world was in mourning last night for the notorious killer and terrorist fundraiser Edward "Ted" Kennedy, who died after his own revolted body turned against him in disgust.

Best known for the 1969 killing of political campaigner Mary Jo Kopechne at Chappaquiddick, Kennedy was also heavily involved in financing terrorist organisation the Irish Republican Army (IRA), holding innumerable fundraising parties in order to pay for guns, ammunition, training, bomb-making materials, etc.

Sinn Féin mastermind Gerry Adams said, "If it hadn't been for Ted's relentless fundraising activities, we, er, I mean the IRA would have run out of money to buy guns back in the 1970s, but thanks to his help, we, um, they were able to kill British soldiers, policemen and the hated Protestants right through the '80s, '90s and on into the 21st century. For that, terrorists everywhere owe him an undying debt of gratitude."

In 2004, airline agents acting on the advice of the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) attempted to block the known terrorist backer from boarding five separate flights, but on each occasion the silver-tongued killer was able to con officials into believing that he was in fact a respected US Senator and allowed to proceed with his campaign of terror.

Finally, however, Kennedy's own brain turned against him and successfully finished him off on Tuesday, August 25, 2009. He will be missed only by supporters of terrorism.

No Representation Without Taxation

2009-08-19T20:40:00.007+01:00

So Hillary Clinton thinks it would be absolutely wrong to release Libyan Abdelbaset Ali Mohmed Al Megrahi from prison over his alleged involvement in the Lockerbie bombing.

As a US citizen, Clinton pays no UK taxes. And this is perfectly right and proper, but it cuts both ways. As a non-taxpayer in this country, it would be absolutely wrong for her to dictate how our judicial system should operate.

All the more so since the US government has consistently withheld evidence all the way from the initial investigation to the trial and subsequent appeal.

To summarize: Dear Hillary, Fuck off. Yours, Scotland.

Just my twopence worth.

We Are A Grandmother

2009-08-13T21:41:00.003+01:00

Baby Farty arrived in the world this morning, courtesy of Little Miss Farty. Mrs Farty and I are so proud!

Somalia sends food parcels to House of Commons to supplement MPs' rations

2009-08-12T21:00:00.001+01:00

Somalians have dug deep in their pockets after hearing of the plight of British MPs, who are being treated like shit and have to live on rations, according to Shadow Commons leader Alan Duncan.

"This is absolutely scandalous," said Mogadishu resident Saeed Abdallah. "Here we are, living in the lap of luxury with not a care in the world, except for the occasional suicide bombing or random beheading, while hardworking British lawmakers have to scrape by on as little as £64,766 pa. Plus expenses.

"When the Somali people learned of the MPs' plight through a wind-up radio tuned into the BBC World Service, we immediately agreed to club together and collect every grain of rice we could pry from between the floorboards, along with the leftover bones from a stray dog we caught and ate a couple of weeks ago.

"We hope that this offering, though small, will help sustain the starving MPs through these times of hardship until after the next election, when it is sincerely hoped that their freeloading snouts will be back in the trough before you can say duck house."

Twitterfail

2009-08-11T20:01:00.000+01:00

Hmmm. No response from Twitter on mobile, Twitterfox, Firefox, IE8, Tweetdeck - there's some kind of pattern emerging there. I'd better tweet about it and see what my tweeps make of it all. No, wait...

Computer Terms Illustrated #31

2009-08-09T00:44:00.000+01:00

I would ask if anyone still reads this crap, but my hit counter just passed 50,000 so I'll take that as a yes. You sad, lonely people. No, not you, you're great. The rest of them. Losers.

Header

In stall

Profile

Format

Denial of Service

ShortcutHot Fuzz (click for clip)

Sin Tax Error

Thin Client

Thrashing

End now?

Trailer

Still to come - Bobby Tables, Bullean Algebra, Bigendian, Cloud Computing...

East Fortune Air Show

2009-07-25T20:43:00.001+01:00

DSCF4071
Originally uploaded by Farty's Photos

Hah, it looks just like there's a girl doing a headstand on top of that bi-plane! No, wait...

More pictures over at my Flickr page (somewhere in the right margin, look for photos).

The Gathering

2009-07-24T22:35:00.000+01:00

I like it - apart from the weather.

That one sentence about sums up the visitor experience of Scotchland in general and Embra in particular.

This weekend, clan leaders from all four corners of the globe [Globes don't have corners - Ed.] will meet for the biggest ~~brawl~~ gathering in recorded history. The locals have already started boarding up their windows in preparation.

Bring it on.

The Director's Cut - Shaun of the Dead on Twitter

2009-07-24T21:31:00.003+01:00

Lost Liz. Got pissed with Ed. Pete pissed *at* Ed, nearly bit Ed's head off. Everyone a bit bitey. Took Liz to pub for shots. Now Ed's dead.

Shaun of the Dead on Twitter

2009-07-21T22:07:00.000+01:00

ShaunotD:
Listening to The Specials - Ghost Town ♫ http://blip.fm/~8mcy0

ShaunotD:
Sitting @ pub munching hog lumps. @LittlePrincess seems to be upset for some reason. What does exacerbate mean?

answers:
@ShaunotD New A: Go to this URL http://bit.ly/2ClRM

LittlePrincess:
In pub with @ShaunotD @TinyDi @4eyes. Again. #someonekillmenowplease

Email from Twitter to BarbaraMum:
Ed2seconds is now following you on Twitter!

Ed2seconds:
Listening to The Blue Wrath - I Monster http://is.gd/1nviF

Ed2seconds:
Vegetating @ ShaunotD's playing Timesplitters 2 #retrogames

BigPete:
Really pissed with @Ed2seconds. #andidontmeandrunk

NoodleNoel:
d Ed2seconds Got nething? @Eball says u was holding.

Ed2seconds:
d NoodleNoel No man, I've only got an 'enry meself. L8rs!

ShaunotD:
Listening to Kernkraft 400 - Zombie Nation ♫ http://blip.fm/~8rr8y

ShaunotD:
At work. @Ash off sick and made me fucking King of the Zombies

NoodleNoel:
@ShaunotD You've got red on you.

King:
RT @NoodleNoel: @ShaunotD You've got red on you.

Yvonne:
@Shaunotd How are you doing?

ShaunotD:
@Yvonne Surviving.

ShaunotD:
Fuck. Forgot to book anniversary table @ theplacethatdoesallthefish. @LittlePrincess will go apeshit. #hellomynameismud

LittlePrincess:
@ShaunotD Goodbye, Mud!

LittlePrincess has blocked ShaunotD

ShaunotD:
Listening to Chicago - If You Leave Me Now ♫ http://blip.fm/~9dq1i #shuffle

Ed2seconds:
@ShaunotD Lets have @BloodyMary, bite @King's head x2@LittlePrincess stagger back & bang! Back @ bar 4 shots #Howsthatforasliceoffriedgold?

FUCKME:
@ShaunotD Want more followers on twitter? Add more friends the easy way with twadder --> http://bit.ly/e75Ch

Ed2seconds:
RT @BigAl: Dogs can't look up.

ShaunotD:
Singing Grandmaster Flash - White Lines ♫ http://blip.fm/~9a13a

ShaunotD:
Listening to Man Parrish - Hip Hop Be Bop (Don't Stop) ♫ http://blip.fm/~94nyk <- 2nd album I ever bought

BigPete:
@ShaunotD It's fucking Sunday and I've got to go to fucking work in four fucking hours because every other fucker (read more via Twitlonger)

Ed2seconds:
@BigPete Fuck, yeah!

BigPete has blocked Ed2seconds

Ed2seconds:
@Shaunotd Next time I C @BigPete he's dead. #twatcanttellhiphopfromelectro

ShaunotD:
My Daily Twittascope - The cycle of your life seems to be endlessly repeating itself. Set your sights high today. And you've got red on you.

Ed2seconds:
Morning, tweeps! I could murder a Cornetto!

Email from Twitter to ShaunotD:
BloodyMary is now following you on Twitter!

Ed2seconds:
LOL @ShaunotD snogging @BloodyMary http://twitpic.com/9bgvm didn't take him long 2 get over @LittlePrincess!

ShaunotD:
I just wounded @BloodyMary in an assassination attempt. #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy from Spymaster

Ed2seconds:
I just assassinated a one-armed bridegroom. #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy from Spymaster

JeremyThompson:
The attackers can be stopped by removing the head or destroying the brain #notusingthezedword

ShaunotD:
@metpolice Help! Being attacked by really, er, strange people #notusingthezedword

Twitter Status: Problem with All Tweets feed

ShaunotD:
I just assassinated a checkout assistant. #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy from Spymaster

Ed2seconds:
I just assassinated a random fat bloke. #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy from Spymaster

Ed2seconds:
RT @King: RT @NoodleNoel: @ShaunotD You've got red on you.

ShaunotD:
@Ed2seconds I heart @LittlePrincess.

Ed2seconds:
@ShaunotD Gay. #notthattheresanythingwrongwiththat

ShaunotD:
@Ed2seconds TakeCarGo2MumsKillPhilGrabLizGo2tehWinchesterHaveANiceColdPintAndWaitForAllOfThis2BlowOver #Howsthatforasliceoffriedgold?

ShaunotD:
@BigPete We're going to the pub. If you're feeling better later, you're ++welcome to join us.

Twitter has suspended @BigPete's account in response to unusual activity.

Ed2seconds:
Just borrowed @BigPete's car. Oops, just ran over something...or someone. Meh.

BarbaraMum:
RT Ed2seconds: RT @King: RT @NoodleNoel: @ShaunotD You've got red on you.

Ed2seconds:
Seem to have pranged @BigPete's car. He's going to be pissed #andidontmeandrunk Oh, look! A Jag!

King:
@ShaunotD Are we following you? #cluelessabouttwitter

Email from Twitter to ShaunotD:
TinyDi is now following you on Twitter!

4eyes:
d TinyDi I'm not going out there.

TinyDi:
d 4eyes I don't want to be torn to pieces and if you think about it, neither do you.

Email from Twitter to ShaunotD:
LittlePrincess is now following you on Twitter!

Email from Twitter to ShaunotD:
4eyes is now following you on Twitter!

Ed2seconds:
@Niggaz 'sup?

Ed2seconds:
Listening to Eighties Matchbox B-Line Disaster - Mister Mental http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrROZRbeap8

Ed2seconds:
Goin for a spin in @King's Jag, feelin a bit dizzy LOL

ShaunotD:
Don't think @King was too happy having us in his car. Taking a shortcut now. Tweet later.

Twitter Status: There is a problem - don't panic

ShaunotD:
I just attempted to assassinate @DressingGownBloke, but failed. #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy from Spymaster

TinyDi:
Trying to teach my tweeps to act like vegetables #easierthanyouthink

Ed2seconds:
@ShaunotD Who died and made you fucking King of the Zombies?

NoodleNoel:
d Ed2seconds You get nething yet?

Ed2seconds:
d NoodleNoel I got nothing, I'm in the middle of something. It's weird.

ShaunotD:
@Ed2seconds Fuck fucking off! I've spent my entire life sticking up for you and all you ever do is fuck things up (read more via Twitlonger)

ShaunotD has blocked @Ed2seconds

4eyes:
Fuck this for a game of soldiers. Window - say hello to trashcan. #iamsocharltonheston

Trending Topics on Twitter - #twitterfail, #undead, #reanimated, #zombies, #brains, Michael Jackson, #followfriday

ShaunotD:
Going for a run. What did @FUCKME say?

FatZombie:
#followfriday @ShaunotD tasty #brains

Email from Twitter to ShaunotD:
Wheelchairzombie is now following you on Twitter!

Email from Twitter to ShaunotD:
Oldladyzombie is now following you on Twitter!

Email from Twitter to ShaunotD:
Bikerzombie1 is now following you on Twitter!

Email from Twitter to ShaunotD:
Bikerzombie2 is now following you on Twitter!

Email from Twitter to ShaunotD:
MichaelJacksonzombie is now following you on Twitter!

ShaunotD:
Was really pleased to have 200+ new followers till I found they were all robots #notusingthezedword

ShaunotD has unblocked Ed2seconds.

Ed2seconds:
@ShaunotD Might be a bit warm, the cooler's off.

ShaunotD:
@Ed2seconds Thanks, babe!

ShaunotD:
RT @BertrandRussell: The only thing that will redeem mankind is cooperation. <- I think we can all appreciate the relevance of that now.

Ed2seconds:
Listening to Queen - Don't Stop Me Now http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58CJih1iYC0 #shuffle

4eyes:
I just attempted to assassinate @Queen, but failed. #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy from Spymaster

ShaunotD:
I just assassinated @Johnlandlord. #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy from Spymaster

Ed2seconds:
@ShaunotD Why didn't you just shoot him, man?

ShaunotD:
@Ed2seconds for the last time, it's OMFG! #needcleanunderwear But dogs CAN look up!

ShaunotD:
I just assassinated @BarbaraMum. #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy from Spymaster

ZombieNation:
We just assassinated @4eyes. Om nom nom! #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy from Spymaster

TinyDi:
Listening to Average White Band - Pick Up the Pieces ♫ http://blip.fm/~9jf1q

ShaunotD:
#fuckadoodledoo @BigPete finally made it to the pub. He looks pissed. #andidontmeandrunk

Ed2seconds:
@BigPete Don't groan at me, you thick fuck!

ShaunotD:
I just assassinated @BigPete. #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy from Spymaster

ShaunotD:
I just assassinated @CockacidalManiac. #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy from Spymaster

LittlePrincess:
Going down on @ShaunotD

LittlePrincess:
Oops WITH. Going down WITH @ShaunotD and @Ed2seconds. To the cellar #mindlikegirlonetrack

ShaunotD:
@Ed2seconds I love you, man!

Ed2seconds:
@ShaunotD Gay! #someonekillmenowplease

ShaunotD:
Moving up in the world. Not coming back to this pub. #deadheadcentral #notusingthezedword

Yvonne:
I just assassinated @ZombieTwins. #spymaster http://bit.ly/playspy from Spymaster

Yvonne:
@ShaunotD @LittlePrincess How are you doing?

Shaunandliz:
@Yvonne Surviving.

ShaunotD:
Listening to Queen - You're My Best Friend http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4vQwrHZWWk

Ed2seconds:
Vegetating @ ShaunotD's playing Timesplitters 2 #retrogames

Thanks to Simon Pegg and Ed Wright for the film, Script-o-rama for the transcript and Madhattermommy for the idea.

Cramond

2009-07-20T20:54:00.026+01:00

So today I grabbed my camera and trotted off down to Cramond to get some photos to keep you from gnawing your own fingers off with boredom. Click any photo to enlarge.

It says here that Cramond was once the site of a Roman Fort. Who knew?

Yup. Here's some Roman ruins, so it must be true.

Legend has it that the Romans brought stinging nettles to Britain with them, so that they could flagellate themselves with them to keep warm. I kid you not.

Although why they didn't just whap themselves with our own native thistles beats me. Beats. Heh.

Any road up. Cramond. Popular for the boats and that.

Not to mention Cramond Island.

There's a causeway connecting Cramond Island to the mainland, but it's a good idea to check the tidal tables before venturing out.

Ah, well, maybe another time. Oh, look! A pretty boat!

I love watching the sun reflect off the water. Very relaxing.

Another boat. This one doesn't seem to be going anywhere. Still, it's quite pretty with the trees in the background and that.

Bye then, Cramond. Shlater!

I could totally get a job with the Scotch tourist board.

Computer Terms Illustrated #30 - Updated

2009-07-13T22:23:00.004+01:00

I should really put some proper posts in between these, but I rather like this set, which just came to me today. See if you can guess the theme.

Benedict Allen

The Tempest

Your brain's so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn't be enough to cover a small water biscuit.

You fat bastard!

Nice Dish

Delivery for Mr Griffin

Groundhog Day

What's the matter, Watson? Never seen a man in a skirt before?

FFS Don't get it wet!

Don't laugh or he'll kill you. Seriously.

Learn the words!

Albatross

London Newspaper

Where The Prisoner was kept, er, prisoner

Updated: Ok, so I've put titles on. Does that help?

Computer Terms Illustrated #29

2009-07-06T23:00:00.000+01:00

A few to keep the Java coders API...

Superclass

Red Hat

Phantom Reference

Ancestor Listener

Transformation

Tree Viewer

Record Store

Log Handler

Sock Puppet

ClippyIt looks like you're travelling via public transport - would you like some help with that?

Computer Terms Illustrated - Michael Jackson Tribute

2009-06-27T00:30:00.000+01:00

Everyone else is doing it, might as well jump on the bandwagon.

Zombie

Mask

Foreground (sp?)

Dongle (sp?)

Icon

Michael Jackson 1958-2009

Fathers of Invention

2009-06-22T21:17:00.001+01:00

We all know that Fleming invented Penicillin in between writing his James Bond novels and building the first flying car, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, but what about the not-so-famous inventors and their creations?

In the beginning there was nothing except maybe some Hawking Radiation. Then Davy said, "Let there be Lamp. I love lamp." And there was lamp.

But there was nowhere for the lamplight to go, so Hilbert created Space, but it was still very hard to see what was going on with everything happening at once, so Hammer invented Time to break it up a bit.

Then Piltdown created Man out of bits of monkey and that. Newton designed a Cradle for him to sleep in. Man got hungry, so St Elmo invented Fire and Forman built the Grill so he could cook some of Darwin's Finches.

Man was lonely on his own, so Pavlov invented Dogs and Schrödinger invented Cats (or did he?) to keep him company. Still, Man was bored so Tarmac *cough* invented the Road for him to travel on and Shanks invented the Pony for him to ride.

After a while, Man came across Woman. She had been trapped in Faraday's Cage by Maxwell's Demons. "Help me!" cried Woman. Man refused, until she performed a Möbius Strip for him. Glimpsing her Pascal's Triangle, Man decided to rescue her, so Damocles invented a Sword for Man to cut the cage open and free Woman.

Meanwhile Ferris was busy inventing the Wheel, so Man attached some wheels to Constable's Haywain with Archimedes' Screws using a Phillips Screwdriver, which had been sitting around useless for the past few paragraphs.

The Öort Clouds were gathering as, crossing Wheatstone's Bridge, they rounded Sierpinski's Curve. Offering Woman a swig from his Klein Bottle, Man asked Woman her name. "Pandora," she replied. "And will you please stop looking down my Cassini Division, my eyes are up here."

"Her Box could do with a trim from Occam's Razor," he thought to himself as he tightened his Van Allen Belt and offered her a cookie from his Leyden Jar.
But she noticed his Nelson's Column and fended him off with Cleopatra's Needle, right in the Elgin Marbles.

Then Stephenson invented a Rocket which they flew to Barnard's Star before Higgs could create a Boson to destroy the Earth. The end.

Arms and the Man

2009-06-18T22:26:00.000+01:00

Badger was the best teacher I ever had. That wasn't his real name, although famously at one parent's night a mum addressed him in all seriousness as "Mr Badger"; he took it as a compliment. His chosen subject was Latin, but I have the feeling he could have taught Modern Dance, Quantum Chromodynamics or The Political History of Cheesemaking in 18th Century France with equal aplomb, his head bobbing back and forth as he held sway over his court, gesticulating with a piece of chalk to emphasise his words.

He was always warm, kind and friendly, even when he was giving you the slipper for forgetting your homework. Oh, there was no malice in it, just a hearty laugh as he bent you over a desk and walloped your backside in front of the whole class and sent you wincing back to your seat. Some older boys had actually presented him with an old training shoe to keep the young 'uns in line. He was very proud of it and never, ever used a cane or belt like the other masters - that would be cruel and unusual punishment. Nevertheless, it was rare for any boy to forget his homework twice.

Considering that Latin is a "dead" language, Badger really breathed life into it. Whether he was rolling his R's as he pro-nounced his way through Virgil's Aeneid, or taking us on a hurl (field trip) to the visitor centre at Hadrian's Wall to see Real Roman Ruins, his enthusiasm was as infectious as Swine Flu. Once, he had an operation on his leg to remove a varicose vein. It didn't even slow him down; with a week he was out on the rugby pitch refereeing a match, yelling encouragement to his young charges.

Badger never got married; he treated the school as his mistress and the boys as his family. He'd even take groups of us to the detached house he shared with his sisters in a leafy Embra suburb to expose us to a bit of "culture". I still remember putting on a giant pair of headphones to listen to the full-length orchestrated version of Also Sprach Zarathustra; I wouldn't be surprised if he spent the evenings reading Nietzsche in the original German just because he could.

But he was haunted by demons, too. And one warm, sunny afternoon, with dust motes drifting in the sunlight streaming through the window, when the lesson was officially over but there were a few minutes still to go before the bell released us into the world of conkers and football, he shared his private hell with us.

During the Second World War, when George was still a young man, he served in British Military Intelligence. Although most of his duties were still classified decades later, he did feel it was acceptable to tell us about his post-war rôle in debriefing a German doctor who had worked in Auschwitz. This man had had the unenviable task of checking the health of concentration camp detainees and deciding which of them were fit to be sent to the gas chambers.

George was, of course, horrified. "But how," he asked, "how could you, a doctor, knowingly send your fellow human beings to their deaths?"

"Oh, I couldn't possibly do that," replied the doctor. "No, no, these weren't human beings, they were animals. They were Jews, you see."

It seems that the only way this man, this physician, could continue to function was by deluding himself that the patients he treated were not members of the same species as himself.

And George got a glimpse inside this man's head. And he thought about that conversation every day. It coloured his thinking, so that he never forgot that whatever someone looks like on the outside, and no matter what crazy thoughts go in inside their skull, there really is just the one human race. We all deserve to be treated the same.

And that is the one lesson I'll always remember. Thanks, George.

Shameless Plug For Charidee

2009-06-15T23:08:00.004+01:00

Just click on the picture already. You know you want to. Go on.

Thank you.

Scotch News

2009-06-11T21:10:00.012+01:00

So what's in the news today, I hear you ask. (I'm sure there should be a question mark in there somewhere, but can't for the life of me figure out where to put it. Colour me senile.)

The one millionth word to enter the English language is, by an amazing coincidence, Web 2.0 - er, that's not really a word, is it? It's a word plus a number. And even the number is unnecessarily specified to a higher degree of precision than is really warranted. Why not Web 2.00000? I would have picked lolcat. How about you?

There's a Global Pandemic of Swine Flu stories in the meeja. Yes, you know and I know that a pandemic is by definition global, just like Avian Bird Flu affects avian birds, but they still go ahead and use redundant tautologies. Stupid journalists. Oh! There I go doing it myself! Anyway, lock all the doors and windows, tape them up and don't come out until 2013 just in case. Or until you run out of air or food, whatever.

Miss California USA's been fired. There used to be a Miss California Scotland, but we lost her in the fog.

With Armed Forces Day coming up on June 27, celebrations are being planned to give people the chance to thank the RAF, Army, Navy and that for all the hard work they do in fighting off Johnny Foreigner. Scotchland's own Lorraine Kelly was up at Embra's Redford Barracks to reveal ~~her knickers~~ the Scotch events lined up for the big day.

Well, if you're only visiting this blog for upskirt pictures of Lorraine Kelly, why should I disappoint? Did you notice the matching accessories?

Bits and Bobs

2009-06-06T22:13:00.008+01:00

So sometimes I just sit down and start typing a blog post, but if I'm sitting on the bus or that and I have an idea I'll compose a quick text for myself as an aide-memoire. (Oh, get me with the French!) If I can put the whole idea into 140 characters or less, you guessed it, I post it straight into Twitter, but usually it's only one or two words that I can write up in full later on.

This has its drawbacks.

Another reason why it's important to leave comments. And that would be?

Crazy like a Tasmanian devil. I don't think I know anyone quite that crazy.

Waterfall illusion. All the waterfalls I've seen have been real. Probly.

Lost luggage targets. Maybe airlines have a secret quota which they have to meet in order to keep their passengers pissed off?

Dracula fish. Sharks with frikkin lasers are scary enough, but Dracula Fish? OMG!

Elephant's foot umbrella stand. Would an ethical hunter leave a three-legged elephant limping around the jungle or give it a wooden leg? Oh, right. Now I remember.

Don't blog about work. Doubly so if you're in IT. What a strange thing to say. My job is the most fascinating zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

We're not using the 'zed' word. Yes, I know where that line comes from, but why use it as the start of a blog post? Damn, I bet it was going to be a great one too!

tinyurl.com/caw1010 I don't know what it is either. Should I post it first, then click on the link? Yeah, why not? What could possibly go wrong?

Airline Price War Escalates

2009-06-03T21:20:00.001+01:00

In the latest twist to the price war between rival low-cost airlines, EasyJet has announced that passengers will henceforth be asked to fly the aircraft themselves.

This is seen by many as a response to RyanAir's cost-cutting plans to make passengers carry on their own luggage, on top of paying to use the toilet and sick bags.

Market analyst Paul Madeupname said, "This is a response to RyanAir's cost-cutting plans to make passengers carry on their own luggage, on top of paying to use the toilet and sick bags.

"Airline pilots earn significantly more than baggage handlers, so cutting them out of the equation should save the airline hundreds of pounds."

EasyJet boss Stelios Haji-Ioannou explained, "We've seen in the movies time and time again that when one or both pilots are incapacitated by food poisoning, terrorists or motherfucking snakes, there is always someone on board with no flying experience whatsoever who is able to land the plane safely, albeit with help from a retired alcoholic Air Force pilot drafted in to the control tower and sobered up with strong black coffee. This is simply extending that principle to cover takeoff and cruising, where an autopilot does most of the work anyway.

"Of course this begs the question of who is going to shag the stewardesses, but I'm sure our male passengers will be glad to fill the gap, as it were."

RyanAir is expected to confirm in the next few days that it will retaliate by requesting passengers to bring their own allocation of airplane fuel to the airport with them. And pay to have it checked in.

British Airways has denied suggestions that it plans to remove all the seats from its 2000-strong fleet and pack the passengers in like sardines "until August at the earliest".

Air France is said to be reviewing its own procedures after hitting "teething troubles" with a similar policy to EasyJet's this week, where passengers were offered the chance to "have a go" at the controls for $50 per 20 minutes while the pilots slept off a hangover.

Outrage Over Charlatanry Claims

2009-05-31T21:36:00.010+01:00

Charlatans were outraged today over claims that Charlatanry might actually be an effective treatment for something.

"I went to see a charlatan after conventional medicine failed to cure my baldness," explained Major Buffy Cohen (retired). "The quack made me lie face-down on a couch while he played a tape of whale song, or possibly Rolf Harris playing a didgeridoo, then he waved a crystal over me for a bit and muttered some mumbo jumbo. Didn't make a blind bit of difference, of course, but when I saw the size of the bill a couple of weeks later, it completely cured my hiccups."

The British Association of Charlatans, Quacks and Snake-Oil Representatives in Europe (BACQSORE) have already issued a writ for damage caused to their reputation as complete fraudsters, even although they are not yet sure whether the alleged treatment was for a recognised phony medical condition like restless leg syndrome, having a sloping forehead or pregnancy.

"These allegations are as scurrilous as they are true," said an outraged spokesman for BACQSORE. "Our remedies are world-famous for being proven to be totally ineffective in controlled double-blind clinical trials and we are prepared to stand up in court if need be to refute these unsubstantiated claims of effectiveness using the highest-powered liars, er, lawyers that money can buy. If we could stand up. Which we can't. Bit of a bad back just now. You don't happen to have any painkillers on you, do you? I think I've pulled something. Could you call a doctor? While we're waiting, can I interest you in a couple of gallons of 100% natural snake-oil, er, bio-diesel? Sourced from free-range Guatemalan rock-pythons, guaranteed to stall your engine within 100 yards. Or bring you out in a rash. Whatever."

Simon Singh was unavailable for comment.

In The Country

2009-05-26T21:30:00.020+01:00

So. Back from ~~1960~~ Chillingham. Finally able to breathe again after spending ~~three years~~ two whole days cut off from civilisation. Ah, well, it was quiet. Click to enlarge...

We stayed in this tiny six-bedroom hovel, courtesy of the Shepherdess.

One of the several horses dotted about the place.

Can you spot all three horses in this scene?

Yup. Dead centre.

Flowers of some sort. Possibly daises.

Stoopid camera tried to brighten up this shady scene.

Geordie wheelchair. I'm here all night, folks!

Shepherdess: It would be really nice if you could get a photo of the dogs sitting together.
Dogs: What's that? You want us to run off in opposite directions?
Me: Maybe if I throw a ball for them to fetch?
Dogs: We're very good at splitting up to chase things. We're sheepdogs.
Much, much later...

Red sky at night - Windsor's alight.

I'm ready for my close-up now.