Tuesday, 30 November 2010
Sunday, 21 November 2010
In a move that has shocked absolutely no-one, X Factor producers have announced that contestants will no longer be required to sing on the show. Not even miming like the celebrity guests plugging their new singles.
It is widely believed that the reason behind the move is to make more time available for Simon Cowell to pontificate about Louis Walsh's absolute and total lack of any musical taste whatsoever. Not to mention his rapidly-darkening hair colour, whiny voice and propensity to go off on one at the slightest provocation.
Insiders on the show have also pointed out the potential savings to be made by not having to pay any royalties to copyright holders, but since Cowell's record company, Sony BMG, already owns every song ever written, past, present and future, this theory has been widely discounted.
Former Pop Idol winner and Girls Aloud member Cheryl Cole, who has previously mimed live on the show herself, is said to be delighted at the news, as it gives her the opportunity to spend even more time fighting with the other judges and verbally abusing the contestants in front of the cameras.
Irish judge Louis Walsh, who manages Westlife, Boyzone and some pop groups, is understood to be disappointed that he will no longer be able to pull out his rulebook and claim that Cher's song wasn't actually a Beatles number as it was a solo hit for John Lennon.
Critics were quick to point out that the change will allow people with the musical ability of a dead sheepdog to win the show, but hurriedly withdrew their objections when they noticed that karate expert Wagner was standing staring at them.
Wednesday, 10 November 2010
So I was reading The Bloggess when I came across a post about someone called Jamie Cullum. Or was it Cullen? Anyway, this Gollum bloke seems to feature in some very popular films1. And there seems to be a feck of a lot of sparkling going on in them.
Which is a bit odd, because I always thought that when vampires were exposed to direct sunlight, it made them fade like a cheap pair of curtains.
Not that I know very much about vampires; when I first read Dracula, I thought that the description of men and women dancing around in the catacombs, "naked to the waist", meant that their bottom halfs were naked. Be more specific, Stoker! (Shakes fist)
Any road up, my memory was jogged into something I wrote in this very blog a few years back. And guess what? I own the word sparkling! It only cost me a pound at the time, but now it's going to make me a gazillionaire!2
So pony up, Twilight fans. Every time you use the word "sparkling", you owe me, oh, let's not be greedy, how about a penny? (Rubs hands)
1- That's "movies" if you're a Merkan.
2 - Not a real word.