Computer Terms Illustrated #25
What can I inflict on you today? Hmmm...
Tuesday 31 March 2009
Sunday 29 March 2009
Why No, I Don't Drive. Why Do You Ask?
Formula 1 driving. WTF is the fascination with fast cars being driven in close proximity to other drivers around the same track over and over and over? Surely it just encourages the audience to engage in reckless behaviour when they themselves take the wheel. Can you picture the same mad enthusiasm if the sport were some other life-threatening activity?
Coming soon to Sky Sports 1:
- F1 Smoking. The B&H championship launches amidst a blaze of publicity and a cloud of smoke.
- F1 Leaving Your Pet Locked In The Car During A Heatwave. How long can Rex survive as the thermometer climbs ever higher?
- F1 Leaving The Iron On. Can the Fire Brigade get there in time?
- F1 Running With Scissors. An old favourite, this. Get the Band-Aids ready, mum!
- F1 Standing On A Chair To Hang Curtains. Put the emergency services on standby!
- And finally, what can beat Formula 1 Ladder-Climbing Whilst Carrying an Open Tin of Paint?
Tuesday 24 March 2009
A Brief History of Scotchland - Part 7
'Twas in the year 1689 that the Mobile City of Dundee launched a furious, but ultimately abortive attack on the scourge of Scotchland, Janette and Ian Tough. This epic pub brawl went down in the annals of history as the Battle to Kill The Krankies.
A couple of early casualties in the meleé were the Earl a' Murraymints and his beautiful wife, the Lady Mondegreen, who fought and ultimately died side by side just a century beforehand and a hundred miles to the north. Or south. What do you want, accuracy? Sheesh. That's what Uncyclopedia's for.
Only one intrepid Scotchman escaped the battle unscathed. Mr Donald MacBean of Auchtershoogle was out walking his pet haggis, Shuggy, when he heard the rumble of the approaching city. Without a moment's hesitation, he lifted up his wooden kilt, yelled, "I fart in your general direction!" and let loose an almighty blast.
The force of the resulting eruption, thought to be fuelled by mashed neeps (turnips), propelled Mr MacBean clear across the river Garry to safety. Shuggy's fate is not recorded.
Sadly, although Dundee won the match 5-0, The Krankies lived to fight another day and can still be heard murdering the Scotch language at Christmas pantomimes and TV specials (rates negotiable).
Any resemblance of the above tale to historical accuracy is purely coincidental.
Friday 20 March 2009
Family 'too rich to work'
Phil and Betty Windsor own most of Hampshire and haven't done a day's work between them in over half a century.
They say that they don't need to work as they claim benefits of over £7 million every year to help them run their vast estates.
Betty spends her days walking the corgis around the local estate, while Phil abuses foreigners at every opportunity.
Eldest son Charlie relies on state handouts even though he runs a shop in Cornwall with his horse, selling biscuits, wine and other overpriced crap to unsuspecting tourists.
Daughter Annie is a rugby groupie, travelling up and down the country to eye up the players as they scrummage in the mud.
Incredibly, the family refuse to get proper jobs, claiming their land and titles are hereditary - even though Betty herself handed Charlie the Principality of Wales on a whim.
Silver spoon
The family, who own a total of 84 castles, palaces and stately homes, spend £50,000 a week on food and say they wouldn't be seen dead eating beans on toast.
"One has one's Fortnum & Masons hampers delivered three times a day," says Betty. "One can get top-notch Beluga caviar at bargain prices. It really adds a zest to roast swan and quail's eggs."
"That little whippersnapper Billy said he wanted to join the filth," says Phil of his eldest grandson, "but we soon knocked some sense into him and now he regularly flies a helicopter over to his girlfriend's house for a weekend shag. Good for him I say!"
When asked to comment, a London taxpayer said, "They're worth every penny, Gawd bless 'em! I 'ad that Eddie in the back of my cab once, he was a right gayer. Not that there's anything wrong with that."
Tuesday 17 March 2009
Computer Terms Illustrated #24
Somebody stop me!
Friday 13 March 2009
Merkan-English Dictionary
The great thing about having all these Merkan bloggers in my reader is the rich variety of incomprehensible crap new and exciting terminology that they use. Which I then have to go and research so that I can update my dictionary for your elucidation (Brits) or education (y'all ignorant rednecks). So without further ado:
Polo Mints. Round, minty, white, with a hole in the middle.
How anyone could confuse these with Lifesavers is beyond me.
Bloody copycats! *cough*
Those people who tell you that a battered shoebox in the middle of a slum is a "delightful fixer-upper situated in a quiet neighbo[u]rhood"? Merkans argue over whether the correct pronunciation is REAL-tors or re-AL-tors, while Brits prefer "esTATE agents". I prefer "lying scum".
What they say: This house has lots of potential.
What they mean: Potential energy.
Pound. What could be simpler than the standard unit of British currency?
So it's confusing when Merkans call this a pound.
Because we Brits call it a hash.
Not to be confused with a quarter.
No wait, I meant the other kind of quarter.
Although a quarter pounder is a quarter pounder.
Now I've got the munchies.
Monday 9 March 2009
Vapourware
So the Merkan military-industrial complex are refurbishing their Trident nucular weapons for our UK nucular submarines (once the damage has been repaired) but they have hit a tiny snag.
They've got plenty of plutonium.
They've managed to source a DeLorean DMC-12 that can still just about reach 88mph.
But they've totally lost the plans for one vital component.
It's a mysterious but very hazardous material codenamed Fogbank. 
Better known as a Flux Capacitor.
Without it, their nucular missiles are nothing more than fancy doorstops.
Or worse.
All the scienticians involved in the original design have either died, retired or "moved on".
Where's Marty McFly when you need him?
Sunday 8 March 2009
Computer Terms Illustrated #23
Where do they all come from? Inside my head.
Wednesday 4 March 2009
URGENT REPLY NEEDED
Vous êtes invité :: URGENT REPLY NEEDED. My private email address:(blah blah@blah blah)
Par votre hôte: Sule Musa
Date: mardi 3 mars 2009
Heure: 22h 00 - 23h 00 (GMT+00:00)
Rue: I am the manager of auditing and accounting department of BANK OF AFRICA (B.O.A) here in Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso West Africa. In my department l discovered an abandoned sum of Fifteen Million Dollars (US$25M) in an account that belongs to one of the Bank Late foreign customer a native of U.S.A who died along with his entire family in a plane crash.Since Bank of Africa Management got information about his death, they have been expecting his next of kin or relation to come over and claim his money from the Bank and the B.O.A can not release it unless some body applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidlings and laws but unfortunately the bank learnt that all his supposed next of kin died alongside with him at the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim. It is therefore upon this discovery that I now decided to make this business proposal to you, so that l and you will cliam it Because the Board of Directors of this Bank may Decide to Share it Among themselves or Declear it as a Government Tresurer since no body have apply as the next of kin or relation to the Late costumer.The banking law and guidline here stipulates that if such money remained unclaimed after eight years the money will be transfered into the bank treasury as unclaimed dormant fund. The request of foreigner as next of kin in this business is occassioned by the fact that the customer was a foreigner; But a Burkinabe like me can not stand as next of kin to a foreigner that the Reason why l decided to contct you, I agreed that 30% of Total money will be for you as a respect to the provision of a foriegn account ,10% will be set aside for expenses incurred during the business and 60% would be for me.There after, I will visit your country for Sharing and disbursement of my own share according the percentage indicated Therefore, to enable the immediate transfer of this fund to you.must apply first to the bank as relation to the deceased customer with a text of application that i will send to you,but before i send to you the text of application form to Fill and send the Bank of Africa Burkina faso West Africa, I will send to you by fax or email the text of the application form.I will not fail to bring to your notice that this transaction is hitch-free and that you should not entertain any atom of fear as all required arrangements have been made for the transfer. You should contact me immediately as soon as you receive this letter,if only you are intrested and ready to help.Trusting to hear from you.Yours Faithfully,Mr Sule Musa,Please, contact me through my private email address:(blah blah@blah blah)
Viendrez-vous ? Répondre à cette invitation
Hmmmm.
Who abandons Fifteen Million Dollars (US$25M)?
How hard can it be to find some body?
I've been in the finance industry for 32 years and never heard of banking guidlings, cliams or how to Declear anything as a Government Tresurer. Any body?
If a costumer had that much cash in a foriegn bank account, am I in the wrong business?
How does one entertain an atom?
Why is it that when I Google "Bank Of Africa" I get directed to "419 scams"?
Sunday 1 March 2009
Merkan-English Dictionary - Part I've Totally Lost Count
Long-haired Scotch cows are better known as Weegies on Buckfast, although the Scotch Government has announced plans to rename them as Trumps after receiving a massive bribe cash injection from popular Scotch entrepreneur Donald Wig.
Words with a 'T' in the middle.
British Person: What's the name of that Merkan Country singer with the big boobies, Dolly...
Merkan: Pardon?
BP: DOLLY...
Merkan: PARDON.
BP: DOLLY...
Merkan: PARDON!
You can keep this going all day if you work at it.
Those things made out of flour, eggs and milk, then baked in a very hot oven for twenty minutes? They're called Yorkshire Puddings. Pop over to Little Red Boat if you don't believe me.
When Grandson number two comes to stay overnight, he always asks me to make French Toast for his breakfast. I'm guessing Merkans call that Freedom Toast. Anyway, this is what I use to beat the eggs.
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